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Hi everyone! any help or advice anyone can give me would be fab! My son is coming on 5 years old and I havent seen him for nearly 2 years. It all started like this..... My ex and I split when my son was 18 months old, we remained civil and I was seeing my son every other weekend, Friday till Monday and 1 evening/ night during the week. I use to take my ex shopping every week and I was paying £50 a week cash for child support. I moved out of the home I shared with my ex and left her with all the furniture etc that we jointly owned so my son remained in a comfortable home. When my son was approx 3 years old a meet a new partner whom I slowly introduced to my son and I eventually moved in with her (by now my ex was living with her new partner) When my ex found out I was living with my new partner she refused me any contact with my son and stopped answering my phone calls. I was phoning approx twice a week to try and speak to my son however I soon had to stop this because my ex was threatening me with harrassing he. Any way after approx 3 weeks of not seeing my son I received a phone call from my ex saying she had moved approx 60 miles away with my son and that I was not allowed her new address. She did not give me a valid reason for not knowing where my son was living. I went to see a solicitor but I did not qualify for legal aid and I could not afford the cost's of hiring a solicitor privately. I tried tracking my ex down via electoral roll records etc but to no avail. Neither myself or any member of my family saw my son for over a year then out of the blue she allowed my father to travel 6 hours to see my son. My father asked on mybehalf if i was allowed to travel with him to see my son and my ex refused saying if i was there my dad would never see my son again. I did not go as i was grateful my father was being allowed to see my son as it meant my son had some sort of contact with his paternal family, I also did not want to upset my son by possibly turning up and my ex refusing to let me see him etc. She still refused to let any one know where she is living and my father had to meet her in a public place. My father has now seen my son twice over the last 2 years, however my ex still refuses any contact with me. She also does not allow my Mother to see or speak to my son. At the end of April this year it will be 2 years since i have last seen my son. I can't afford to hire a solicitor privately and I don't qualify for legal aid, I do have parental responsibility and I ordered a copy of my sons birth certificate to prove this. When this situation started I was signed off work for a few weeks due to the stress of not seeing my son. My current partner has been my rock since this started and i would not have got through this without her. Any way we cannot afford the private cost's of a legal battle so my partner has paid a one off fee for a private investigator to track my son down and find my ex's address. We got it through the post this morning and now I don't know what to do with it! Do i go and knock on her door and demand to see my son? Do i go back to a solicitor? My partner is expecting our baby soon and as our financial situation will be changing we think we will then qualify for legal aid. Do i wait until we get legal aid before i proceed with the next steps? When all of this started my partner and I had to phone the police several times due to my ex making very violent threats, so i am very reluctant to proceed with out a solicitor however every day I don't see my son is heartbreaking and i am constantly worried about the emotional effects this will all be having on him as we had a very very close relationship before all of this. When my partner and I also have our baby my son surely has the right to know and to have a relationship with his half sister after he has re established a relationship with me? Also i have parental responsibility yet i don't know what school my son goes to or anything! We have no court orders stating any visitation/ custody agreements etc in place at present. When all of this started i was more than happy to attend mediation with my ex to establish agreements for my sons benefit however my ex refused this. She also made claims that if i ever went to a solicitor she would make sure i never saw my son again........ She said she would tell officials that I abused both her and my son! (LIES!
) I am worried about this as 3 years ago she tore her mums marriage apart by accusing her stepfather of sexually abusing her as a child (She let slip on many times she was lying and thankfully the case was thrown out of court). I never wanted to split with my ex at the time and fought hard to save our relationship for the sake of our son even though she had been un faithful on more than one occasion and continued to be. Eventually it was doing my son more harm than good with us being together with the constant rows etc. I am now very happy with my partner and would not change a thing apart from to have my son in my life and to be part of my family! is that to much to ask???? Thanks to my current partner I have also been paying child support through the CSA since my ex moved as prior to this i do not have any paper records etc. I have never missed a CSA payment even though my ex refuses to let me see my son! Sorry its so long but i need to vent and get this of my chest. any help would be fantastic! So the question really is what do i do now? Turn up on my ex's doorstep and demand to see my son? or wait until my partner has our baby so i qualify for legal aid??? 🙁 Thanks in advance for any help you can all give!
Rich/b]
Hi Rich
An awful situation to be in, and it needs to be resolved as fast as possible. First, your ex threatening that if you go to a solicitor then you'll never are your son again is rather an empty threat as she's carrying this out already - speak to the children's legal Centre with a view to representing yourself initially - you need to check with them whether this will have any affect on a later legal aid claim (bear in mind that legal aid budgets are being cut anyway). I've made this point often before, but you need to be whiter than white in your actions, both for your son's sake, and so that your ex Haas nothing she can use against you in court - judges are generally pretty good at seeing through persistent lies that she may throw at you.
Under no circumstances should you turn up on your ex's doorstep as she may well call the Police and then you could be looking at a criminal charge, which you certainly do not want hanging over you in a family court, and combined with using a PI, she could claim you were stalking her - all this would virtually destroy the case you have. Instead, you need to use this address to serve papers on her, initially for mediation, though if you can show that she has refused mediation already, then you could reasonably argue that there is no point in trying this again and go straight to court to get a contact order.
As I said above, give the children's legal Centre a call ASAP to get their advise on how best to proceed.
Hi Rich,
You seem to have gone through a torrid time mate. This query seems to have slipped through the net and you have not received a reply from our friends at the CLC. I will ask them to stop by and respond to your queries mate.
Hang in there
Gooner
Dear Richfrost81,
As your situation is complex I will not be able to advice you in great detail, but below are some general points which you could think about.
Ordinarily we would advice that mediation should be the first course of action, but as you’re ex partner is being extremely difficult and has hidden her contact information from you, it may not be possible for you to pursue. As you now know the child’s whereabouts you could take the legal route and avoid any damaging confrontation. This could lead in things getting out of hand and she may even call the police. This would all mount up to evidence against you.
You could wait until you qualify for legal aid and use the assistance of a solicitor, or alternatively you could apply for a contact order yourself.
Apply for a contact order:
A contact order is where the court will decide what access and under what conditions you should have with your child. Unfortunately we cannot say what the courts will decide, but they will aim to be impartial and fair to all the parties.
With regards to the actual contact the court will decide what is in the child’s best interest using the welfare checklist. The order will create a legally binding order enforceable against the mother if awarded by the courts, and in most cases the courts facilitate contact unless there are exceptional reasons not to.
You can apply for a contact order by visiting the HMCS website to download the C100 application form. Additionally you can download guidance notes called CB1 and CB3. There is a £200 fee for making the application which covers the proceedings. You would submit the application to court closets to where the child resides – please check with HMCS which court this should be.
If you are entitled to legal aid you can approach a solicitor to assist you in making a contact order application and to represent you in court. To check your eligibility you can visit www.clsdirect.org.uk or telephone Community Legal Advice on 0845 345 4345.
The court process will consist of a directions hearing where the judge will decide what steps are required and it will give an opportunity for the court to do fact finding. This will be followed by the final hearing allowing the parties to put forward their proposals and objections. The whole process can take 6 to 12 months, however the court has discretion to make interim decisions to allow you contact whilst the case proceeds.
As for the schooling information, as a parental responsibility holder you should be involved in the decision making process. In some circumstances we would advice applying for a specific issue order to allow this to take place, however if you apply for contact, then this can be brought up during the hearing. I think the primary concern is to re established contact and a relationship with your child.
I hope this helps, and if you have any further enquiries you can call us on 0808 802 0008.
Kind regards,
THE CHILDREN’S LEGAL CENTRE
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