[Solved] Not seen my children for over a year, please help

This is an awful situation, and not one that's going to be easily resolved.

Firstly, any evidence you have in writing etc, you need to keep, and that includes anything going forward. In addition, you need to try not to react however much provocation you are given, as if you go to court, you need to be seen as someone who can remain calm. If her family is threatening you, then the police need to be involved - if you ever seek an injunction, then any breach of the peace record with the police will certainly help your case.

The divorce (and financial settlement) is separate to the issue of contact, and I don't know enough about this to give any meaningful advice - it may be worth contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau to see if they can give assistance.

With regards to contact, it is pretty obvious that mediation isn't going to work, but it may be worth suggesting anyway to show a court that you have at least tried. Once this is exhausted, then you will need to go to court, and you can represent yourself for this. It sounds as though Cafcass certainly need to be involved to assess your children's situation - they are best placed to see what is best for your children. Finally (for the moment), it sounds like you really need to ask to see your children at a contact centre at first - this gives you the reassurance that you don't come into contact with your ex, plus the children can build up their confidence in seeing you in a safe environment (your ex sounds as though she may be influencing their attitude towards you) and then you can apply to have contact extended beyond the contact centre when everything has settled down.

You need to contact the Children's Legal Centre to get more information on what you need to do to get contact with your children.

First off, thankyou so very much for replying....

Firstly, any evidence you have in writing etc, you need to keep, and that includes anything going forward. In addition, you need to try not to react however much provocation you are given, as if you go to court, you need to be seen as someone who can remain calm. If her family is threatening you, then the police need to be involved - if you ever seek an injunction, then any breach of the peace record with the police will certainly help your case.

I have kept logs of everything including text messages (the latest just last week when I asked what size my daughters clothes were now and how her birthday went and the reply I received from my ex, which was so obviously written by her brother due to all the spelling mistakes, told me to leave HER children alone and she would look after them and basically only contact her when I'm dead?!?!?! I can't afford an injunction so we keep our address secret, she is stil insisting on my address but she is not having it.

The divorce (and financial settlement) is separate to the issue of contact, and I don't know enough about this to give any meaningful advice - it may be worth contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau to see if they can give assistance.

I am now divorced (March the 3rd) and the financial stuff is being done now. She is after my pension. I offered her the house and to leave me alone and release me from the mortgage in return for not pursuing her pensions and 1/2 the house. She agreed to a clean break settlement...then changed her mind and I had to fill in a form E and have to attend court (for the second time as I can not supply my pension info due to the govenment making changes to public sector workings out on pensions!!)

With regards to contact, it is pretty obvious that mediation isn't going to work, but it may be worth suggesting anyway to show a court that you have at least tried.

How do I do this?

Once this is exhausted, then you will need to go to court, and you can represent yourself for this. It sounds as though Cafcass certainly need to be involved to assess your children's situation - they are best placed to see what is best for your children.

How do I do this as well?

Finally (for the moment), it sounds like you really need to ask to see your children at a contact centre at first - this gives you the reassurance that you don't come into contact with your ex, plus the children can build up their confidence in seeing you in a safe environment (your ex sounds as though she may be influencing their attitude towards you) and then you can apply to have contact extended beyond the contact centre when everything has settled down.

I tried this and she said no...I put forward my mums address too...and that was refused as well. My solicitor kept saying go for a contact order but I couldn't afford it...he now says I will have to do all this myself as I am having probloems paying his bills.

You need to contact the Children's Legal Centre to get more information on what you need to do to get contact with your children.

Will they read this post? Or should I email them or call??

Once again thankyou for taking the time to read my story and give me some advice...

Hi

Like actd has already said, I am really sorry to hear about this bitter battle with your ex and her family. They are not putting your poor childrens needs first as so often happens when a marriage ends.

I will pass on your post to our legal team for their input - their reply may take a day or two so keep watching this thread. In the meantime you might want to talk to the Family Mediation Helpline 0845 60 26 627 or http://www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk It will certainly go in your favour if you go to court if you can demonstrate that you were willing to participate in mediation.

You can also get in touch with an excellent organisation called Families Need Fathers who will understand the issues here and be able to give you the right kind of advice. Again you can call them on0300 0300 363 http://www.fnf.org.uk

You can also get advice through Victim Supportline if you continue to be abused and harassed by your ex and her family. Call 0845 305 6979 in confidence or visit http://www.victimsupport.org.uk

I'm sorry for the list of helplines and websites. I can imagine it's all a bit overwhelming at this very stressful time in your life. Hang in there, reading through other threads on this site will I hope give you the strength and determination to carry on. There have been numerous success stories from other dads in similar situations.

I hope this helps you but let us know how you get on.

