Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Sounds like the best thing for your kids and your sanity is to get this court order in place so everyone knows where they stand and can plan life accordingly. Having set, established times that your kids spend with each parent will give them a sense of routine, which is important to kids. Since the court order, I no longer have to deal with my son's mother changing on a whim the single day per week she was at that time allowing him to see me because 'something more important' had come up, and I don't have to go cap in hand to beg for some 'extra time' (which was often refused). The days he's with me have been significantly increased and are set, and if she wants to change them she has to ask me, not tell me.
I will say I think the fact your kids are aware both their parents are videoing the handovers is worrying, as it emphasizes for them the animosity between their parents. I was subject to all kind of insinuations, which meant I sometimes had panic attacks when I went to pick my son up from her home. On some occasions when I felt particularly vulnerable, I would arrive with my mobile's voice recorder on for protection, but neither she nor more importantly my son were ever aware of this. Since the court order, our handovers happen exclusively in a public space - the library, and are kept short, civil and functional.
In terms of the negative messages your ex is giving the kids, I would say resist returning the 'favour', and resist calling telling them she's a liar. I've managed to teach my son either through stuff we've seen on TV or through some relevant events he's been involved in (such as arguments he's had with friends, where everyone at the start of the explanation afterwards feels they were totally in the right) that most things have more than one perspective even the 'truth', so he is learning to ask more questions to get a fuller picture, rather than just accepting whatever he's heard, particularly if all the evidence he can see is contrary to what he's hearing.
I hope things go well for the kids in court, as having secure time with both parents is necessary for them.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.