Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I split with my wife nearly 4 years ago after discovering she was having some form of relationship with a work colleague. She has always denied it was an affair and describes it as a friend she was exchanging emails and texts with. I was at a low point and despite legal advice left the family house to avoid upsetting my two children further they were 6 & 7. I done the CSA calculation and we agreed a monthly figure and I said I would accept 30% equity on the house in return for her non claiming on my pension. At the time I was 49 and she was 33.
Subsequently I have met someone else and bought a new house and she has met someone else who lives in my old house.
My dilemma is I am trapped. She will not agree to divorce unless I say it was an amicable split, won't pay the equity and I can't get my name off the title deeds.
I went to a lawyer 2 years ago who advised me not to settle for less than 50 % of the equity and my pension was safe anyway as the marriage was short ( 4 years) and the courts would view she had plenty time to build a pension. We went to mediation and the tables turned with the mediator saying as well as paying child maintenance I may also have to pay my ex additional cash and lose my house and a share of the pension. The mediator advised us to sort it between us as it could cost a fortune on lawyers and the case could go either way,
After that my ex drafted a proposal and offered a flat 10k as she said it was all they could afford, in order to bring the whole thing to a conclusion I agreed on the proviso I got my divorce, name off the title deeds and payment. That was a exactly a year ago today and I have had nothing but stalling tactics. Her new man is an accountant and she is in full time work. Yesterday I was told they had been using the wrong paperwork and had been badly advised by the building society and needed to start the process again.
The obvious thing is for me to go to a lawyer and drive the process myself. After having lost the family house to her and being reduced to seeing my kids a couple of days a week the thought of giving her and her new partner a share of my pensionK terrifies me.
Any advice welcome.
Hi There,
The first thing I would say is old advice of pick your battles, I know sometimes accepting something feels like giving in, but in the long term it actually allows you to be able to move forward and re claim your life.
Whats written on the divorce papers are just words, I know that you must feel horrible about what happened but at the end of the day it's just a peice of paper, if it say's adultery or not it's just a peice of paper that will actually mean you can move forward.
With regards to the amount they are offering, in a way the mediator is right if you end up in court things could go either way and you may end up with a better settlement however you may then have huge legal fees to pay from that amount which may not leave you much better off.
When I was going through divorce, I battled for months for an amount that I had asked for I didn't get it and ended up accepting a lower amount and spending a fortune on legale fees too.
Think about how accpeting what's offered would effect you, and wiegh it up with what you "may" gain from fighting for more but factor in stress on your self and the people closest too you, only you will know what you stand to gain so I can't comment on whether you should go through court, all I can say is weigh it up carefully first.
GTTS
Hi Bushman,
I can relate with your situation to a degree...
My ex wife was cheating throughout the marriage, unfortunately I never had enough evidence to prove it to a divorce court.
She stated that she would contest any suggestion of adultery, and in the end the divorce was completed under 2 year separation, irreconcilable differences.
Recently, as part of contact disputes, a DNA test was completed and it was found that our youngest child (conceived and born during the marriage) was not my biological child.
Safe to say that left a bitter taste in the mouth, but as GTTS says, when all is said and done, it's a means to an end. It's some words on a sheet of paper which, whilst not necessarily accurate, allow you to move on and progress with your life.
With regard to equity and pensions, as GTTS says, it's about weighing up the financials against the stress and possible fees which could occur. I'd look at getting what you can and getting it signed off so you can be free... that being said, don't accept something which you feel is grossly wrong.
It's really an awkward situation for you, and beyond what I've put above, all I can really do is hope you get it sorted and find some kind of normality and closure.
All the best,
BD.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.