Hi MrPondLife

Didn't want you to think I was ignoring you by not replying - I think Mikey has answered every question you raised in response to my post, but post back if there's anything we missed.

Thankyou very much once again for your advice and taking the time to help.

I have left my details with FnF and am waiting a a call back. company

I've also called the mediation line and set up an appointment with a local mediation company and have an appointment on the 18th.

If the mediation was to fail (as I suspect it will as my ex is such a poisons woman) and I have to go for a court order, what do I actually need to do? Can I write directly to her solicitor? Do I have to conact the court and ask for this order? I really haven't got a clue as to how to proceed with it to be honest 😥

On a positive note, I recieved a letter from my solicitor saying my ex had settled on the financial side of things and I'm just waitin on clairificaiton of this as I have offered so many different settlements I'm lost as to which it is she has accepted! I suspect she is accepting it as she either has a job now or thinks she can sell the house (although she cant as my name will still be on the mortgage as she can't afford to take me off and she needs to keep the house for the children until they are 18)

The Childrens Legal Centre are probably the best to answer on your next step if mediation fails, or take a search through the forum as they've answered a number of similar questions (you can search through posts for a specific person, so search on the Chidlrens Legal Centre posts and you may find the answer you are looking for quite easily).

Dear Mr Pondlife,

Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre, we apologise for the delay in responding to your query.

At present it seems that you are in a very difficult situation, as there is nothing legal in place for contact with your children and they are not yet of an age to make these decisions for themselves. As the right to contact belongs to the child and not the parent, it does fall to whoever the children live with to make these decisions, which means that the mother is legally able to control the contact, although she should be being reasonable.
Unfortunately, what was agreed is purely an agreement and therefore can not be enforced.

As has been advised it is always best to attempt to negotiate and mediate to come to some form of agreement regarding contact as a first step. This is not always appropriate and may be unsuccessful, but you will then be able to show a court that you have made very effort to be reasonable and attempt to resolve matters amicably.
For further information on mediation or to attempt to make an appointment you can contact National Family Mediation on 01392 271610.

If this is not successful then it is correct that you are able to apply for a contact order from the court without legal representation. To do this you can download the application, Form C100, and guidance notes, Forms CB1 and CB3 from www.hmcs.gov.uk . Once the C100 is complete you should file this at the Family Proceedings Court closest to your children’s home with the required fee of £200.
Notice of the proceedings will be served on the mother and the court will make you both aware of dates when you should attend.

Following this the matter would go through court proceedings, and it is likely that CAFCASS may be involved and will write a report on the situation, speak with all relevant parties including your children (although their opinion is not the overriding factor and only holds weight in light of their age, maturity and understanding of the situation).
There will usually be quite a few hearings that you are required to attend prior to the court making a final decision, although some form of interim contact can be put in place in the meantime if it is requested by yourself. Average court proceedings take between six and 12 months, but may take longer depending on the complexity of your situation.

The courts are generally very much in favour of contact between children and both parents and it is rare that contact is not granted when applied for by a parent, unless there are serious safety concerns, or the court deem that the child can decide for themselves (a child gets the final say on this matter at 16 years old but their opinion can be given some weight younger than this if the court feels it appropriate).

With regards to the harassment, this is very much a criminal issue and something the police should be looking in to. It is advisable that you keep records of any incidents and any evidence that you may have. You are able to bring this up to the court during the contact hearings and they can seek police records regarding this if it is felt relevant (which it usually would be). We would advise that if this continues you contact the police again, and they may be able to do something regarding this.

With regards to the divorce and financial aspects, this is something that you are best to discuss with your solicitor. Your ex partner is able to attempt to have an attachment to your pension, but this will only be done when it is thought suitable and that will be for your solicitor to advise you of.

The things that the mother and her family may be saying to the children are very difficult to control. You are able to bring these up in court, however what is said in private is not something that can be policed by the court, although being derogatory about the other parent is not approved of by the court in any way and the mother may be warned against this.

If you have concerns over how the mother is treating your children or caring for them, you are able to contact Social Services, who will decide whether it is necessary for them to become involved.

As you do have a solicitor acting for you in this matter we would advise that you return to them if you are not happy with the situation and they will advise you on the best course of action in your situation. It is advisable that you always follow the advice of your solicitor above anyone else’s advice as they are in the best position to help you legally.

We hope this information is useful to you and wish you luck with the situation.
Kind Regards

Children’s Legal Centre

Thank you for all that advice and pointers 🙂

Just a quick update and yet another question or two.....

I went for an appointment for mediation concerning contact with the children and my Ex has refused.

