Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
My name is Brian, my partner walked out on me back in October of last year we have 3 year old son between us. She has not let me once see him even though offers have been made for supervision while in my care. I will say that while I was with her I did have certain issues such as cannabis and the occasional voilent act towards her which resulted in a punch or a kick. I have seeked councelling and have given up drugs since december last year. She has asked me to get a drugs test in which I am now willing due to it possibly being detected up to 6 months later and can provide also proof of my councelling sessions in which I have attended. After I start preparing solictors to be involved I then get a visit from the police 6 months after we split up accusing me of abh. I am due in court this Thursday but the alllegations how now been charged with domestic voilence with the intent to cause harrasment whether it be it physical, verbal or financial and knowing that this would cause harm to my ex. I do admit in a letter to my ex that on a couple of occasions I smacked my son for being naughty on the bottom but once I could see that it didnt have any effect I soon stopped and would talk to him instead. My Son and I had a great relationship and no one could knock it. I done more for him than my ex. Thing is that soon I will be going to court to gain access to my child. I will be clear of drugs and that means I shuld have a right to see him. I am hoping to be able to bring him down to see his other relatives on my side that he hasnt seen for a good few months. What can I expect? I would also like to note that I do feel quite addement that my ex cannot provide a proper upbringing for him because she is on morphene and codiene sulphate due to a long term illness and when I was with her not only did she leave her medication in a bottom kitchen cupboard but also unlocked and a couple of times I caught my son trying to take these tablets as sweets, apart from that once 9pm comes after she has taken her night time medication she goes a bit dolale and doesnt respond very well to whats happening arond her and once she is asleep thats it. I feel I am being kept in the dark from how my son is coping. I havnt had any phone contact with my son since Dec 25th and no contact only via a solicitor as regards any response from my ex. She quite adamently says no to any suggestion. I do however to propose that once I do get access I feel the intention to take my son off her hands under the grounds of being unfit for the safety and welfare of my child and propose to get an immediate residency order. Would I be doing the best thing for myself in not returning him to his mother and taking this route to knowingly be reassured that my son is not going to have the same problems her other son has gone through being pushed from pillar to post because she has to visit the doctor or hospital every so often leaving my child in someone elses care. I would appreciate any input from anyone out there on how they feel about my post. Many thanks
[ADMINISTRATOR EDIT: A PREVIOUS POST HAS BEEN DELETED, WHICH WAS NOT APPROPRIATE - This reply from BigFoot600 is still very relevant though]
Thank you for your reply. What can I say to that. I will certainly say that I am 100% a candidate for being a father to my child. As I was in the relationship with my ex and even more so now. What happened between my ex and I is regrettable and I wish that the times when voilence were part of it never happened and since then have been for councelling which must mean something. I have also given up smoking cannabis after 18 years. I am far from wanting any war between my ex and I as regards my son. But I am very concerned that my son is in unsafe hands and from her previous relationship whom she had another son because of her illness and problems her son then being pushed between pillar and post via her family at the age now of 11 has the mentallity of a 7-8 yr old because he missed out on early education. I would like to say that I do want the best for my son and I feel that I am more able to give him a stable future. Sorry if you feel personally that I am not in any way serious and please believe me that I am a good dad
I am sorry about the previous message regards you not being a suitable candidate, i have personally seen with my own eyes violence towards to women in my family and have seen what it has done to the children around it. I have previously smoked cannabis myself so i know how hard it is to quit all together and I do applaud you for that. And the fact that you admit that your actions in the past are wrong and have actively seeked help is also admirable. Again I am sorry for the brash comments reading your post just touched a wrong nerve.
I hope you are able to reflect on the past and build a great future for you and your son. It sounds as if the little lad may have a hard time to come if his older brother is as you describe so i HONESTLY hope that you can get things sorted for the better.
Take Care, and again i apoligise for the previous comments they were perhaps not aimed at you directly
Regards
Superdad
Many thanks for your reply Superdad. It did feel like that you had seen some kind of my problem in the past yourself and like you said saw what it did to the children around it. I have to mention that honestly there is still behind closed doors a lot of domestic voilence between couples that have yet to be reported. I up until last week was pursueing another relationship with someone else. I found out that her ex had beaten her and yet I could only be honest with her as to doing the same in my last relationship. I mean my actions were only as harmful as to leave a bruise where I know domestic voilence can involve a lot worse. even one of my friends has problems with his girlfriend and she just puts up with it. I offered to make things better between my ex and I by giving her the opportunity of us living apart but close enough to still to be there for our child. She said at the time she loved me for the kindness I had in my heart and that she wanted me to stay. However in the end she got the support of her mother to find the courage I suppose to leave me. She said she wouldnt stop me a the time from seeing my son but with her families influence it has never happened. Once I was a able to prove I was no longer on drugs this is when she decided to get the police involved to prolong any contact. Even my solicitor finds this to be the reason why. After 6-7 months later she then allegates abh. What I was hoping from this forum is to see that now I am a changed man. The relationship between my ex and I is completely over and am ok with that. I wanted someone to perhaps tell me that because she is and I wouldnt say it otherwise an unfit mother due to respect the welfare. What do I need to do really in regards getting a residency order put upon my son once I have him because I know one thing that the police are going to be on my door more than likely when he isnt returned to his mother at the appropriate time and I think as a responsible father I have every right to prove that from her previous relationship and what she has to go through medical evidence can be gained to prove this. My son was far from unhappy being in my company. He wouldnt even go to bed unless I was going. He would always want to come and sit next to me and play games like running around the table and dance to my music. Plus with me he has 2 cousins, an auntie,2 uncles and also and gran that he has been taken from just as much as me and perhaps turning the table is not only in the best interest of my son but even for my ex because then she can see Ive changed as well
Your words are sincere i can tell that you are a changed man, you need to think very carefully about your next move to get your son back...
