[Solved] new to the forum, my story...any advice appreciate

Hi there

It's great that you have been able to get contact with your son, when there have been allegations made the courts will always be cautious where a child's welfare is concerned. Supervised contact is an interim measure and Its hoped, when you return to court, that they will progress contact outside of the contact centre.

I would suggest that you screenshot any text messages you have showing her wish to reconcile and provide it to the court as evidence, and any proof that you have that she has used the authorities for the purpose of rehousing and financial support, this should assist your case.

If you have a solicitor I would suggest that you discuss all of this with them, they can ask the court for permission to file evidence which you wish to rely on in court. If you don't have a solicitor then you can do this yourself.

Good luck

hi

thanks for the advice, i have photos of the screens which i have printed off, i have a solicitor that im using but to save costs im doing a lot of the case management/emails etc myself.
because of police invovelemt (even though no arrests and the police report shows the case being marked as no further action on my name 2nd day after she left) somehow she is still getting legal aid.

At the last hearing i showed my solicitor the screen shots and she showed them to the barrister representing her...to show that in one breath she is alleging getting away from abuse via police but then is constantly bugging me via texts and calls .

She agreed to contact at a supported contact centre near to her initially but failed to complete the induction in time for the adjourned fdra hearing.

Also at the last hearing when she asked for taxi fair to the contact centre my solicitor showed proof of child maintenance agency...then when my partner realized she had been cornered she went on to suggest to her barrister tell him i wont charge for taxi and he can see his son but better still ask him to get his own place, move away from parents and we live together as a family!!!....i obviously declined because i know its a trap and will get screwed over...luckily for me the plan didnt quite work out this time so once bitten twice shy...all im interested in now is my son. (not only does she get legal aid, her english is limited so talks via an interpreter all paid for through the tax payers purse) .

Can i still file evidence to the courts even though there isnt like to be a fact finding hearing?..because the judge decided at the last hearing that at this moment in time he feels there isnt a need for a fact finding hearing.?
..next hearing is another directions hearing where the section 7 report, contact centre notes, police report will be seen and then its like judge will give directions for a final hearing. if at all possible i would like to avoid going down the long route as the sooner it gets sorted the sooner i can have home contact with my son.

I am aiming for 50/50 shared residence thurd afternoon-monday morning or close to that as possible. as it ties in with my days off work. And on the odd day that pick up might clash then i live with my dad who can collect me son on my behalf.

overall in terms of whats in the childs best interest i.e a proper home not a emergency hostel or 1 bedroom flat, education (i have a degree and can guide my son to a future as appose to my partner), secure , well paid job rather than relying on single mum 1 child benefits, childs upbringing etc i think i can provide him a better future so it would be in the childs best interest to reside with me...however the only thing she has going in her favour is the child is young only 2 years old.

what do you think is the likely outcome of this and how much longer will i have to wait.?
I have seen my son only twice for 1 hour each session and the first session was after four months of being apart , which is not good enough because a contact centre is an unfamiliar environment and secondly we have been apart so long that he needs time to get familar with his actual home and people that he has known since birth.

I am shocked how one sided the justice system is...the police and other agencies believe any old bullshit the 'resident' parent says, yet anything i say is treated as malicous. They dont seem to open their eyes to the fact that shes a con artist out to get what ever she can by any means necessary...and doesnt have the childs best interests at heart at all.

That's pretty much what happened in my case my ex acted in the same way as yours but I never seen my 4 month old baby for 10 months through my ex being a vindictive cow bag she to dragged the first session at the contact centre out for another 3 months then I had 4 months in a god awful CC when I seen my daughter 1 hour every 2 weeks absolutely disgusting.

It is all one sided favouring the Mum but the tide is turning judges are finally wising up but as it stands most women get away with murder, I suspect yours and her solicitor will be mudding the waters and will be dragging everything out for longer to line their pockets but just stick in there all the false accusations will be proven unfounded and you will have decent contact with your child it just takes a lot of time and patience.

