[Solved] Need advice or just someone else's look at something.

Thank you for the reply, I'm ok ish, the feelings come and go like waves.

Having lost my own parents at a young age I understand that suicide isn't the way forward, but let's face it no one with a clear head has ever killed themselves.

I have been to see a Doctor and been given some antidepressants.

I have a sister who I am very close too, but alas she a [censored] load of her own problems, but she is a great help.

I've seen my children once in the past 3 weeks, supervised! and only speak to them on the phone via speakerphone so also supervised.

I've rung and rung social services to speak to my allocated social worker and no one rings me back. My solicitor says that there is nothing he can do.

My soon to be ex wife is doing her best to alienate me and the children. The madness of all this is that I still have equal custody of the children yet she will not let me see them.

Family rights group line is always busy.

Thanks for getting back to us... it’s reassuring to know that you have someone to turn to, just knowing your sister is there and listens is a great support... I’m sure she will want to help, regardless of her own problems.

Social services are probably suffering from budget cuts... that’s no excuse for not returning your calls, maybe it might be a good idea to call into their office, if they won’t see you then, you can make an appointment to speak to them.

When are you next in court? You can put your energies into presenting as strong a case as you can. Keep trying the FRG or alternatively you could try emailing them.

If you need to vent here it helps....when our members are at such a low point, we do worry for them and try and give support... next time you feel overwhelmed and it’s late, you may not find anyone online, (like last night) if that happens again, please give the Samaritans a call, it really will help.

Thanks again for getting in touch...keep talking.

All the best.

What a shocker, I've just come off the phone to a duty social worker as she was the only one prepared to speak to me.

I have 3 different names of people about the case and not one of them would speak to me.

I text my wife asking to see the children and got this back...

"When they feel ready to see you. And right now their not. They are happy and stress free. I'm letting them come to me when they are ready. I ts early days and I'm not pushing them. They have been though a [censored] of alot they need time. I have checked to make sure I'm doing the right thing and Iam. If they see or talk to you now it will set them back. If you have an problem with this then take it up with social and not me the children are my mane prioty right now. Please don't contact me as I don't want to talk to you right. Please respect this. "

So that's that then.

This is a reply from SS when I asked for information about when I can see my kids.

Dear Mr XXXXXX,

I am sorry to hear that you do not feel that your views have been considered within the child protection planning forXXX and Y. I am afraid to say however that in the absence of a court order Children’s Services have no power to direct what contact children have with their parents and this remains the decision of the parent caring for the children at the time, which is of course Mrs XXXX. I would like to make clear that Children’s Social Care has made no stipulation that you are not to have contact with your children, but that this is in fact a decision Mrs XXX has reached as she feels it is in the best interests of the children at the time. It is also perhaps of more importance that at ages 8 and 12 XXX and YYY are well able to articulate their wishes and feelings regarding contact with each of their parents, and both children have made clear that they do not wish to spend time with you at present.

I appreciate that this is likely very difficult to her hear but I would advise that it would be in the children’s best interests for your to work towards slowly re-gaining their trust in order that they feel safe in speaking and spending time with you. You are of course also able to seek legal advice around securing a Contact Order via private court proceedings if you so choose.

A fence made of steel around the SS.

As soon as I got the email I tried to ring her, conveniently enough she had just left.

So that's 3 days of trying to speak to someone.

hi,

socials are right. not much they can do without court order. you should apply to court ASAP. as your kids get older and more absent from you, they will become more resistant to seeing you, as they could get alienated/brainwashed by the mom. i just quickly scrolled through this thread. legal fees will not be so high with a child arrangements order, compared to that crazy divorce/residency issues. my ex said same rubbish to me. she ran away from a large spacious house, put the kids into some cramped council hostel flat. then they got kicked out and now she living with mums in another cardboard box flat (packed with brothers). now she saying kids have been through lot of changes and they need to be left alone. haha.

I'm in court on Monday to start the financial proceedings.

The house is joint mortgage and I'm currently in here on my own as Mother has taken the kids away to live with her parents.

Do I move out and let me kids have there own home back? But sadly that will mean that their mother comes with them.

I've not wanted to move out for of her losing the plot and hurting the children, again.

Hi, I think it’s better that you stay where you are, and wait for the outcomes at court.

Hi again losingmymarbles,

I feel for you, I really do, but what I said 5 months ago has come to fruition:

"Your wife has realised (or been advised by a solicitor) of the causal connection between residency of your children and ownership of the vast majority of the estate (I'm guessing that is mostly equity in your house). Whoever wins residency keeps the estate, whoever loses pays for it.

