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hi i dont really know where to start and before i found this site i felt lost and alone but after reading some other posts its nice to hear ppl thinking and feeling and going through the same experiences as me. so thanks a lot!!!. Sorry this is going to be long, its very complicated.
Basically i have a little girl who is 4 and a half. I have been split with the mother for over 3 years now and she lives with her new partner. in the beggining we were living together and i tried my hardest to make things work , because coming from a life in foster care i knew what its like growing up without parents and its the last thing i wanted for my daughter. But after a while i realised that staying with her just for my daughters sake was doing more harm than good so i moved out. After this trying to have a relationship with my daughter got more difficult, because i was living further away and i work full time so i mainly only got to spend time with my daughter at the weekends. Everything has always been on her terms and in the past she has used my daughter against me, by that i mean everytime we had an argument or i cudnt pick her up at a certain time or place, then she would stop me seeing my daughter. Normally this only lasts a few weeks at most and she lets me see her again. At the time my thoughts were just keep agreeing with her and being nice and try not to wind her up and basically i was minimising contact with her to only when i needed to arrange seeing my daughter. I felt trapped and blackmailed into doing whatever she wanted all because i knew that at anytime she might stop me seeing my daughter again. I can honestly say that my ex is the only person i have ever hated in the whole world , and to have to be nice and freindly to someone like that because you know at any minute they can stop you seeing youre daughter is gutwrenching. im sorry if that sounds two faced because im not like that but when the choice is be nice even when u dont want to be or not see youre kid then its not really much of a choice. Neway this went on for the first few years and as you can imagine it has been difficult, then things got worse. firstly my dad was taken ill with cancer and then a few months later my mother was also diagnosed with cancer. So i moved back home to be with them, unfortunatly it is very far from where my ex now currently lives. this has made things worse as i have to rely on other ppl to give me lifts all the time to go and pick my daugther up. 9/10 times my parents or freinds are always willing to give me lifts so this hasnt been much of a problem but lately both my parents have been in and out of hospital a lot and we only have the one car now so i havnt been able to see my daughter as much as i would like. this lead to an argument between me and my ex and im not gonna lie and pretend its all one sided. basically she was annoyed with me cos i didnt have my daughter for a particular weekend so she sent me abusive messages on windows messenger, i kept ignoring them because i knew that rising to the bait and arguing with her would mean not seeing my daughter but one day after i got another message , i know it was wrong but i snapped and sent one back over facebook here is the message i sent
" 06 November at 11:22
err maybe the reason i dont pick up the phone and ring you is cos i dont wanna talk to you and i cant stand you. epescially when u leave me horrible messages like u did the other day.!! Didnt even say happy birthday u just left me a nasty message all because i was working and forgot to ring you back when i missed ure call its pathetic. And you dont have a clue wat its like. Its horrible for me not being able to see her and i hate being stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, but theres nothing i can do till i past my driving test. And its horrible the fact that you and John get to spend everyday with her.And the fact you let lucy call john daddy makes me sick everytime she says it. im fed up with her living in a skank house because you cant be bothered to clean. and everytime she comes to me in shitty clothes or everytime i buy her presents they get ruined cos ure too lazy to look after them properly. I mean i came round the week after her birthday and all of her toys were broke. it took me over 2 weeks to save up for them. if i could id take her off you permanantly after all the things u done. you maybe better now but dont ever forget how u used to be before you start preaching to me you [censored]."
As you can see i was out of order my language was inapropriate but i just cant take it no more. And a lot of the stuff i said is true. My daughter always comes to me dirty and in horrible clothes (unless shes been to her nans house first, my exes mother). the first thing i do is bath her and change her clothes when she comes to mine. And my exes house is a mess they have 4 dogs running around and they hardly clean the place properly. All her toys and everything that i have ever brought my daugther gets chewed by the dogs or broken or goes missing. so its got to the point where i keep it all at my house so its looked after and she can use it when she comes over. this is horrible though sometimes she wants to take her teddies or favourite toys with her and she cries when i try to explain that she has to leave it here so that it will be safe and she can have it next time she comes over so i give in and let her take it and its never seen again or it gets broken. Im not on a lot of money, and sometimes i have to save up for ages to buy my daughter stuff and its so frustrating knowing she never gets to play with things or that i cant send her home in nice clothes cos i know they will get ruined and nothing is looked after properly. Also in the past my daughter has been admited to hospital cos she swallowed a broken bit of a cd that was lying around when my ex wasnt watching her properly, and stopped breathing. and i dont know if this is true because my ex wudnt give me the details of the social services that dealt with the case but aparently my daughter was taken into temporary care because my ex was arrested while my daughter was there. luckily they give her to her grandmother. but for obvious reasons she wudnt tell me which social services dealt with the case or why she was arrested. all i know is that one day she let me go all the way donw there thinkin i was gonna have my daughter for the weekend and i wasnt aloud to have her because she was ordered by social services to stay with the grandmother and i wasnt aloud to take her. At one point i cudnt get hold of my ex for over a week as she had lost her phone but didnt bother trying to contact me and tell me. when i finally learned she had no phone i went down there and gave her my samsung phone complete with sim and charger just so i could have a number that i could get hold of her on.