You're on the road now as you are seeing little one in a CC which is great news contact will progress to greater lengths of time but it does take forever I suspect your ex is starting to realise the game is up as mine did they usually crumble at the final hearing, I wouldn't try to much to prove she is being a cow bag the courts couldn't care less about either of you it's all about the child and every child has the right to BOTH parents in their lives and it may no seem like it but they do stick to that like glue as MOJO said they are being cautious that's all.

It won't make a blind bit of difference about that you have a good job ect the courts will be loathed the remove a child from the resident parent you will have to build up to 50/50 shared care the courts don't usually order it straight off Judges more than anything want you the parents to bring your child up without them ordering a schedule of contact ect they will push you both to work together for the sake of your child.

It may seem crazy but you will be better off trying to start working with the ex sooner rather than later as you simply have to get along to bring up your child my ex was a [censored] right up until the final hearing wanting me to stay in a CC for another year the crazy mofo, at the final hearing the judges basically said you both need to grow up and work together for the sake of your child they ordered only weekly contact for 3 months then put in the order that we had to arrange overnights xmas and special occassions between ourselves.

The day after the final hearing I though phuck it and changed the way I dealt with the ex I bought her some flowers gave her a wedge of cash for xmas that's when the tide started to turn she didn't say thankyou or nothing but I just carried on ignoring her sour face as the months went by she started to chill more and more we agreed on overnights then whole weekends and now I have my daughter fri-mon every week without fail sometimes I have her a couple of nights through the week aswell depending where I'm working most weeks I have our girl more than she does, it's a long road and exactly a year since the final hearing my ex is back to herself again and we are friends although she does still get on my tits but we simply HAVE to work together.

I'd bin the solicitor you'll get a order if your represented or not her solicitor will know you will but they'll be all aboard the gravy train milking the system forget about trying to prove the ex's lies false be 100% child focussed and try and find a way of working with the ex once the courts are out the way they'll be no conflict there so you both can just be parents it took my ex 2 years to calm down so buckle up for the ride.

Slim 🙂

...you can file evidence, you just need to write to the court and ask for permission to do so. If you haven't been asked to provide a statement yet then it's likely that will happen at the next hearing, you could wait until then and provide your evidence as part of your statement.

As Slim says, don't bog yourself down with trying to discredit the mother, even though she may deserve it! The courts want to see you being completely child focused.

Your aims for shared residence should concentrate on what is best for the child, again don't bad mouth the mother, just concentrate on what benefits the child. You could mention that as your ex doesn't speak English it would be to the childs advantage to spend equal time with you so that you can prepare him for his entry into nursery/education and interaction with his peers....it would be difficult for him if English isn't his first language as he gets older.

Speak about his wider family and the support that you can offer in that respect, to both mother and child. Make it clear that the door is open for her so that you can work together for the benefit of your child...this is the kind of rhetoric the courts like to hear.

mr slim, and mojo, thanks and i hear what you are saying,

it is definately about the child but im in this mess because of her and her lies.
i do want whats best for my son and spending an equal amount or there abouts with each parents is in the childs best interest in all aspects, As it can have psychological effects where the child begins to think one parent isnt interested hence doesnt see child as much and then over time this can lead to the child swaying more towards the RP and even the non resident parent being pushed away. i dont want that to happen. i Think any child should be able to feel that they cay rely on each parent equally.

Your right about some solicitors milking the cases, I realised this when it all started and i spoke to a few....one went to the extent of saying "it will cost you approx £10-15000...my policy is to leave no stone unturned and go as far as possible to get you full custody"..deep down i knew that was not possible unless my ex is a proven unfit mother/drug addict etc
Also because my ex has legal aid so isnt paying unlike me ...it doesnt make a bit of difference to her how long it takes, and will play along with her solicitors trying to drag it out . the child lives with her, she gets everything paid for by welfare state while i do all running around.

My solicitor is quite fair to be honest and understands its not cheap so allows me to use them on a 'pay as you need service' where i do the leg work as much as possible.

Mr Slim...how were your contact sessions??...did your child recognise you straight away and bond or was it difficult?
my son even though hes nearly 2 didnt exactly recognise me and looked confused and was crying a lot first hour of the first session.

I can understand this and so did the contact centre worker doing report as she explained he had been taken from his family home, dragged from pillar to post, in unfamiliar environments/circumstances and the only person he had /recognised at time was his mum so this has made him grow closer to her in terms of reassurance and support, so it will take time for him to open up again.