Aside from your plight (and I sympathise) this is an interesting case. On one side there is a violent and abusive drug taking mother who does not work and lives on benefits, on the other there is a hard working dad who has tried to hold everything together. The logical solution would be to have the hard working dad be the resident parent and so make sure the kids had the best life they could, and to throw the violent, abusive junkie out on the streets. That is not the way society works though, there is huge bias towards women when it comes to residency, so unless you are able to prove your wife is still violent, abusive or abuses drugs the kids will end up with her and you will pay the bills. I do so hope I'm wrong, but I have a feeling I will not be, which is so sad (but common).

The best thing for you to do now would be to pursue an amicable split in your estate and residency of the kids with your wife (you mentioned she sometimes talks of that). If you don't and she pursues a divorce (probably using unreasonable behavior as grounds) then you will soon be accused of domestic violence (this will be so she gets free legal aid), leading to you being moved out of the house, so expect a bumpy ride.

Whatever you do, don't move out of the house (unless you are legally evicted), otherwise you will certainly lose most of your estate, and probably access to your children"

... that is what I said all those months ago - that your best bet was to negotiate a split with your wife to include some money and a good proportion of the kids time. In the meantime your wife has alientated your children from you and made you out to be violent in the eyes of the (mostly female) people that matter. I suspect this has been all about money, and you have the financial hearing soon which will settle that matter. Your wife has residency of the children and (rightly or wrongly) they don't want to be with you. The court will (almost certainly) give your wife posession of your prize assett, which she will live in and you will continue to pay for until the youngest child reaches 18 years or leaves school. It will not be in your wife's financial interests to allow the rift between you and your children to heal - so it will probably deepen.

None of this is fair (I remember saying that as well), but it is the way it is. I sympathise with you so much - I'm pretty sure you are a decent, hard working chap that loves his children - but there is huge bias against men in these situations so you are unlikely to win much back now.

You probably didn't want to hear the above much, but I think you probably recognise the situation. It would have been so much better to come to a deal with your wife all those months ago and so have walked away with some money and a slice of time with your kids (and their love and respect).

Good fortune losingmymarbles, I hope things turn out better than I imagine they will for you. This has been a rough ride for you, but many of us have been there (that will not make it much easier for you to swallow).

Thank you so much for continuing to follow my journey. It sure is a very biased and rocky path.

I'm in court about to go in for the 1st hearing regarding the financials.

I take on board not moving out, which is difficult as I feel the children should be sleeping in their own beds.

Jesus, why has all this got to be so difficult.

Wish me luck.

So court was ok, just the judge going through our questionnaires. He gave a rough time frame and also said that we should look at home much we both could potentially get a mortgage for.

Also, he said that we should offer examples of houses that would suit our needs.

But my biggest issue is how the [censored] do I see my children now?

Social services are saying that they are NOT stopping me from seeing the children but are leaving it all down to my Ex, but how do I know that she isn't bad mouthijg me or ignoring my children's plee to see me?

We have a core group meeting coming up on the 11th June, I shall raise concerns then that I haven't seen or heard from my children.

Yet again today for the 5th day I've left a message for the social worker to call me, and what a shocker, she hasn't rung.

Let's hope the happy pills start to work soon.

I went up to school to have a "core " group meeting, my ex was talking to them before my meeting and of course it over run.

When I finally got in there it was a waste of time, they had typed up the stages of "the plan" which I said was useless as I'm not even seeing my children. So what was the point?

I asked why my children's wishes and feelings were being ignored and I was told that Social would have to check with the children that they still applied. Yet, my children were removed from my care based on these exact "wishes and feelings!"

All my contact, if any, will be supervised!! Again, I asked why as my wife's contract is not supervised! The answer was that we have to supervise one of you and we can't supervise your wife24 hours a day.

All incredibly one-sided.

I got told off for harassment too...60 text messages, in 3 months is too much to my social worker! Not allowed to phone up either!!

A massive Steel ring fence around these people..

I wanna die.....................................

marbles,

im sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time. please try your best to stay calm. if you argue too much with socials and others, then you will be seen as the unreasonable and hostile parent. when my ex did a runner, on the day i sent like 4 texts and around 5 calls. no answers. i know what ex is like so i just left it. few days later she passed message to her brother, saying shes no longer talking to me. so i said fine, divorce and court for child access 🙂

I want to remove my last line from my other post.

I am ok, yes I feel like someone has died and I feel completely lost, without purpose and direction but that line was unnecessary.