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I need some help dealing with my custody and access dispute with my ex. My daughter is 18 months old and my ex and I seperated when she was 11 months. She had lied and accused me of horrible things the entire time. Thru two lawyers now. She has dictated a schedule granting me little access. I stupidly waited until November to serve her an application. Now I can’t even get into a case conference until late April. She had caused to calls to police. The first when she refused to leave my access visit and basically called the police and said I was yelling at her. The second when she followed me home from an exchange at the police station and threw a tantrum and tried to kick in the door. I had to call the police. She went to the hospital and said I slammed the door on her knee. We have been making exchanges at a police station since the first call. She continues to accuse me of being threatening and aggressive at exchanges. She accused me of not feeding or bathing my child. I kept my daughter over night once and she went and got an expartay court order and accused me of threatening to abduct our child. I am desperate and need ways of dealing with this. I have always kept communication to text and have never said anything remotely wrong at exchanges. She always brings her mother with her who also falsely accuses me. Is this a situation that is unsolvable? Will a judge just now say you two can’t co parent and give her sole custody and me just every other weekend. I’m terrified and need some relief and help. The anxiety and stress is going to kill me
This is solvable, but it is difficult and you are going to need support. Have you got family members who can support you ? When I went through something similar my mother was essential in getting things back on track.
The anxiety you are suffering now is understandable and a real problem. What you are going through right now is in some ways comparable to being in a war zone, because what she is doing is threatening at one of your core human traits, which is to protect your child. I used to wake up in the middle of the night with a racing heart feeling panic.
It’s important to understand that this anxiety is understandable, justified and caused by her. At the same time, having anxiety is not going to help you, so you need to find ways of dealing with it.
When you kept your child overnight, did you and the mother agree on this or did you do it unilaterally ? You need to be careful, Society is biased. It’s ok if a mother unilaterally keeps the child away from the father, it’s child abduction if the father does the same thing to the mother. Don’t go in expecting equal treatment and equal justice. You will be discriminated against, and it will help you if you learn how to use that to your advantage.
What happened to the ex parte non molestation order ? Have you gone back to defend it ? That needs to be the first thing you need to deal with.
Hi thanks for the reply. The ex parte motion was just to have my daughter returned to her mother the next day. She made up I threatened to kidnap her. The judge made a court order giving her primary care and control. We haven’t had the first case conference yet so she said my urgent motion for access was not urgent. No we didn’t agree on the overnight. I just texted and say have the lawyers discuss an exchange in the morning. YesI have a witness come with me every exchange now and video tape when possible. I’m just worried now a judge will say there is too much conflict for co parenting even tho she is making all the conflict. Even with a witness she makes things up. To be honest I feel defeated. I have nightmares often and have been absolutely miserable for 7 months now. I also have another child I have on week about and I’m not sure I can even afford to fight off my new ex’s lawyer. Is this even a situation worth fighting?
Hi there
How would you feel about asking for contact to take place in a contact centre instead? I think you need to put some distance between you and the mother and her mother too. she would drop your child there and you would arrive shortly after to have your visit with your daughter. There are two types of contact offered at the centre, supported and supervised, supported is more informal and the contact happens with other families around, the supervised contact is a one to one service where it would be you, your daughter and a contact support worker who will be quietly observing and making a report.
Unfortunately, because of the ex parte order, the court will act even more cautiously and you will have to work harder to gain their trust. I'm assuming she was granted a Prohibited Steps Order as well as residence of your child. It's likely that you will be awarded visiting rights, but it may be difficult to get a shared care arrangement in place, which is where your child is stated as living with both of you.
It's clear you're struggling and it might be a good idea to go and see your GP to ask for some short term help with your anxiety and stress. It's important that you take care of the basics, regular meals and enough sleep. Keeping busy also helps, as does having someone to talk to about how you're feeling.
As your hearing isn't until April, I suggest you write to her solicitor requesting that it would better for all parties if contact were to continue in a Contact Centre until the next hearing. Here's a link to the contact centre website where you can find details of centres in your area, you can make a self referral and provide details of this in the letter.
www.naccc.org.uk
Best of luck
Can I just check that you are in England? I'm just surprised that you applied in November but don't have a FHDRA until April and you've used the term 'case conference' unless I've read something wrong?
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