My ex has made it difficult as the agreement was contact on saturdays but due to xmas and new year closing i tried to get contact during the week to keep up consistency but being the evil witch that she is, she didnt comply so its been 4 weeks since i last saw my son..so i dont even know what the next session will be like...back to square one..upset/unfamilar etc

Surely if the reports state the child was upset then the judge will be able to see that it was due to him being apart for 4 months thats caused this. Before our seperation me and my son were literally unseperable...he would cry and chase after me even if i attempted to leave the room for work! and now it tears me apart to see that he barely recognises me!

i would be amicable with the ex for the sake of our son but the problem there is...she tried to screw me over and things didnt go to plan for her so her solution was to get back together and make let bygones be bygones ...by me refusing...she is bitter and isnt co-operating, because she failed at her overall mission so is now using our child as a weapon to get to me,
and the other fear i have is further false accusations arising..say from a phone call...hence i want communication to be via text and when it comes to it..i want handover to take place at a public place say a shopping centre or train station where there is cctv etc. just to cover my self.

There were approx 3.5 months between the last court date and the next one but because she delayed setting up contact, it means i will have only seen my son say approx 6 times ...which is obviously out of my control...at one point i was ready to back to court to get it relisted to say she wasnt complying but the week i got forms ready i got contact!
If the reports are positive, the section 7 reports and the police report show no danger or threats/concerns then surely the judge will move contact to home contact on the next hearing?

The contact centre was a nightmare from start to finish at the first session my daughter came over to me straight away it was so sweet but the ex hated that so she tried her hardest to screw things up insisting she do the handovers so it got worse before it got better the contact centre staff didn't help either the manager was a biased witch I later found out her and my ex were already friends so she told her all sorts of [censored].

My daughter would absolutely scream the place down every time she was handed over and no one helped me out I felt so alone and under pressure the CC wasn't really set up for babies either with no age related toys so I bought some toy boxes and used to take her own toys in with me each week the CC staff even scowled at that the ****wits.

This did ease things a little with my girl as she got used to her own toys and it gave her a sense of ownership, When she kicked of during handover I instantly learned the art of distraction and she cried for less and less each week but I couldn't wait to get out of there it did run it's course in the end.

My ex stalled for 3 months after the court ordered contact in the CC I wrote to the court and got an emergency directions they didn't do anything but it kicked my ex up the [censored] to sort it in the 4 months before the final hearing and the stint in the CC the ex missed 3 sessions and when we got to the final hearing she did get a good bollocking off the judges they will not like that your ex has missed the sessions so just document each time she misses and the reasons why the courts hate for contact to be disrupted.

All you've got to do is play the game until the next hearing just turn up when you're supposed to and don't put a foot wrong you're well on the road now and contact is only going to increase over time and the courts will order it for sure so just stick in there man 🙂

Slim 🙂

cheers mr slim

interesting to read that you managed to get a emergency directions hearing by writing to the courts
...when i rang my local family court to explain that it had been 6 weeks since court order and still no contact and that my ex wasnt complying, They advised me to apply for directions in existing proceedings via a C2 application. didnt mention what the cost would be but i was ready to go ahead and started forms . il bare that in mind for future..worth a try i suppose. any change you can pm me a basic outline of letter...or because its civil courts just say as it is rather than make it sound like a barrister has written it? if that makes sense.

Same with my contact session, the first one, the ex realised my son had stopped crying because she was waiting in the next room,,,so she decided to pop her head through the door glass, my son was looking over my shoulder so spotted her and this upset him again. i mentioned it to the supervisor who wasnt happy. The next session she was told to wait down stairs but this time her dirty trick was that as the contact supervisor was pushing the pram through the door into my room..she decided to say good bye to him just to let him know she was going to leave him..this made him cry for about 10 mins. disgusting what they do to be spiteful.

my exs solicitor wouldnt answer my calls after the first week ..every time i called the receptionist would say leave a message or theyll call you back and the solicitor never did. and i didnt even get a reply from the email i sent telling them there client was not complying with the contact order.

