[Solved] Need advice or just someone else's look at something.

Sadly I also think you say the truth.

The only reason why she hasn't lost it is because I've been at home a lot of the time doing then parenting. She came and lead on my bed next to me yesterday and said "I need a day off", from what? I was thinking.

I still do 99% of the cooking, 100% of taking the kids out, to park, swimming, gymnastics, day trips, you get the picture.

She only does stuff if there is an effect, i.e for show. School runs, make sure the kids uniform is washed, she doesn't like them playing out the front too much in case the neighbors think bad of them etc...

She really is so old-fashioned and lazy it's unbelievable.

She already has legal aid ! and I think used most of it up.

You are correct that all money is tied in the house.

I have thought about taking the kids away from her, but I have no where to go, very little funds and don't think the council will say that I have a case.

I feel for you losingmymarbles,

I wish you good fortune, but this is a well trodden path your wife has embarked upon, so expect a bumpy ride. If your wife already has free legal aid then she will have made an accusation of domestic violence or abuse against you (that is the only way she would qualify in a divorce case - unfortunately there don't seem to be any checks where women make an accusation; there may well be no grounds but the system doesn't seem to care about that and the solicitor knows he will get paid). This is all so unfair.

O

I feel for you losingmymarbles,

I wish you good fortune, but this is a well trodden path your wife has embarked upon, so expect a bumpy ride. If your wife already has free legal aid then she will have made an accusation of domestic violence or abuse against you (that is the only way she would qualify in a divorce case - unfortunately there don't seem to be any checks where women make an accusation; there may well be no grounds but the system doesn't seem to care about that and the solicitor knows he will get paid). This is all so unfair.

O

So split everything as close to 50/50 as possible including where the children live?

I want to fight so that the children live with me. I'm pretty sure that if the children live with her within 3 months Social Services will be in touch with me saying there has been an "incident". There hasn't been for ages ALL because I've been at home to do most of the parenting.

Currently I can bearly afford a 1 bedroom flat on my own at the moment with my current wages. I couldn't pay for the family home as well. I'm not sure how long she could pay for it either as a single mother.

As for the legal aid, I'm aware that she has contacted a women's refuged for mental abuse. All because I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage!

Hi losingmymarbles,

I feel for you, I really do.

You could fight for full residency of your children, and if you won that you would probably keep the majority of the estate and your wife would have to fend for herself, and if she has any income contribute towards child maintenance. That would be a good situation for you, and I think your children, there would be a rainbow and the lambs would dance in the fields...

From what you have told us your wife is already preparing for that not to happen: she has secured legal aid (by accusing you of abuse, it sounds like you had wind of this) so she will get free solicitors and barristers, and in return you will get a £10,000 legal bill (maybe quite a bit more). There will probably be more allegations against you, which won't have to be all that true to be believed and there is considerable bias towards mothers when it comes to residency. What I am telling you is this is in no way a level playing field: your wife already has a head start, the backing of the legal aid budget and considerable bias on her side. Unless you are able to counter that with some pretty strong evidence against her record (like police records of violence, harming your children or abuse or a record of drug abuse - not just your opinion) then you are unlikely to win a residency contest. All the above does not mean you can't win a contested residency case, but if I was a betting man my money would not be on you prevailing.

None of this is fair, I know, but it is the way it is. By all means fight against it, but the chances are you will still end up getting divorced (and paying most of the fees if your wife cites 'unreasonable behaviour as her grounds), still end up as the non-resident parent (due to all the above), still end up having to move out of the house you own jointly, still have to pay half the mortgage until the children turn 18 and have a £10,000 legal bill for all your efforts. I'm certainly not telling you not do it...

You sound like a decent chap who has tried hard and just wants the best for his children (like many others).

What I am saying is that if you can avoid a costly legal battle (costly for you, almost free for your wife) and come to a fairly amicable agreement to split the estate (mainly the house) such that you can both care for the kids (your wife isn't likely to give up her advantage in this respect completely due to the strong causal connection between residency and money) then you (and your children) might end up far better off. This all hinges on making shared care work (otherwise the residency = money rule kicks in) - you might not like the sound of it but it might well be a great deal better than the alternatives.

My son (now 14) lives alternate weeks with me, it isn't perfect but it is far better than the other option for my boy. He is growing up to be an excellent young man and life improves steadily as his mother's influence tapers off. It was galling to have to buy my son's mother a house and a car, but my son's welfare was far more important to me than the money.

