[Solved] Poisoning our child and looking for help.

Changing the family culture to support children
• Children must be told that they must follow the rules which will be set by
the leader of the family
• The leader of the family must not discuss any element of the
intervention with the child directly but must simply reassure the child
that they must follow the rules that are set.
• No other family member should talk to the child about the intervention in
any other way than reassuring the child that they must follow the rules
that are set.
• No discussion of the intervention should be undertaken within earshot
of the child at any time.
• The child must not be encouraged to understand the rules but must not
be allowed to change them.
• Each parent must speak positively about the other at all times.
• Each parent must speak positively about the therapist, parenting coordinator
and anyone else who is involved in the intervention at all
times.
Family Separation Clinic – 08454786360 – e: clinic@separatedfamilies.org.uk

Children Caught in Loyalty Conflict after divorce or separation
There are many children who, throughout the process of the divorce or separation of their parents,
become caught in what is known as a loyalty conflict.1
Loyalty conflicts occur when two people disagree with or dislike each other, and each expects a
third person to support them over the other.
All children whose whose parents are struggling with conflict are at risk of being placed into a
loyalty conflict but some children are more at risk than others.2
Children who are being parented by one, extremely hurt and emotionally wounded parent, and who
are living at distance from their other parent, are at a much higher risk than most.
Younger children (under the age of 11) in families where child focused nurturing is low (often also
displaying other dysfunctional symptoms), are at risk of being forced to cope with the suffering
caused by loyalty conflicts by -
• numbing and/or distracting themselves by ignoring one parent
• distancing from one of their parents emotionally and/or physically,
• retreating into school work to avoid the issue
• becoming angry, anxious or sometimes phobic towards a parent.
Unaware parents are apt to make the child the problem, rather than looking at whether their family
and parenting is properly supporting a child. This is specially likely in troubled, divorcing, and step
families.
Parents to whom a child is aligned (the parent who the child has chosen as their preferred parent),
may also seek to blame the other parent for the child's withdrawal.
In reality, the child has made an awful choice to reject one parent in order to feel safe with the other
parent.
This is usually because the parent to whom the child is currently aligned, has placed pressure which
has become intolerable upon the child, and has, either consciously or unconsciously, made it
impossible for the child to enjoy relationships with both parents.
1 Ahrons 2007 – Wiley Journal online - Family Ties, long term implications for children of divorce
2 Fidler, Bala et al – Children resisting post separation relationships with a parent - Oxford University Press 2012
loyalty and values (and triangles) are specially stressful for younger children because they
(a) don't understand them
(b) can't articulate what they feel and need
(c) may feel over-responsible for them
(d) their caregivers may not understand or empathize with this.
Children need their parents to adopt a family-system awareness, guard them from adult conflicts,
and learn how to avoid or dissolve loyalty and other disputes.
The role of schools
Schools with pastoral care responsibility for children must seek to ensure that they are not adding to
the position that the child is caught in by siding with the aligned parent and thereby adding to the
burden that the child is carrying.
Children caught in loyalty conflicts can be assisted by schools adopting a policy of ensuring that
both parents are always
• acknowledged as important in a child's life
• welcomed into school at all times
• kept informed about progress that a child is making at school
• consulted as a matter of routine on all issues arising around a child
• invited and welcomed to all open evenings
• invited and welcomed to all events involving children at school such as plays, outings etc.
• clear that the school will not take sides with one parent or the other in any dispute arising at
home
Schools should adopt an open door policy so that both parents are welcomed into the school and
both parents are seen by children to be included and considered important in children's' lives.
Children who are seen to be caught in loyalty conflicts due to their parent's separation should never
be asked to decide whether a parent can or cannot attend a school event or be present during parents
evening.
Children who have become aligned with one parent against the other have been pushed into this
position by the break down of the attachment hierarchy in their family. This has elevated them to a
'parentified'3 position.
As such it is a psychologically damaging place for a child to be and schools should avoid
escalating this by inviting the child to make further decisions about a parent attending school.
3Minuchin et al. (1967) stated that in parentification, “the
parent relinquishes executive functions by delegation of
instrumental roles to a parental child or by total abandonment
of the family psychologically and/or physically” (p. 223).
They asserted that children who experience parentification
can perform a range of duties: from responding to emotional
needs of parent or siblings (including issues such as low
self-esteem) or acting as the peacemaker for the family (i.e.,
emotional parentification)
About the Family Separation Clinic
The Family Separation Clinic is part of the Centre for Separated Families, a national NGO working
to support the whole family through separation and beyond. The Clinic is a specialist service,
working to support parents in high conflict situations and families where a child has rejected a
parent.
The Centre for Separated Families advises government on a wide range of issues concerned with
children and divorce and delivers training throughout the early years and schools sector on family
separation and children.
The Family Separation Clinic assists parents to develop strong and enduring relationships between
children and both of their parents. This is based upon international research and best practice
around supporting children and the importance of relationships between children and both of their
parents after separation.
For more information about the work of the Family Separation Clinic –
www.familyseparationclinic.co.uk
For more information about the work of the Centre for Separated Families -
www.separatedfamilies.org.uk