My mother has been in the police for over 25 years and 12 years she spent working in the family protection unit, i am certain that at this very moment in time if you was to just take your son and refuse to let him go back to his mother the police would have the right to take him back...could i ask..are you his registered Father on the birth certificate?
HI Bigfoot
I have asked our legal parters over at the Children's Legal Centre to post you some free advice on what you should do. I have to agree with Superdad that just not returning your son will not be in your or his best interest.
Alot of what you need to do next revolves around the issue of your parental rights. Watch this short movie for an explanation of parental rights.
http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/list_of_videos.php?filename=parental_responsibility
CLC will post a reply soon so come back regularly to check.
And lastly, thanks for being brave enough to share honeslty about what your going through with us all.
Your words are sincere i can tell that you are a changed man, you need to think very carefully about your next move to get your son back...
My mother has been in the police for over 25 years and 12 years she spent working in the family protection unit, i am certain that at this very moment in time if you was to just take your son and refuse to let him go back to his mother the police would have the right to take him back...could i ask..are you his registered Father on the birth certificate?
Yes I certainly am Superdad and I respect your advice
If you are on your sons birth certificate then you have rights as his his father...effectively you can see him when you want providing no form of injunction has been made...i wouldn't just take him before talking to his mother but it is amazing how words can be used effectively to get the result you want..
I think that to gain permanent and sole care of your child you will need to go through the correct court process' which may take time and be stressfull for all involved however this IS what you want so hang in there and do everything you can to show how much you want this and how much you want to improve your sons chance of a good life..its good to know that your son has his grandmother and other members of family on your side that will no doubt be a great support to you through these hard times..
I would just like to say that the guys working here on this site are a great help and are actively doing all that they can to try and put you in the direction of who you need to be speaking with to seek legal advice..this site is a very good place for you to begin planning your strategy as to how you will get your son into your care and i hope that 'DADTALK' will continue to help you through this hard time and that you will be able to update us on your progress...
I hope that you get everything sorted as soon as possible and would just like to wish you the best of luck for the future
Kind Regards
Superdad
Well after sending you a pm I would just like to reply to your message on here. I have no injunction against me whatsoever apart from bail conditions which stop me from going into the town in which she is residing atm but thats for the current allegations she has made against me and not for anything to do with my son. So in all respect she could pass my child on to my mother or sister for me to see him. The only barrier I have is that she has made it quite clear to my solicitor that I can only see him if I am drug free and seeked councelling both of which i have but just need the proof which will be forthcoming but I do not have any formal injuction set upon me seeing my son.
Well Superdad and for everyone else reading my post. It looks like this is going to be a long run to unfortunatel wait in seeing my son because it seems Im going to get between 6 months - 18 months for my domestic voilence. 🙁
HI Bigfoot600
I appriecate that doing time isn't going to be a pleasent experiance for you but thought i'd let you know that there are several organisations that work into prisons with the aim of supporting dads keep up contact with their kids. You should Google and see what you can find out and then talk to someone once you're inside. I don't know how it works but sure some one there will.
Hope you and your son get through all of this ok.
Dear Brian,
Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, an independent charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people.
No parent has a right to contact with their children, contact is the child’s right and where possible the parents should be reasonable to try and ensure that the child sees both parents.
It is incorrect that being named on the child’s birth certificate grants you a right to contact with the child. Being named on the birth certificate grants you Parental Responsibility, which is the right to a say in the major decisions affecting your son’s upbringing, such as schooling, religion and medical treatment, it does not grant any right to contact.
From your post it appears that you already have court proceedings underway with regards to contact with your son. When this matter goes to court, the court will look at all the circumstances and will decide whether to grant you contact, and what amount, based on what they feel is in your son’s best interests.
There is a presumption that contact is best for a child, and it is very rare that some form of contact is not granted.
If you have concerns over the safety of your son when he is in his mother’s care, you should address these with the court and also consider whether it is appropriate to contact social services regarding these.
It is never advisable to keep the child after your contact times without a court order or the mother’s permission to do this, as it can be very upsetting for the child involved and can jeopardise any future contact that you may have with him.
If your wish is to have your son living with you, then you are able to apply for a residence order from the court. The court’s main concern would again be what is in the best interests of your child and you would need to show that your child would be better living with you than with his mother.
We hope this information has been useful. Should you require any further advice please contact our Child Law Advice Line on 0808 8020 008.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
Many thanks for the last and previous post to that. I would say that since writing my last. 2 people have said that between now and the 3 weeks I go back that they might of only said I'm looking at 6-18 months just to frighten me and that it may not actually happen. But I am prepared for the worst so we will see..
Oh god...Sorry to hear that man..NOT good news..Hey keep your chin up use your son as motivation to get you through this..who knows..maybe one day you will get the outcome you've been hoping for
Hope your time inside passes as quick as possible for you...
Kind Regards
Superdad
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.