I don't know whether you can make this work with your circumstances, if you can make the numbers work (this normally comes down to money) then it will be a better solution than you living under the railway arches.

Life will probably seem a lonely place at the mo, that can't be helped. I found the best thing was to focus on being a good dad, to the complete exclusion of everything else (I still do that 6 years on, there was a good piece written by Imran Khan I read at the time which I used as a guide).

Good fortune, I really do hope this turns out well for you and your children.

O

Thank you so much for taking the time to type out such a lengthy reply. I'm also sorry to hear that you've also had issues.

I'm very naive when it comes to all of this and have no idea why I'll need to pay her legal bills. I have no understanding of how divorce works as it's the first and hopefully only time I've been here.

I do have documented evidence that she hit/abused our daughter 3 times. My wife has also admitted to assaulting me, which I'm using to hopefully get legal aid myself. I'm waiting to hear back from the Legal Aid people. She has also admitted to using illegal drugs in the past but currently isn't. But she is on a cocktail of other medicines!

As far as I know, she has spent all her legal aid money fighting the C100 that I put in, we've been to court twice and no further down the road.

I just wish my solicitor can have some answers for me soon. It's horrible being in Limbo, but I still can't work out why the U-turn. She NEVER wanted to sell the house and split things. I was still trying to do the decent thing back in April, sell and split the house, the kid's, everything 50/50.

She said no,

But all of a sudden she's now thinking that it's a good idea. All be it 60/40 in her way as shes expecting the children to live with her full time.

... whilst I have a great deal of respect for Othen, I must bring a little balance into the equation here.

There is some bias in the courts, but there are also many cases where the right decision has been made and a good result has been reached.

You have documented abuse against your child by your ex on three separate occasions, this should be to your advantage.

If your ex is claiming legal aid, you will not be liable for her legal bill. It may well be that you will also be entitled to legal aid, your daughter has been abused and it’s on record, this alone should mean that you will get legal aid.

She will have obtained advice from the refuge, but as she hasn’t been put into a refuge, there is a question mark over the mental abuse she has claimed... you’re living under the same roof, if there was abuse happening that wouldn’t be the case.

My advice is fight for your children, you have proof to back your application up. Call Social Services and discuss your concerns for your children’s safety with them, I’m pretty sure if you tell them she is after having the children full time, they will object to that and support your application.

Other people’s experiences are invaluable but everyone’s case is different and in my opinion you have a chance of gaining residency of your children and if that happens an occupation order would follow. If you’re minded to negotiate on the sale of the property, fair enough, but your children’s safety is non negotiable.

All the best

If you can’t get legal aid for the abuse you suffered, you are entitled to legal aid because of the abuse suffered by your child. I’ve linked some info about this by the Child Law Adviceline.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/legal-aid-for-family-law-matters/

More info about legal aid and child abuse

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/legal-aid-if-your-child-is-at-risk-of-abuse/

Thank you Mojo, you're just the reason why I've come here for advice.

Like I said I've never been in this situation before and getting different people's views on the situation can help me reach a decision on what to do.

I'm hopefully getting 2 lots of legal aid, 1 for residency of the children based on the abuse of them, that application is already in and I'm waiting to her back.

The 2nd one is for the divorce I've just put that in after getting a letter from my GP about her hitting me.

All she has to go on is the fact that

a) shes off the drugs
b) there hasn't been any issues in the last year,

Even though she threw a massive wobbly in the summer and nearly destroyed the kids swimming pool. She really doesn't have a fuse and sadly shouldn't have had children.

But I am aware that the courts can be very biased towards the female.

If I don't get sole custody I need to come out of this with as much money as possible so I can set up a family home. As I've said before, I'm pretty sure that the children will be with me within 3 months anyway as she will not cope.

The legal aid applications take some time, Christmas break doesn't help.

To be honest, patience will be your ally during proceedings... it all seems to move so slowly.

Quick update.

So my wife's father who's in his early 70's at a guess decided to pay me a visit and threaten me! I told him to go away and shut the door on him, with that he walked in the house and verbally assaulted me. He left after a minute or two after saying that I need to leave his daughter along or he'll "finish it".

Police called but as my wife turned on the waterworks again, they did nothing.

So I emailed my solicitor this morning about it and he replied with the good news that I have been granted legal aid. Hopefully, I can see him this week. Although I have work and both my soon to be ex-wife and I have children courses to go on.

I'll update if any more news.