I feel for this to be of any use it really has to be presented in a positive way. I don't think that if its presented as proof that its mums fault that it will go anywhere. If its presented as a solution for the childrens problems that must have arisen by accident there will be s much stronger chance of the info being accepted and used. I hope that this helps.

I thought this maybe pertinent too

http://www.pinktape.co.uk/rants/section-13-unlucky-for-some/

(3)A person may not without the permission of the court cause a child to be medically or psychiatrically examined or otherwise assessed for the purposes of the provision of expert evidence in children proceedings.

Thanks for posting that Rob, makes hard reading though as I can see the same in my child.

As for comments about my ex not knowing she is doing this, unfortunately she does, and she really doesn't care and she is definitely happy with the outcome. However, as usual she hasn't thought of the affect on our child, in the past couple of months they have become unrecognisable from how they used to be. What makes it worse is that we've been split up some years so this is definitely a calculated move on her part, I'm afraid she has very little thought for anyone apart from herself.

seems like we have the same problem. Ive seen good outcomes for older children in quite a lot of the fathers that I know. In fact most of the kids in that situation ended up with their dad and fell out with mum. That's just an handful of experiences. Maybe ive just been around the percentage that turn out that way andnot seen the percentage that turn out poor for the dad. I hope things work out for u bro.

Thanks again for your replies.
As much as my ex has hurt me I'd never want our child to fall out with her, I realise, unlike her, that children need both parents involved in their upbringing.

Feeling about ready to give up as this just seems impossible. A manipulative narcissistic ex who will do everything to try and destroy everything I have and a very confused and upset child.

Are you having any luck with your situation?

no mate im not. ive had no contact for 2yrs now as the case trundles through court. my son is 5 and said he wanted to se dad and was refused so the ss went and got an order for contact and thenm surprise he suddenly didn't want contact. Im really up against a [censored] social worker and a [censored] judge.

thinking about giving up is pretty normal and will go on for another ten yrs at least. giving up in reality is usually impossible. Its ok to give up for a while and ive seen that work with parents who av been very smart. It works with the mums too who love the ability to control and need u around chasing to fulfil the need to feel powerful. Tell em to shove it for a few weeks and se ow u feel. Or if u can let it go you will be a lucky man.

I wish I could give in. She will never break me although my thoughts are often drawn to giving in I always know that so are hers. I cant give in though cos its like holding ur breath.....

I have 4 children, 3 of them see me regularly but the eldest 11 years will not. His mother blames me of course but I have done nothing wrong and she is not and has not encouraged him to see me. I have not seen him or spoke to him in 8 months.

CAFCASS did get involved but in the end actually said they didn't know what todo except for mother to arrange for him to see someone at school about any negative thoughts about me. They failed to realised I think that the mother is also part of the problem.

I recently spoke with a mental health expert and he said that CAFCASS are going down the wrong route and it's likely the reason he won't see me is not the negative thoughts he has for me BUT has an anxiety about what his mother would think IF he sees me. I.e. He is picking up on his mothers hatred of me and does not want to upset her by seeing me. Waiting for next court date then will discuss with barrister / solicitor way forward. Am sure it's not going to be easy but at some point in the near future I will have to give up

http://www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed96057

that's worth a read

Cartmell,
It seems the more I look into this the more it becomes apparent that people, Cafcass and even the Courts are not aware or not willing to address this matter. Its frightening to think of how many children that could be affected by this and potentially how many parents lose years of contact with their child, or possibly lose contact altogether.

I've gone from thinking this could go either way, 50/50 to being less than 10% confident of getting anywhere, but I know I've got to try at least once for my child's sake. The thought of not seeing them again though is just too much, the same goes for my parents too.