i had to ask the contact centre co ordinator to act as a go between but eventually they gave up aswell saying her solicitors tell us their client hasnt responded to calls or answer phone messages and they are chasing her up. but i personally think it was a deliberate stalling tactic which they know legally they can . i was informed by someone that i couldnt re-aply to court before 28 days anyway so they milked it best they could.

i have all logs of emails ive sent to her solicitor straight after hearing giving my ex a choice of two contact centres for ease of travel and she chose the one that was further for me to travel to naturally (it took them a week just to reply to this before i could even proceed with referal forms)....i travel 18 miles 1 way and its only approx 5 miles for her from my estimated/educated guess starting point.
( i still dont know exactly where she lives because of police and her lies) like "he said he will kill me if i went to police" lol...yea considering she admitted that i hadnt even laid a finger on her!.

Do you think this will also prove to be another obstacle for home visits but im sure theres ways around it like meeting in a public place etc and when my son is at nursery i can pick him up directly from there etc.

i just hope the judge can see through all the lies and deliberate stalling tactics.

do you know how many contact reports are sufficient to go on? ,
or is the supervised contact more focused on a safe way of getting interim contact , more importantly than gathering evidence of interaction.?
i dont want to end up going back in with say reports of 4/5 sessions and judge says its not enough...even though thats what the ex allowed to take place despite all my attempts from outset.

As long as the CC report no issues your side there won't be a problem at all and the only reason there won't be many sessions is because of your ex, they will see that explain to them that contact was going well until it was disrupted again by the ex, I came out with it to the 3 judges faces in court and said a CC is no place to build a bond with your child and that I felt totally under pressure they completely agreed with me.

You need to write directly to the judges or magistrates don't bother with the court office just a simple straight forward letter being honest should do the trick I wouldn't bother with getting your solicitor to write one it will be better coming from you just explain the delay in getting the contact sorted then all the missed sessions pointing out it is having an adverse effect on your child and that they need consistency.

It's not a case of the judges seeing through all of her lies they honestly couldnt care less she will not be found guilty or anything and they won't punish her try and get out of the mindset that you're ex has done this the ex has done that it really doesn't make a difference all they will be interested in is that contact is moving forward but they wont be happy about your ex disrupting it at all, If you do get a new direction that will probs be enough to kickj the ex into touch.

I wouldn't bother trying to contact her solicitor infact I'd completely ignore them and your ex they don't really have any bearing on the case like I said before they just stall and slow things down the lot of them should be completely banned from the courts, scum the lot of them I was advised off 2 family lawyers who I went to school with not to bother with them and ignore the other sides I'm so pleased I did you get so much more respect and get things done quicker self representing the Judges in my case actually congratulated me on how I handled my case, my bundles my conduct through out they even suggested I should change my career lol 🙂

ok , sounds good

I dont think i can write to courts now as there have been 2 contact sessions in december , a 3 week gap, and there is one booked for next week. if she doesnt show then i will have to write to court

What i will do is when i submit the contact reports by the due date, i will attach a letter to them explaining my non stop attemtps to set up contact asap after the order but the ex delayed and it took 7 weeks. i will also add to the letter that contact was disrupted after just 2 sessions because she didnt agree to the during week session for 1, and cancelled last minute for the second hence leaving a 3 week gap

You mention bundle:, i think i will have to do one, can you give me a bit more insight as to the layout and contents of this please?
is it just putting together a file of all case paperwork again..c100 form, witness statement from me (which i submitted with the original application), or does it include additional paperwork?

can i attach copies of emails and text message logs at this stage or not?

I have read through this thread with some interest, and a large degree of amazement this morning.

We hear that bmwm-power's ex-partner, not a citizen of this nation, has asked for the police to rescue her and her (and his) child from his care, she has been given free legal aid (at my expense), we presume free housing (at my expense), state benefits and medical care (at my expense) and considerable child maintenance (at bmwm-power's expense), yet she is still able to withhold contact between bmwm-power and his child at will, and is largely supported in doing so by the state.

In the meantime bmwm-power is doing all the right things: paying the statutory child maintenance and trying to establish reasonable contact with his child, and his only reward seems to be a lawyer's estimate of a £10.000 to £15,000 bill to achieve full residency for him and his child (which just is not going to happen).

