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Hi all,
I'm hoping someone can give me some advice, or at least give some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.
Currently awaiting an S7 addendum from CAFCASS, and have a final hearing at the end of the year.
But anyway, here is the background:
Married, two children prior to marriage and one during.
Contact initially maintained until ex relocated to be with her new partner.
I didn't cope well with the "loss" of the kids, and went off the rails.
Sorted myself out and resolved to sort contact... this was initially agreed but was minimal (4 hours, 1 saturday per month)
Attempted to move contact forward and agree amicably, but no joy.
Ex made it apparent that I was an annoyance from her past, as she'd moved for a "fresh start" (she requested i consider allowing her partner to adopt the children, but that she would allow contact to continue - the key point being her ALLOWING contact)
A few months later there was a disagreement about introducing the children to my partner and her children, shortly after this contact was ceased.
My eldest has been picked as the "favourite" by the ex's partner - she gets special treatment, everything she wants, etc.
So in this way, she has been coerced into not wanting to see me anymore... the last contact (direct or indirect) was almost 13 months ago)
Whilst this has been going on, the second child has been open and willing for contact to occur, despite the ex's best efforts. She has settled in well and integrated into "our family", which now also includes her young half sister. She appears to be being ostracized at home for her willingness to contact however, which concerns me.
The third child has been somewhat hot and cold, but always enjoys contact with me and her "stepfamily". Unfortunately, the ex raised an issue in court contesting parentage of the eldest child (we were not together when she was conceived - but looks just like me). I argued that if she was to test 1 child, then all 3 should be tested - that way she would be unable to raise further parentage issues down the line (made sense to me anyway)
Results of the testing proved that the eldest two were mine, but the youngest (conceived, born and raised within the marriage) was not mine biologically. I however resolved to maintain contact, as it would be unfair to penalize the child for the mother's sins (ie, being a trollop). The ex disagrees with this and requested all contact be stopped immediately at the last hearing.
-- So, the main issues (which the S7 relates to) are:
How, and if, contact is reinstated with the eldest child.
I am concerned that after this amount of time, and with the severity of PA (although the judge has so far failed to recognise this is occurring - despite my reiterations), the judge may conclude that to enforce or impose contact could be damaging to my eldest, and therefore just drop her from contact altogether (she has been a part of every contact order so far, although has not attended or been made available).
Should contact be stopped with the youngest, and if so how.
As I am not her biological father, and no longer married to her mother, i'm concerned that my options are limited. I can only argue on the basis that she is used to being part of existing contact, and am worried that the decision will be made for contact to be "phased out" or stopped...
Really, if i'm honest, I'm overthinking things and worrying myself... I've not seen the eldest in over a year and i'm worried that I've lost her. The youngest is not biologically mine, which is a loss in a way, though now the ex is attempting to take her out of contact and fully remove her from my life.
I'm worrying that i'm going to lose two of my children for good, and the one remaining in contact is going to bear the brunt of sustained prejudice for wanting to see me. All of this is going around in my mind whilst my partner and I have a young child - and if i'm honest, it's making it difficult for me to bond and engage with our baby.
- Sorry for the long winded post, i think maybe it just helps writing it all out, but if someone would like to reassure me that I'm not going mad, and fighting for my kids is the right thing, it would be appreciated.
BD
Hi BD,
Your not going mad,
I would continue to push towards an order being made for all 3 children and ask that although the eldest doesn't seem to want contact at the moment you would like her to be included so that the door is open in the future for her to make and maintain contact.
There will be some legal bit's around the youngest as she isn't your biological child but it won't be a closed case of no contact as the courts should see you helped raise her.
As you say it's sometimes good to talk/write about whats on your mind keeping it all bottled up helps no one especially yourself.
Does your new partner know how your feeling about the bond with your child?
GTTS
Hi GTTS,
Thanks for assuring me i'm doing the right thing. Been arguing over contact etc for 2 years + now, starting to get a little worn down at times.
My OH is aware that the DNA results for 3rd child have impacted my bonding with our baby, and is doing her best with me.
I'm starting to get there, mainly down to the support of my partner - she's kept me going through all of this TBH.
I don't think it helped that I got the DNA results on the Thursday morning, as the little one was born Saturday morning. Kind of threw me off!
