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I am writing on behalf of my partner who is currently in a very difficult situation with his ex partner and is really unsure where to turn to for advice. His child under 2 years old and he has been having regular contact with the child since the middle of last year, This has been weekly and has included over night stays. His name is not on the birth certificate and due to being unmarried doesn't have PR over the child.
The situation has escalated over recent months which has included her shouting and swearing in the childs face calling my partner names. She has also continuously threatens to accuse my partner of abusing his daughter as a form of blackmail. She has found my address and has threatened to come to my home and she has a history of harassment. Her behaviour is incredibly erratic and unstable, text messages within seconds range from a barrage of abuse to a video of the child eating dinner, for example.
She goes to great lengths to make my partners life difficult with no regards to her child welfare, for example having her out in the cold with no coat saying she was stranded and him collecting her and his child, all pre-meditated so she could message me telling me that "he came to pick us up, what is he doing when he isn't with you" ( he has already told me) It is clear to see that their is some bitterness/jealousy but the concern is that it is at his childs expense, saying he has to bring food to her otherwise the child can only have chocolate and sweets for dinner etc. She also often states to the young child that "daddy doesn't want you etc" in front of him but talking to the child.
She has threatened him, verbally abused him and his family, contacted me, continuously calls him aggressive, irresponsible, child abuser, the list goes on yet still hands the child over to him 3 times a week. It has come to light that she often allows other people to have her child the days that my partner doesn't have her so seems like the child is passed from pillar to post with no real regard to her routine or wellbeing?
The aggression and erratic behaviour is a concern as is raises the question that if she acts like this in front of people, what is her behaviour like when no one is around? My partner has voice recordings and has kept the aggressive messages. It seems that her behaviour is extremely unpredictable.
My partner is at the end of his tether and lives in fear of her stopping contact and him having to have no contact whilst he goes through the court as this will be incredibly hard for him but also not nice for the child has their contact is regular and they have a strong bond. The mother dictates where he goes with his daughter and who he sees saying that if he takes her to see me, or asks his mum to look after her then he will never see her again.
The last straw came recently when he was due to return her home in the evening which was agreed and the mother wasn't in, he text saying he was outside and will wait for 10-15 minutes, she replied to the text message but never returned, he took his child home as it was early evening. She then sent a barrage of abuse on how irresponsible he is and asking "where have you dumped my child" etc when he in fact took her home to his house as she had not retuned home.
I understand that there are 2 strands to this contact agreed in writing and PR being requested and granted by the court but also the serious concerns he has for his child's wellbeing and safety. he contact social services a few months back and they fobbed him off, we have sought advice from a social worker friend who says that it needs to be reported. He rung them and although he requested to talk to someone urgently they said "someone will phone you back" he again feels quite fobbed off and judging my hid childs mums erratic unstable behaviour and the fact there doesn't seem to be any boundaries with her allegations of abuse, aggression, threats and blackmail raises concerns for her mental health and therefore his childs safety.
If anyone could please help with some advice or if anyone has had previous experiences then it would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou so much.
Hi unfortunately, we hear stories like this a lot.
Other than agreeing with the mother directly (but you can't reason with an unreasonable person) the only choices are mediation and subsequently court.
If you are concerned for the child's welfare, this can be raised in a court application but I would pursue things with social services and collate any evidence as you go along.
It is quite usual for mothers like this to stop contact once a court application is made but a hearing is usually listed within a 4-8 week period and should make things easier in the long run.
Keep posting and we will do what we can to help.
I'm sure other members will add to my post.
Good luck
Thankyou so much, He received a call back from SS today who again fobbed him off with the attitude of "ive heard a lot worse" not very helpful or professional especially when the concerns for his daughter are not fabricated. I will update when we know more and hopefully as you said people will add to this post.
Hi There,
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As you have said I don't think that the response from SS was a great one.
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I would start the prosess through court, get the mediation started and if that doesn't work then apply to the courts, when you apply to court then Cafcass will be involved and hopefully they will be able to pick up on your concerns.
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As already said there would be a chance that contact would stop while court was being dealt with, so ensure that when and if you apply to court you ask for an interim order to be made at the first eharing.
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I wwould start to draft out all of the messages you partner has recieved, include the the non abusive messsages as well as the abusive ones as this will show how eratic she is.
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GTTS
Thankyou so much for you help. In your experience, do you think it would be worth seeing a solicitor and getting a letter written and sent to her to pre-empt the abuse she is threatening to accuse him of and also the verbal aggression and threats - a cease and disist letter? Even to almost prove to the courts in the long run that he had taken action to prevent these things from occurring. My fear is he doesn't and over the next few weeks she makes an accusation etc and it's too late for him to pre empt her threats as it's already happened?
Thankyou
Thankyou so much for you help. In your experience, do you think it would be worth seeing a solicitor and getting a letter written and sent to her to pre-empt the abuse she is threatening to accuse him of and also the verbal aggression and threats - a cease and disist letter? Even to almost prove to the courts in the long run that he had taken action to prevent these things from occurring. My fear is he doesn't and over the next few weeks she makes an accusation etc and it's too late for him to pre empt her threats as it's already happened?
Also he was advised to contact families for father charity for some advice, instead of practical guidance he received a mans personal opinion that he has "seen it go both ways" in relation to threats and accusations.
Can anyone actually offer a step by step practical line of events. For example
Mediation
Letter to the mother, recorded delivery outlining contact and requesting PR? - is that something that helps to show he has tried out of court?
Then the forms?
Thankyou again, any help is greatly appreciated as every one he has spoken to so far doesn't seem to be giving much practical advice and help.
Hi there
From what you say I think that you would be better off contacting the police about her harassment and abuse, if you have texts and other evidence to back up what is happening the police may well issue her with a warning and you may also be able to have a harassment order bought against her. Once the police are involved this may effect the contact your partner gets, she may stop contact altogether.
If you feel this would cause too many problem, there's nothing wrong with a letter from a solicitor, if that would help to reassure you that there is some sort of paper trail, to provide you with a buffer from possible future allegations.
You could attempt mediation and try and sort out a schedule of contact and agreement on PR, but because of her abusive and threatening behaviour, mediation might not be appropriate, your partner should contact a mediator and discuss the issues... they may agree that mediation wouldn't be the right course of action in the circumstances and sign the form to enable a court application.
The form you would need to apply for PR is C1 and the form for a Child Arrangements Order for contact is the C100. If you have safeguarding concerns you can also submit form C1a to tell the court about them.
You can instruct a solicitor to do this for you and to conduct your case, but it does cost a large amount of money, many members here have chosen to self represent, this is very doable and many have had much success. It's also possible to conduct the initial stages of the court proceedings yourselves and instruct a solicitor/direct access barrister for the final hearing.
There are some good people at FNF, but like any large organisation there are also some that are not so good. The nature of the Family court is very unpredictable and it's true that it can go both ways... a lot of people that offer support, as we do here, aren't usually legally trained, I'm not legally trained, but we do have a lot of experience and have usually gone through the process ourselves.
What I've offered you, apart from basic information about the forms and court procedure, is my opinion also. I do hope I've answered at least some of your questions, it is up to you and your partner what action you want to take, but if left, the situation isn't likely to improve and sometimes the apple cart has to be upset before changes can be made to improve matters. The course of action you take may cause a short period of distress for your partner and his child, but sometimes this is the lesser of two evils and fortunately children are very resilient....if the situation can be sorted out whilst the child is still young, the memories of a short period of no contact would soon fade.
All the best
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