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My wife ran off over 9 weeks ago with 2 of our 3 children. I came home from work and my 14 year old son was at home and he assumed that my wife was up the park with our 11 year old son and 9 year old daughter. I kept trying to ring her but her phone was off. Later in the evening my mum got a text from her saying that she had gone to a refuge and was never coming back. My 14 year old told me that she told him that she was gonna leave months ago and if he told me what she was planning she'd make sure he'd never see her for a very long time. (She'd asked him if he would go with her but he said no.)
Our relationship has not been good for quite a while.
I don't really know what reasons she gave to get into a refuge but I have never been violent to her or the kids in fact she is the volatile partner, threatening and verbally abusive to me and the kids. I admit that I react verbally to her (I don't threaten to be physical to her) but she can go on for hours and hours shouting and swearing and in the end it gets too much so I react.
Someone told me that she had been telling people that I am a monster, saying that I was dominating her but I wasn't.
She has had it rough for quite a while. She lost both her parents within the last 5 1/2 years and she has had health issues such as she's become diabetic and has high blood pressure and I'm sure she must have had some kind of breakdown but whenever I said to her to see a doctor about her mental state I was greeted with a load of verbal abuse saying there's nothing wrong with her it's all my fault etc. She was lazy, sitting around watching TV most of the day and neglecting the basic housekeeping. Eventually she would do it but I had to put up with all the shouting as she would get wound up doing it. Once I cleaned up the kitchen early one morning, done the dishes and washed the floor and tops etc and when she came down she went ballistic, grabbed me by the throat and pushed me out the back door telling me to #### ###!
I could go on endlessly talking about various incidents but it would take up this whole site.
She left just before my 14 year old started his gcse exams and his work experience and sent him a text saying good luck with your exams, we're never coming back, might see you one day somehow. Of course that really cheered him up.
My mum rang social services a few weeks back and they knew nothing about her (I guess they are not always involved when a woman goes to a refuge). They took details from my mum and said they would contact my wife. We have heard nothing back and they have not contacted me either.
She has replied to the odd text my 14 year old has sent her mainly saying that they're having fun and it seems from the texts that she has been housed.
I saw a solicitor weeks back and he told me that she cannot claim I am a bad parent because she has left one child with me.
I cannot get legal aid and I can't afford to pay for a solicitor.
I have been contacted by the CSA and have sent them the relevant information they need. (I put in a claim to her for the14 year old.)
The last text my 14 year old got from her stated that I would be receiving "details" though the post soon. I am worried because I have no idea what these could be.
I have texted her and said that I want to see the kids but she has not replied and when I rang her phone she turned it off.
I'm not sure what to do now. I want to see my kids and I know I'm legally allowed to. We were married before the kids were born and my name is on their birth certificates. I don't want her to try and take the 14 year old from me. He has said that he wants to stay with me but she can be manipulative. I know she'll probably say that I drink at home which I admit to. I enjoy a couple of cans after work some nights and on a Saturday afternoon I like to sit down with a paper and have a few, but I don't get legless or abusive.
She wouldn't let me have anyone round even though she had friends around and as I can ill afford to go out my only treats were a few beers, fags and puchasing the odd cd.
What I really want to know is what these "Details" might be and how can I get to see my kids? Also, have I got any hope of trying to get custody? I know the 11 year old would rather be with me unless she's "Brainwashed" him.
Hi and welcome to the forum.
I would suggest that you read yoji's guides at the top of the legal section - these will be helpful to you if you decide to represent yourself and will give you an idea of what is likely to happen even if a solicitor acts for your. If you do decide to represent yourself, let us know as we can then ask our legal experts at CCLC to give advice.
I am not sure what papers she can be talking about, unless she is asking for contact with your son through the courts. The other posibility is that it's something to do with the CSA, but I can't really be certain.
As for custody, that's a tricky one - the courts would normally like to keep the children together, and because your son won't live with your ex, it's difficult to predict how it would go. Having said that, to be honest, you have absolutely nothing to lose by trying, and everything to gain, but it will be a hard fight I would guess.
Thanks for your reply. I have now read yoji's guide. Daunting, but it may be the only way to go if she will not respond to me. If (I know you were not sure) these papers are her trying to get contact through the courts to my oldest I don't know why she hasn't just asked to see him as I wouldn't stop her. I think all I can do at present is wait and see what these papers are and then go from there.
Thanks again ever so much for your reply.