I have visited both childrens schools this week too. My daughters teacher knew nothing of the way the split/divorce had been. neither was she aware I had not seen my daughter or had any contact with her for over a year. I soon brought her up to speed. I had also been removed from the contact details for my daughter for the school so I rectified that too. I'm glad to say my daughter is doing well at shcool, which is a relief.
My sons school visit was a little different however. He has been off school so many times the school may investigate why. his reading is below standard along with his interpersonal skills, writing and general all round schooling. My ex keeps him off for no apparent reason. The only thing I can think of is he says he doesnt want to go (as he used to do when I was still at the family home) but once he was out the door he was fine, but she just can't deal with it so gives in. He is loosing his friends and finds it hard to catch up when he is actually in school. The teacher also wasn't aware I had had no contact. It seems quite apparent my ex is doing her best to erase me from my childrens lives in all aspects and she is harming my sons education as well for her own selfish means.
Can I contact Social serices about him?

I have a the C100 form and a C8 (as I can not reveal my address due to reprocussions in the past) I know I have to pay a fee to submit the contact order but is that the only fee? Will I have to pay up front each proceding? If so I can't start this process as I am still paying off my solicitor for the financial side of the divorce/Split. I do have £200 to submit the order but I'm worried that if I start it I will not be able to afford to continue...The mediation center told me to get my order served asap as fees are set to rise next year.

Thank you once again for all you help. pointers and advice.

Mrpondlife,

I'm sorry to hear about the mess you've been through, I hope things start to look up for you very soon. With regards to this part though:

I do have £200 to submit the order but I'm worried that if I start it I will not be able to afford to continue...

I'm pretty sure if you represent yourself that's your only fee. If you can represent yourself I guess it's the best way to go if, like a lot of us, you can't get legal aid.

Hi, sorry for not updating my thread for so long but things have got...well worse 🙁

I was all set to go to court with the £200, had the forms etc...then discovered that the doctors surgery and both childrens schools had cntacted social services and made a referral under the child protection act!
It turns out that my ex wife has been presenting both my children to the doctors with 'made up illness', not attending proper appointments and keeping them both off school for considerable lenghts of time.

After meeting with both the schools, Doctors and social services it appears the authorities want the children put on the child protection register due to emotial abuse by my ex and her family!

The social worker told me the children need to have contact with me and this was one of the major concerns they had, My ex and her family were slaggin me off so badly in front of my children one visit, the social worker said, she asked they be removed from the room. It appears they do this a lot and the children hear nothing but bad (and it appears very bad scary stuff, like I'm going to take them away) all the time.

So I didn't think it was an idea to go to court with all this going on.
However....

after 3 meetings now (first one had the police, social services, schools, my ex and myself and a chairman, the others no chairman or police) I'm not convinced anything will happen. I don't want to sound sexist or stereotypical but the expersts are all women and just seem concerned with my ex and not me. They continually say 'supporting the family' and this refers to my ex not me. I have to sit in these meetings listening to the ramblings of my ex (she has to have a psychiatirc assessment now due to her actions) and the experts talking round in circles.
I'm asked for my opinion on things and I dont have one as Ive had no contact with my children for nearly 3 years now.
Its slso come to light now that my ex is selling the house and looking to move away. none of the authorities know this, she is never in when they visit, she has complained about the doctors and the schools and is so 'out there' its unreal!

Sorry for the ranting but I'm furious about the whole situation.

When we divorced i agreed to sign the house over to my ex and its stated she will release me from the mortgage when she can. If she sells it am I entitled to anything? I don't think so.

I can't also see how whe will get another place as she doesn't work and will only have approx £30k from the sale of the house so how can she get another mortgage? Or put down a deposit? She never was one to rent and as far as I see it she is not entitled to a council place as she has made herself homeless along with my children.???

Hi again

As far as I recall, there is no residence order in place for your children, so the question is, would you be able to have your children live with you? If so, then I'd speak to Social Services and see whether they would be prepared to remove the children from your wife and place them with you 'temporarily' and at that point, apply for a residence order. With the reports that are already in place, you have, in my opinion, a very good chance of success, and the longer the children are with you and settled, the more likely a court is going to leave them with you, if you have them in schools and are looking after them properly

I would certainly speak to the Children's Legal Centre and, also have a meeting with Social Services to see if they will co-operate, as you would need them (or the police) to take the children away.

At the very least, you need to make Social Services aware that your ex is planning to move - and if she doesn't have proper accomodation arrangements for herself and the children, that could be the perfect opportunity and reason to place the children with you.

Hi

I have represented myself many times and £200 is all that you pay for an order, but make sure that before you do this, you have everything in order- you can look after your kids, they have a bedroom etc etc etc....

A list of do's:

1. Read up on family law, residence orders, contact orders, specific issue orders etc
2. Put a file together that details everything
3. Be honest about everything
4. Fill out all the forms and take them to the court yourself
5. Take your time

Richard