This is only a comment on the society we have built, not on bmwm-power and his plight (I sympathise with him and wish him good fortune). What is happening has to be wrong, the only people gaining advantage are lawyers (who gain a great deal) and mothers (who can make a fair subsistence through state provided accommodation, benefits, medical care and education, topped up with some state mandated child maintenance).

I suppose there will be some that will deride me for this view, but the society we have made cannot be a good thing.

Best wishes to bmwm-power and all for 2016.

O

Othen, Thank you and very well said

Yes its a huge shame that this is the so called justice system we live and , and it is the justice system funded by the Tax payer, who also becomes the victim of the same justice system.

Despite 'equal rights for men and women' laws, It is evident without doubt that when it comes to child matters men are seen as the inferior/outlaws and women can say and do anything without a question about it.

I attempted to raise a concern for the welfare of my son both to the police and the childrens services but because the operator and the social worker were women, and despite not knowing a single detail about my case, as soon as the saw that there is a case of alleged 'domestic' they automatically turned their 'opinion' and 'hate the man'; hats on and labelled my attempts to find out how my son is as being malicious and an attempt to find my ex partners address.!

In normal circumstances, anyone lying to the police and wasting police time would be in trouble for perverting cause of justice and wasting police time, yet in these cases its completely over looked by all authorities because they cant be bothered and use the excuse of 'its about the child'.

I blame myself to the extent that i was naive and too trusting in not realising that there are people out there who will go to the extent of screwing someone over and ruining their own childs life purely for their own gain. but trust and kindness are a mans two main weaknesses. If only it were possible to do a car hpi data check sort of report on a person to find out what they are really like and hidden agendas!

I understand and realise there are genuine cases where women are genuine victims of abuse etc, but there simply needs to be better filters in establishing the fakers from the real ones. In my case it became blantently apparent the second day when they interviewed my partner for a statement and she admitted there was no physical violence, and she thought by calling the police it would give her a fast track ticket to secure a welfare house etc. but other than label the case as no further action , they didnt do nothing about, in fact they still referred her to a well known abuse victims charity when then could have sent her back to her own family and told to get on with it.

Since i have not been able to spend time with my son, my spare time has mainly been dedicated to researching my case and other similar cases, and my readings have been quite shocking. Every person i have spoken to knows someone or a friend of someone that it has happened to. And although it can happen to anyone regardless of age/culture or ethnic background etc, I have found that the fake abuse cases are notoriously rising in number amongst the asian community, to the extent thats its almost become a trend.

Fortunately i wasnt used as a 'visa mule' as my ex partner was already living in the uk when we were introduced, however, there are many men, especially from the asian community that spend thousands in bringing their partner over, and get stung a few months or years later when that very same person uses the police to secure residency, welfare state benefits, housing and everything else they can scavenge by making up a lie. Its that easy and its a huge loop hole that is being exploited, and the police are being played like a fiddle. I think they seem to act on these cases without question because it helps their monthly statistics look good,

I realised approx 2 months prior to the police arriving that there wasnt something right, as my ex had a test booked which was part of her uk passport application, however, she didnt inform me of this till the day before and mentioned that one of her family members was taking her, which i thought was also strange, I also discovered at this time that she was still using her previous address for all home office correspondence and also had one of her bank accounts still registered at the old address aswell.
When i asked her about this she threw a strop saying i was paranoid and had trust issues and told me that it would have complicated things hence she left everything registered at old address,., I think they realised i had smelt a rat and was possibly on to something so this whole thing was a planned get out with the added benefit of screwing me over aswell as securing everything from the state. As we all know in standard family cases there is no financial support, so using the police was a way of securing legal aid.

I have been working for at least 15 years and have been fortunate enough to have been in a job and never had to sign on. Yet its all been for nothing because the state is funding my ex with my and other tax payers money to screw me over! and making me pay her extra on top!!. And i can bet my son isnt seeing the whole of the £300+ a month i give...yet the government child maintenance agency 'cant monitor or regulate it' but they can threaten me with legal action, and charge extra 20% to take it out of my wages if i dont pay. its an absolute disgrace.

I think a reform in the law is well over due