Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I'm looking for some advice as to what to do next please.
I have been through UK courts re children and finances. Both went to final hearings. Divorce is finalised. Lasted 3 years. I have a favourable order in place re both children, 6 & 9 - live with both parents, joint custody. They live with me for about 42% of the time. They're great humans.
My difficulties relate to the mental wellbeing of the mother. I have taken a great deal of abuse over the years and have always hoped it would pass but it seems that it won't and I now need to do something proactive for the good of everyone involved.
It's a long story but to summarise....
Separation began after accusations of 1) Placing tracking device on mothers car so I could have prostitutes to the house while she was out 2) hacking into work emails 3) having secret bank accounts 4) cloning her phone. Mediation failed. She was without a lawyer for 4 months during form E period.
The mother lodged 4-5 complaints with police and I was arrested under suspicion of stalking. I had all my electronic devices taken including work computers and kids iPads. I spent a day in police custody and was released under investigation. Police interview included accusations above plus loitering outside her house, driving past, spying on her boyfriend, using kids ipads as listening devices, setting up spy cameras etc. Bail conditions meant I couldn't be in road in which mother lived so had to meet them at end of road. At Christmas I had to leave them at a neighbours house to be collected. All very damaging for the children. Police found nothing and my devices were returned after 6 months. My criminal lawyer advised that I don't push back as it could have made the situation worse which was disappointing.
In another incident the mother found a picture of our godson which had been gifted to us by the parents. She took this picture to police and social services and convinced them that the picture showed the child in a state of being harmed - it was a "funny face" picture. Social services went to visit godson, his school, his doctor etc. They found nothing. They asked godson if he had been touched inappropriately. He believed he was being taken away for adoption.
Most recent incident has involved social services again. I was accused of showering with my children and it was suggested that I have a history of sexual abuse in my family. They found nothing. None of that it true.
The mother is heavily involved with clairvoyants and borderline witchcraft. The children tell me she believes there are demons in the house and they regularly have to bash pots and pans together and sprinkle salt on the floor to get rid of them. On one occasion she took them at 9pm to stay in a hotel over night to escape the demons. More recently she spent 4 days in bed telling the children that her soul was being reborn.
My youngest has attempted to pierce her own ear while in the care of her mother. She has cut off large chunks of her hair and has found a razor and shaved her legs. She is 6.
The mother regularly breaches the court order by taking children out of school when it's my turn to collect them etc.
So now I'm at a place where I can't see any of this getting better. I'm receiving a great deal of abuse and it's damaging my children.
The headmistress at my kids school is very much on my side. The school can see that the mother has mental problems.
The only way I can see the situation improving is for the mother to start therapy and work on herself but I'm unable to force this. I've been in therapy for 4 years now to deal with all of this. I'm in a good grounded place. The mother has had a troubled childhood. She has severed ties with her family and with her oldest and best friends from school.
My question is this - how can I improve this situation? I have considered going for full custody, lodging my own concerns with social services or finding another lawyer to look at harassment, slander, libel etc. My natural mode is to hope things will improve but I realise this isn't going to happen after 4 years and I'm deeply concerned for the safety of my children and the damage being done to their development.
Any advice much appreciated.
Thanks for sharing. You have been through a lot and are clearly exercising patience. There are potentially 3 issues here that will need three different court proceedings:
Enforcement order: If the mum is repeatedly taking the children out of school on days when you are due to collect them.
Non molestation order: If the mum is harassing or threatening you.
Child arrangement orders/child protection: If you believe that the children have or are at risk or harm(emotional, physical etc)
As you might be aware from previous court proceedings, the above will trigger a process that could last 12-18months and needs to be thought through before triggering. While pondering, give the children as much love, care and reassurance as possible. However, don’t coach or cross-examine them about their mum.
Many thanks for the reply. Lots to think about.
I do wonder whether court proceedings will actually solve the core problem here.
Is there a way of having the mother assessed psychologically without going through court?
Social service is an avenue. However they won’t take action unless a child is in immediate risk or harm. Their threshold for intervention is high. Most importantly contacting them will harm the relationship with you and the mum, who might retaliate by restricting contact.
If you apply for a CAO, you need to clear on your desired outcome and whether it is practical e.g the children living 80-100% with you.The court may or may not order therapy for your ex. It will depend on evidence and what the children say. Best in mind that at the age of 9, the eldest wishes carry medium weighting and they might still want to live with their mum most of the time despite mental health issue. Therefore it’s not black and white with regard to what the outcome might be and how the process of Cafcass interviews will impact the children.
I would start small with an enforcement order but without throwing mental health allegations into the mix. This would resolve contact issues and perhaps give the mum a slap on the write to straighten up for the children.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.