Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi guys. I'm sorry in advance if I ramble on a bit but I'm really distraught at what's going on and I don't know who to talk to.
To make a long story short(er), I was assaulted by my wife several weeks ago. I had cuts, scratches and marks. I didn't retaliate, other than to calmly move her away from me. She called the police and they sent two vanfuls of police who arrested me in my dressing gown (it was very early morning). I was treated like a criminal, DNA taken, fingerprints, mugshots, etc. I was released with 'no further action' because I was innocent. The police told me that if I made an allegation against her, that they would question and arrest her. They had the evidence, a nurse's report and photographs, but I said no for the sake of the kids. The police advised me to stay elsewhere for a few days. This has turned into me staying elsewhere on a longer term because she would make my life [censored] if I tried to live in my own house.
I visit the house as often as I can, and she makes it as difficult as possible to see my children. For example she will stand in the hallway and refuse to move, hoping that I will try to get past so she can claim assault. She mentally abuses me, she tells me the children don't want to see me. The kids' reaction when I am with them tells me the complete opposite. My son told me he misses me and he loves me, totally of his own accord. My daughter is less than a year old but she always tries to get to me and is happy and giggly when I am playing with her.
My son is not biologically mine but I've been his dad for almost 5 years. She refuses to let me see him at all. I think in total I've seen him for about 15 minutes. My daughter is biologically mine (pending DNA test due to an incident that happened around the time she was conceived) and I am on her birth certificate. She instructed a solicitor to write a letter to me, she's told them that I assaulted her and all other kinds of lies. They 'ask' that I don't go to the house without prior arrangement and 'ask' that I don't contact her unless it's through her solicitor. After seeking legal advice myself I have been told that I have a right of access to the property and a right to see my children. Both our names are on the mortgage (she kicked up a massive fuss about it even though she has a very poor credit rating) but I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. She tried to get the CSA on my case but when I explained the situation to them they advised her to drop the case otherwise she would be worse off.
Although what I've said so far is bad enough, this is where it takes a turn for the worse.
I visited the house yesterday and was met with the usual amount of verbal and mental abuse, however I did manage to see my daughter for around 2 hours. A mutual friend was present until I tried to leave. My wife assaulted me again, believing I was going to take her ipod (I wasn't). I didn't suffer any major injury, a 2 inch scratch on my hand. Again, I didn't retaliate. However I was advised that any incident should be reported to the police. The irritating thing being that I was told that it could take an hour for the police to arrive, and I should wait nearby. Obviously it's not a priority when the man reports an assault. While I was waiting, she left the house. I went back in to use my toilet and she came back, obviously she had seen me waiting for the police. The mutual friend was babysitting my daughter. She then called the police herself!
When the police finally arrived, the officers asked me what happened and they asked if I wanted her arrested. Again this would affect the kids so I said I'd have to think about it while they questioned her. After about 45 minutes the police officers came out and I was totally shocked at what happened next. I was treated like I was guilty of assault and it was heavily implied that I would be arrested unless I handed over the key to my property. He later changed his story later on telling me that I could have my key but it would look better in court if I handed it over now. He also told me that if I returned to the property for any reason, they have instructed her to call the police immediately where I will be arrested. I questioned for what reason and told 'breach of the peace'. They also told me they have advised her to change the locks. I explained that this goes against what more than one solicitor has told me and he said they were all wrong. I explained that I was the one that was assaulted, again, and I was the one that called the police, just to record the incident. I am very unhappy that I have been treated this way, especially since I am innocent.
Since the original incident I have had real problems sleeping and concentrating at work. I feel like my life is falling apart. My boss has had unofficial words with me and although he is quite understanding, there could be further implications. Yesterday is playing on my mind constantly but I have to stay strong for my kids.
Any help or advice is gratefully received.
Hi there and welcome 🙂
I am sorry you are having such a distressing time and I completely understand how you must be feeling right now.
My advice to you at the moment is to take notice of what the police have told you, otherwise you could end up in court having to face charges of harrassment or assault, which would do your right to see your children no good at all.
Unfortunately as there has been domestic violence and the police have been involved you need to tread very carefully from now on. I think it would be a good idea for you to step back and take some time out. I know its difficcult and you miss your children, but the situation is very heated at the moment and could only get worse if you try and force the issue. The break will allow things to calm down and it might make your ex think about the impact this is having on the family. People do and say things in the heat of the moment that they later regret...
As you said yourself, you need to be strong for your children and I agree, so concentrate on getting yourself back on track, take care of the basics like eating and sleeping properly...if you're having difficulty sleeping them try some physical excercise and keep busy to take your mind off things.
Once you've stepped back and a few weeks have elapsed, you could try making contact through your mutual friend and perhaps you may be able to arrange somewhere that you can go and spend some time with your children that's away from the house.
Once things have settled down abit you could try mediation, this is where you would both attend at a mediation centre and with the guidance of a trained mediator discuss all the issues and hopefully reach an agreement. Heres a link ~ www.nfm.org.uk
If after you have tried everything to resolve things and are no further forward you could apply to the family court for a contact order. You will find information about this in two stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section. One is called Contact Order C100 Guide, this is the form you would need to fill in and submit to court for contact. The other is A Guide to Representing yourself in Court, both have lots of useful information and are well worth reading.
Good luck with everything 🙂
Thanks for the advice.
I get the impression that she's told the police and anyone who will listen a whole load of lies about me. The difference in the officer before and after he spoke to her was very noticeable - I felt like he treated me with contempt and he believed every word she said. She can be a very manipulative person.
The thing that annoys me the most is that I want to do the best for my children, and it seems that my wife and the police are stopping me from doing so. I've been assaulted twice that the police know about (there have been incidents in the past) and both times I have been treated like the criminal. Meanwhile she's sitting in a paid for house with my children, doing her best to ruin my life. God knows what she's telling my son. I know he will be asking her where I am and I can pretty much guarantee she's telling him I left because I don't care or I don't love him.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.