[Solved] Need advice or just someone else's look at something.

Thanks for the update, it’s great news about the legal aid.

You should have pushed the police to give him a verbal warning and make a record of it.

If it happens again, insist that it’s taken further... let’s face it, if your father went round to her house walking into her house and threatening her the police wouldn’t hesitate to take it further.

It might be worth having a look at Mens Aid, they are a charity that are geared to advising men who have been abused... they can advise you how to approach it if it happens again. They have a helpline that you can call too.

www.mensaid.co.uk

So glad to hear you've managed to get Legal Aid! Please let us know how you get on.

Def worth contacting Mens Aid too.

Best of luck

Ok Update, The soon to be ex and I have been on the separated parent's course. She attended 2 days before I did and promptly returned home to pin her certificate on the fridge and read it out loud to the children! So I feel she may have missed some of the points of the course a little.

I saw my Solicitor on Thursday and spent the best part of an hour going through points of our relationship from start to where we are today. I wished he gave me the heads up a little as I would have prepared more, 21 years together and heaps of things have happened I could write a novel!

So I signed the non-molestation and occupancy order form I think.

Come Saturday and she is being very chitty chatty with me, lots of small talk, almost making an effort. I remember making a comment about something and she then flies off saying what but you hate me and goes on one. I walk away and later have to work.

Sunday, I'm up early and have work after only 5 hours kip I return about 2.30pm. I return home to a massive hug from my daughter. I'm only in the house 10 mins when she starts on me saying that our son wants a chinse for dinner and as you've done your self employed job last night you've loads of money!

I say no, I'll cook a roast. I ask my son if he wants to head to the shops to grab the bits. Wife heads to bed! Once I'm back from the shops and while cooking dinner, I do the father thing and mess around and play with my children, they look like they have cabin fever as she hasn't done anything with them all day, all she has done is housework!

I cook a huge, decent roast, wife comes downstairs just as I'm dishing it up and then heads outside for a [censored].

She comes in and goes for the longest shower, once she out she kicks off big style.

"I know when I'm not wanted here, no dinner cooked for me, you kids have ignored me or been rude and this has all happened since your father got in."

"If you only knew what he has planned for me etc....." Top parenting considering the course we've just attended.

I'm going out and I'll be back tomorrow, my son breaks his heart and goes with her, my daughter stays with me but is very torn and wants to keep both of us happy.

I'm guessing my solicitor has put something in then post to her that she received on Saturday.

Looks like the [censored] is about to hit the fan somewhat more!

I'll just await another visit from her father.

Thanks for the update.

Parenting courses are useful if a parent puts the effort in and wants to change, from what you say about your ex, that doesn’t sound likely.

You could write a chronology for your solicitor, it’s difficult to get everything in on one appointment, things always get forgotten. Just include the important events.

It’s awful that she has used the children, their emotions must be all over the place. Children’s love is unconditional and they will be looking for approval from you both, regardless of her bad behaviour.

If you get another visit from her Father, I would use your phone to record the visit, either that or keep the door locked, so that he can’t just walk in, and if he causes a problem or threatens you, call the police.

All the best

So the court case was the Thursday after I wrote my last post.

As I suspected her father was their but also her mother for once. Her Father mouthed "[censored] off" at me as I walked to the court room, so I went over and asked him directly what he said, he soon backed down.

Sadly the case didn't go my way as the judge didn't think the ground where strong enough.

We had to make a promise to the court that we would harm, pester, upset etc...each other. Nor encourage someone else to do so against the other party.

A few days later we have a talk about selling the house and splitting everything 50/50 including time with the kids, on the basis that we still go through the courts for custody.

This last all of around 10 days, as I approach the subject as we haven't acted on what we spoke about. Then she informs me that she wants to do it the "proper way" going through the solicitors.

Last night we have a big fight as she helped herself to the dinner I made, I said to her that she had a cheek. I said you really do want you cake and eat it. You've changed your mind about selling the house when we could both be on the path to moving on with our lives, you obviosuly hate me and you are divorcing me, yet here you are helping yourself to the food I've bought and cooked. With that she threw the dinner back into the pan and left the house.

On her return, all [censored] broke loose with a very screwed up 8-year girl.

My wife said that I've done it now as I've strated on her (wife not daughter)

I get home from work today to my wife saying that she's taking the kids away to MIL for a few days as they need a break away from me.

Past history has shown that my wife can't cope with the children, all the abuse has occurred during holidays from school. So yet again she's taking my children away from me because she can't cope.

Oh yet again for dinner, she's fed the kids microwave dinners.

I come home from football tonight and make myself Homemade Tagellti carbonara, my son whos still awake at 11pm! also has some.

She can't support the children properly.

How do I get these facts to someone that will listen?

How do I move on? I want to sell the house and get going.

Sorry for the short delay in getting back to you...Your solicitor can make an urgent application for a Prohibited Steps Order, to prevent her from taking the children away. You would cite the risk of harm and previous history of child abuse/her drug and alcohol abuse.

As far as moving on, perhaps you need to instigate divorce proceedings, as she has reneged on your verbal agreement... I don’t know much about this area of family law, but I would say this starts with mediation, to draw up an agreement on the financial side of things.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful. All the best

A couple of links....

https://www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/making-it-work/free-legal-consultation-divorce-separation

I’m not sure if we still partner with Dialogue First, but worth a try.

http://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

Wikivorce is a good website for more info on divorce.

Hi losingmymarbles,

This will be a difficult time and I feel for you. Be resolute, it will unfold in the end. Make sure you get the best deal you can for your children.

When you say the court case didn't go your way do you mean you didn't get the occupancy order to have your wife evicted?

I'm guessing you are back at the shared residency/shared estate situation now - whatever people might postulate, there is a bit too much bias in for men to do better than that. In can be made to work pretty well though (well, much better than the alternative) so stick at it - for your sake and for your children.

Best wishes,

O

Thanks gentleman, lots of reading to do,

Today we both started on each other, [censored] for tat, round in circles like children.

I broke down in tears and then she did. I said that I'm fed up with all this, it's been going on for over a year. Our poor kids are suffering, let's end this madness, let's sell the [censored] house and start proceedings to get away from each other.

She agreed, I then left the house as I had stuff to do and she went to see her parents. She was in a slightly different mood when she got back and went to bed. She said that it's just cause she was tired. Which may be true as I'm [censored] exhausted by all this, and I'm still working part-time and trying to get a business off the ground! All while trying to feed my children and get some "me time".

She says that she'll speak to her solicitor, who's back on Tuesday to see if my proposal is a valid one.

Fingers crossed for Tuesday.

I imagine you’re very wary of anything she says at the moment, keep your expectations in check and have a plan B. If she carries through with what she says, then it looks like there’s a chink of light at the end of the tunnel... fingers crossed too.

Best of luck

I know you are in a dark place at the moment - many of us have been there. There is not much point looking back now - just come up with the best plan you can for you and your children.

Good fortune

O

So what a shocker tonight my wife goes out and as I'm putting my daughter to bed she (daughter) starts to rage yet again. Luckily my wife arrives home soon after it starts and manages to calm it down.

The wife and I discuss how we're to deal with these rages and I say, well separating and getting out of each others hair would be a massive start. Of which wife goes off on one, it's going through the courts the financials are all in hand of the courts now and we can't sell.

I said unless you speak to your solictor how do you know, I'm not doing it was the reply.

So yet again back to square one, I want out, I'm sure my kids want out and to move on with their lives. But she thinks that she'll be missing out.

My solicitor is useless and also away until about the 28th.

I'm fed up.The last 4 or 5 days have been ok and I thought they was light at the end of the tunnel.