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Background: One daughter aged 3. Ex split and ran when she was 3 months pregnant. Not on the birth certificate, been through all the solicitor rigmarole ever since. Took it on myself this year and got PR, contact order, and (kicking himself ever since) gave her residence.
Orders applied end of February after ex started messing with the agreement we'd made in Mediation. At this time a boyfriend was making himself known to be present at the home so I responded with court. Got one overnight on alternate weekends and a midweek pick up for a few hours on the other week. We've just finished the second overnight stay and everything has gone well except for the pick ups. This was changed to the parents house and the ex has changed my daughters routine by not giving her breakfast and making sure she's tired. Throughout the year the ex has been using various alienation tactics to prevent smooth transition in contact. Nothing new but this was highlighted in the hearings through diary notes.
Mediation is now being avoided even though we've had to do the PIP course. My daughter said 'mummy has secrets' this weekend and I have now found out she has married the man that's been living there. Coincidentally this has happened just after I argued with her about her programming of my daughter on a handover last month. I told her I'd take her to court again and she'd lose her.
There's a few things this guy has said to my little girl that's a bit worrying, there's all this secrecy and deception that's she's being taught, oh yeah and she's been encouraged to call him Daddy $%^& for about 3or 4 months now. Couple all this behaviour to my ex being bulimic, manic depressive, an alcoholic, and an ex drug user, and it mirrors the accusations and allegations made against me about my mental health. I've not met this man so far which is very strange and my little girl notices all of this. During the section 7 report he joined in with a false allegation about something I'd said to my daughter so it's clear I will not be able to reason with him either. I thought she's used every trick in the book, I was accused of being a potential nonce just before our second hearing, but it seems like she's trying to build a stable environment. Unfortunately it's not mentally stable so I want to make my next move. My hand is weak at the moment as I live in a one bedroom flat so an extension to the contact is what I'm after but I'm thinking of going in with a shared parenting order on a staged process where the transition of contact is increased with the hope that I can relocate within that time. Only issue with this is the brainwashing that goes on. It's sad to see my little girl is being taught to suppress her feelings and I feel I have to act now as we are at a damage limitation point of her development.
Any tips/strategy? Can I now ask the courts to look at my ex's historical past?
...courts don't usually take historic past behaviour into much account, even more so when it's the mothers behaviour in question!
I think it might be wise to wait until you are in a position to show that you have adequate facilities to accommodate your daughter so that she has her own room.
It would be a good idea to start a diary and begin recording all your concerns and anything that is said to you by the other parties, and anything that your daughter tells you. You don't want to involve your daughter by asking her too many questions as this will be frowned upon.
At three years old the court will not be able to ascertain your daughters wishes and feelings and would consider her too young to be talked to.
A shocker mate. Any chance you can arrange a move, I know rental values around here between one bed flats and two bed ones are not too different, especially when one is a box room so agencies can't realistically rent it out to two adult friends. If the deposit is an issue my local credit union- a place not many would think of- is good at lending money on a low interest/easy repayment basis, so that might be worth checking out.
Your reading of the situation is that your daughter is finding the situation at her mother's strange, and from your words its clear that being told to call this invisible guy dad is unsettling her. I'd say this is spot on; from a developmental perspective children aged three and over seem to be more and more observant and judgemental, in their own way. My two year old misses me during the week as she's used to seeing me more than 50% of the time; my five year old stepson will actively say 'mum doesnt understand me' and 'I dont know why mum stops me coming to yours, its my real home'. Your little girl seems to be towards the top end of this due to her situation.
Avoiding mediation is a pretty good sign that you're going to get a good resolution in my opinion. You're being proactive and she can't even do the basics. The diary suggestion from Mojo has seen me in good stead this past week, and although as he states courts don't look into the past, they are concerned with what will happen in the future, i'm sure that a record of her shady behaviour will be of great use at some point.
Don't worry about the 'brainwashing'. In all of my experience as a teacher and parent I can say that kids are not stupid, they see things far more clearly than many adults and are mostly guided by a simplistic sense of right and wrong. If your daughter is a bright spark she'll never think anyone else is her Dad, and just as we as adults see work as something necessary to facilitate the good times, she'll put up with mum and her nonsense as she knows she has valuable time with you coming up.
Hello,
So your last court appearance was in Feb 2012, which means that you have could if you wanted complete Form C2, much cheaper than C100, and get a variation to the order. You could tell the court that overnight stay will be with you, but the location has changed to perhaps you parents or any other suitable location with accomodation for your daughter. MAKE A POINT OF OFFERING CRAPCASS THE OPPORTUNITY TO VIEW THIS.
Whilst we are on the subject because of historical drug evidence you might like to request a hair strand test of which you would be happy to pay if it ever came back negative.
As for what happens when you little girl is with you ex. as your daughter grows and develops she will begin to see, NEVER NEVER GIVE UP.
Hope this helps.
Brian
Thanks for the replies. Its been a tough time getting through the last month! I do have some insight in the situ but it's always good to get some support and the best one is said to me on many occasions - don't give up!
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