Got the "Details" through the post today. They are from the wife's solictor. Apparently I have throughout our marriage been aggresive, bullying and controlling to her and the children. Funnily they are all my wif'e's traits less the violence. Apparently she doesn't want me to have contact with the two kids she has with her and has stated that the reason the oldest one didn't go with her was because his GCSEs were coming up and he didn't want to relocate during this. In fact he told her he basically didn't want to go with her full stop.
Also it states that apparently she's very distressed because I have been harrassing her by text and phone calls about getting to see the two kids with her. I have texted her 5 times. Two asking to see the kids (no threats, just "I'd like to see the kids I have a legal right to") Two asking about the 11 year old's school as he's due to start secondary school and one asking if there was anyway through a 3rd party that I could send a birthday present to my daughter. None were replied to. I rang her once in the hope of speaking to her and she turned her phone off as it was ringing. (This was over a 10 week period) Her solictor in the letter said that I have been constantly ringing and texting her (Last text was weeks ago) and if I try to contact her again they would seek a "Non Molestation order" against me.
I know that a solictor will "[censored] Up" any letter but this is ridiculous.
My oldest has said to me (I didn't push him into it and to be honest I really feel for him) that he would testify in court that his mother is a violent abusive woman.
Just about got enough cash for one more visit to the solicitor so I will do that.
Someone said to me that I should keep texing her asking about the kids and make her take me to court as she is getting legal aid so I wouldn't have to pay (not that I could) and get it all out in court but I am CRB checked for work and I am worried that I could lose my job if I any order was put on me.
Hi MetalMan,
Sorry to hear of your situation.
OK few things from what i can ascertain from your posts:
- You have 3 kids: 14, 11 and 9 (SSD)
- Ex has left and you have no idea where she or the 11 and 9 year old are "living"
- Accusations of violence, abuse, control, bullying and aggression etc
- Threat of NMO on you (a Restraining Order)
In honesty, you don't have much to worry about. If you are wanting Contact, you will need to fill out a Contact Application to the Courts and enclose the appropriate fee. From this, because of the ages of your children, CAFCASS will conduct an interview with them. Your Son who lives with you may wish to stay living with you. Thats his choice.
If CAFCASS approach you first (which is most likely if you make the application to Court) you must be clear and request that the interview with your other children (with your ex) if they are interviewed is done privately with Mum not present. Children are very irrational and can easily be coached or feel scared about saying something to upset the parent who is present.
A few pointers i can give at this stage is to try and avoid fighting fire with fire. It just heats up the situation more, and as always, you need to try and hold the high ground on this should it come to Court. With regards to the NMO, rest assured based on what you have said its very unlikely they would put an Order through, especially considering that attempts at Contact have been related to your getting to speak to the Children.
Hope this helps and if you have any other questions please feel free to ask away 🙂
Thanks for your reply, much appreciated.
Yeah, there are three kids SSD. Daughter turned 10 last week.
There is no accusation of violence or abuse made against me. The letter states that I was bullying, aggresive and controlling to her and the kids.
One other thing that has crossed my mind is that I'm sure she was recording me on her phone. She'd start and arguement being aggresive and threatening and when I reacted I'm sure she was recording it.
Thanks for your advice on CAFCASS. I'd never heard of them before. I think it would be best for the kids to be interviewed without her being there, she is very domineering and would certainly pressurise them. I gather they would want to interview the 14 year old who is with me as well which I am quite happy for them to do so.
Thanks again for your reply and support. 🙂
Sorry for the delay in posting, things took a strange turn. My ex rang my oldest's school just before the holidays. (Thought she might try and make some kind of move with the school holidays coming up) to find out how he was at school and if I was looking after him okay. The school spoke to him and he opened up about his mum's violence. He has not missed any school and seems to be doing better since she left. The school informed my ex that he was fine. Then voila, next day I get a phone call from social services saying that someone had made a complaint to them that my oldest was in danger and they needed to come and see us. I won't give out any prizes to anyone guessing correctly who rang them. Well they come round and inform me that my ex has made a complaint that I sexually abused her and the kids! I'm like ?!!!! To cut a long story short it becomes pretty obvious that it's been done out of spite and after interviewing my oldest they told me he is to be in my care and they have no need to check on him as they are satisfied that he is fine. Cannot believe what my ex did there, sick, very sick. Social Services now know about her violence and abuse. I believe that they have gone and spoken to her but to date I haven't heard anything (They came round just under two weeks ago.) Not sure how long things take.
Oh, one other thing. I didn't realise that on the legal aid calculator a child is classed as a "Dependent Relative". When I entered one child it appears that I am eligable for Legal Aid.
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