But as i say, i'm getting back on track now - i just want to get the S7 sorted and have the report in my hand so i can complete my statement and reference any relevant material in the report.
Cheers,
BD
Hey BD - GTTS has given you good advice. I just wanted to second that you're not going mad, it's an emotional rollercoaster. Be kind to yourself, that's a lot to deal with all at once. Try take things one step at a time and look after yourself, your partner and the baby. Good luck with it all 🙂
Thanks for the support guys. Feeling much stronger today (and plenty of work to keep me busy!) so all good.
Also signed up for the "Sober for October" for Macmillan, give myself an opportunity to learn to deal with these issues without resorting to a beer after work, and raise some money for charity whilst I'm at it!
I sorted out all of my paperwork and documentation yesterday evening, need to start putting together my final statement and associated evidence next - but think I'm going to be waiting on CAFCASS for their S7 until I can do anything too spectacular.
I've noticed that since the last hearing the ex's solicitor has been very quiet - usually i have at least 1 letter every 3 weeks, even if it is some inane rubbish about "what her client requests" or "my client feels that"... I suspect she too is waiting for the CAFCASS side of things to be completed, and then proceed to pull apart the bits the ex doesn't like (past history suggests that will be a large portion of the document)
I've decided that the proposals I put forward for contact at the last hearing are not excessive, although there were proposals on there about psych testing which the judge didn't like... So going to keep it straightforward and stick with proposals relating to contact, and transport arrangements in relation to contact.
Do you think it's worth raising a concern about PA with the court, or just raise it with CAFCASS to ensure it goes into the S7?
BD
Sounds like you've got it all in hand.
I posted a link about PA earlier today, have a look at that. Also, have you looked at Karen Woodall's site? Some good info on there, you could always try approaching her for advice on how to raise the subject effectively, I think 1 or 2 other Dads on here have done just that.
As for raising the issue, IMO I would test the waters with Cafcass and go from there. When my partner raised this with Cafcass they told him to bring it up at the hearing but I know other Dad's whose Cafcass Officer has spoken to them about it in detail. Tread carefully how you put it to them as a lot of 'professionals' refuse to recognise it.
🙂
Hi 1626,
Thanks for the advice.
I'm aware of Karen Woodall's work - my partner was a legal secretary for 8 years, so she's been on the ball with all of this, doing digging around for me, helping with my bundle and documentation etc. Without her support, and the support from this forum, I'd be totally lost!
BD
...Karen Woodalls work in the PA field is widely recognised and she does appear in court as a qualified expert...that would be quite expensive though! She did send Dad-i-d some information which I believe he used in court with his own case.
Just to echo what has been said, you have had an exceptionally tough time lately, not only with ongoing contact issues, but the paternity results too...I think you are coping admirably and doing the best you can in the circumstances. The children will understand that you fought so hard for them one day.
It's concerning that your middle child is being ostracised for wanting to have contact with you, it's tough for her and I hope once the court case is over that things will settle down.
Sometimes when court proceedings are ongoing we can lose sight of the other things in our lives that are important... It's good that you have recognised that bonding difficulties and in sure with the support of your partner this will also settle once the court case is over.
Chat with CAFCASS about your concerns, the professionals in this country do not like to use the word Syndrome, preferring to call it just Parental Alienation, so my advice would be to drop the S word if you do decide to discuss it.
Good luck and you are doing great.
Yeah tell me about it ACTD.
She had contact issues during her divorce, the dad wasn't interested, would not turn up, make excuses etc... Apparently on one occasion she took the bus (as she didn't drive) for an hour and a half, just to ensure her daughter had contact with her dad.
Now he's totally different and a spot-on dad, but it gives me so much respect for her that, even though he was being an a*se, she recognised her daughter needed her dad. It also causes her untold annoyance at my ex for the current situation, as she considers it all completely avoidable.
So long as parents put their kids first, and put in the effort - that's the important part.
My OH keeps saying that "*Eldest* will come round one day, and realise the truth" and I'm sure she will. I just hope that when that time comes she pities her mother rather than despises her, because as much as I find her mother's actions distasteful, she is unfortunately still their mum.
Oh well, here's to the good ones!!
BD
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