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I have a seven year old boy (B) and his mother is making contact with him more and more difficult. Of late she’s been saying that he doesn’t want to see me and I’m convinced that she’s alienating me. When he’s with me he’s absolutely fine and there are no signs that he is unhappy. We live approx 40 miles apart.
We have a court order in place from 2014 that states B is to be with me two out of three weekends and the mother is to drive and drop off with the condition I pay her £10 for the journey. Shortly after this was agreed she refused to drive him and since then I’ve been taking the train to pick up and drop off. In 2016 As B was having more of a social life relating to Birthday parties and we spent most of the time on trains to and from them – I proposed to change the arrangement to every other weekend - this was agreed by her – in this I agreed that I would do the travelling as is.
The only way for me to have communication outside of contact is through her and she has made this more and more difficult. I’ve been calling, messaging, leaving voicemails and I’m rarely called back. Recently I’ve been added as a contact to B’s iPad so I’ve begun messaging and trying to call through that however he’s been having his ipad ‘confiscated’ for misbehaving so contact has waned again.
She recently went away and I was able to have contact with my son via her partner – speaking to my son every day without fail. She went away again and the family friend of whom my son stayed with also made contact with him easy and I was able to speak to him every day without fail. Within 24 hours of her being back in the country, my son was unreachable again and messages were met with conflict and demands. Overnight B didn’t want to speak to me or didn’t want to come to my house – and didn’t like my girlfriend (now fiancée).
There is no reasoning with her in any way whatsoever – in our arguments via text I address the situation and what an outcome might need to be but all that gets met with is how poor a father I am and how I’m never there etcetera etcetera.
For months now, she’s been accusing me of manipulating and mentally abusing my son, saying that the teachers at school have referred him to a counsellor and subsequently a therapist/doctor. What she isn’t aware of is that I’m in contact with his teacher getting updates on B's schooling and progress - and when I asked about this :
“In relation to B's well-being at school, we have no concerns. B is a happy boy who has a positive attitude towards school and displays no sign of emotional or concerning behaviour.”
I’ve been consistent in trying to reiterate to her that a child needs both parents and needs to know that they’re loved no matter what. I don’t bad mouth or speak ill of his mother to him and even when she’s shouted at me in front of him and he’s asked me what that was about, I haven’t said anything that will make him think less of her.
I just want to see my son as and when it’s agreed. But I can’t do that with her because she doesn’t want to act rationally - it's at the point now where she is saying that it's up to B to decide when he comes to me - I'm arranging the contact of my seven year old - with a seven year old!
A couple of weeks ago I was scheduled to see him and on the way there I received a call from him saying that he didn’t want to come – I asked him why and he said ‘because he wants to play with his friend’. I could hear people in the background and I noticed that I was on speaker phone and asked who else was there in the room and his mother spoke up and said that her and her partner were there for ‘emotional support’ I then tried to explain that it wasn’t right to have everyone looking at him whilst he is talking to me because that’s adding a pressure and putting him in conflict. She then began to shout at me and go on a tirade of how bad I am as a father – trying to get a word in - I asked her repeatedly to stop and get my son to leave the room. Once he did she then continued to shout and scream at me – I listened and didn’t argue back as I didn’t want my son to hear anything. I tried to get her to calm down and in the end hung up.
I was speaking to him on the phone to confirm I was collecting him on Wednesday - Sunday and as he came back saying he’d spoken to his mum and he was coming – she entered the conversation to remind him that his cousins were coming over that Saturday – subsequently he then told me that he didn’t want to come anymore. It’s this kind of interference that’s getting in the way of my relationship with B. I know I can’t control it but at the moment I’m seeing B on his whim – through his mothers needs. One minute she’s telling me to leave him alone – the next she’s asking where I am. We need a structure again and I don’t know how I can get it back without escalating this.
Any advice?
hi
Sorry to hear that the mother is causing problems, The same happened with my son and I ended up with just sending letters, what's called indirect contact with the children encouraged to write back, and guess what that failed as well, so back in court with a c79 again ( breach of court order ).
But the good thing is , that if she continues to stop contact ,, you can ask cafcass to monitor. As for the parties and friends at the age of seven , that's what seven year olds want to do, It would be a good conversation starter when you next see your son.
Try and stay calm and see how the situation evolves. Wednesday to Friday might at this point be better than Wednesday to Sunday?
If the mother dose not want to drop the child off then the only other option is you have to do the pick ups, When you son is older he may want to travel on his own?
Keep records of all contact, photos , video, copies of school reports, even telephone conversations, This will help when back in court as it shows you are a devoted dad
This can be frustrating but the positives are people will let you talk to him and he is doing well in school. Keep on the good side of his teacher and she will be more than happy to tell you your son is happy and wants to go and play.
All best
Hi there
If you have a court order that specifies contact and who travels for handovers and the mother isn't abiding by the order, then you do have the option of applying to have the order enforced... There really isn't any easier way of getting things back on track, you've tried talking to her, making adjustments to the contact and nothing has worked, in fact things are deteriorating further...realistically I see court as your only option unfortunately.
It's unusual for a court to order that the mother must do the travelling, so the judge must have felt there was a good reason for this.
It's really not appropriate to expect a seven year old to control this, but the mother should be encouraging his contact with you. I fear if you continue to leave it, it might get worse.
To enforce an order you don't need to attempt mediation first, you would need form C79 to make the application.
If you have any further questions about the process, please don't hesitate to ask.
All the best
It might be worth seeing whether the school would allow him to speak to you during school time, possibly via the school pastoral officer.
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