Well after i sent that message she basically told me again that im never gonna see my daughter again and that johnher new bf is a better dad forlucy. since then she wont answer my calls or nothing and its lead me up to this point where im completly lost as to what to do about it. i began researching stuff on the internet and it seems my case is even harder than normal. My ex deliberatly went and got my daughter registered with only her name on the birth certificate, while i was at work one day. so my names not even on the birth certificate. which i think means i dont have parental responsibilty and therefore even less rights. Also i didnt realise that paying csa was a legal requiremnt, i used to just give her money in the past as well as buy my daughter things but when i realised that none of the money was being spent on my daughter i stopped giving her money. there is no records of this as i used to give her cash. since finding this out i have tried to contact her to set up a standing order to pay the money into her account but she wont answer, i even asked her nan (cos im still on good speaking terms with her mother and her sisters) if i could pay it into her account so she could either spend the money on my daughter or give it to my ex but because she is on job seekers allowence she said she cant do this because then they would want to know why she suddenly had extra money going into her account. Ive battled to be in my daughters life up to this far and at the moment i just feel so depressed especially not being able to see my daughter over xmas and the thought of having to go to court brings back bad memories as i was taken off my parents along with my 7 sisters at the age of 4. so its scary and at the same time from my research and from stories ive heard costs can be anything from hundreds upwards and i just cant afford that sort of money. Please if u could help or just point me in the right direction i would be very grateful and thanks for everything, it feels better just being able to talk about it to someone as ive bottled it all up for a little while now . THANKS (ps names have been changed to hide identitites)
Hi GeNie,
Welcome to Dad Talk. I'm sorry that difficult circumstances have brought you here.
Thank you for sharing so honestly. I can see you really enjoy and miss your daughter. Its great that she has a Dad who cares so much.
You mentioned that your name wasn't on her birth certificate. One thing I wonder is that by getting a DNA test you might be able to prove you are your daughter's Father, which could give you Parental Responsibility. Sorry, but I don't know you would get this started or how much it might cost.
I have contacted our legal experts to give you advice on your situation, it will take them a couple of days to reply so check back here.
One for the legal experts, but I agree that you need a paternity test to get you parental rights as a starting point. Solicitors costs will more likely to be thousands, or tens of thousands if it gets really bad, so consider representing yourself.
If you are also wanting to pay maintenance, then you can contact the CSA yourself, as either parent can start off the process. The CSA only start calculation from the day they become involved, so contacting them yourself could be shooting yourself in the foot.
I'd be more inclined to consider spending the money on clothes for your daughter - keep any receipts for anything you buy as it can be used to show that you are trying to maintain your daughter if you argue that your ex isn't doing so. You could also consider contacting social services if the standard of hygeine is not suitable - it won't help the situation between you and your ex, but it may force her to do something about looking after your daughter properly.
Finally, take photos of the state your daughter arrives in (don't make it obvious why you are taking photos, as far as she is concerned, you are just taking them for an album), keep copies of all communication between you and your ex (however bad it may be), and above all, try not to rise to snapping back at anything she says, otherwise she will use it against you.
Dear GeNie
It does not appear that you have parental responsibility for your daughter. This means that at the moment your ex-partner can make most decisions in relation to your daughter. It is possible for you to gain parental responsibility either by agreement with your ex-partner or by applying to the court for a parental responsibility order.
Even if you did have parental responsibility, this does not give a right of contact with a child. The children themselves have a right of contact and if the children are considered too young to exercise that right then it is up to the resident parent to decide how much, if any, contact to allow.
There are ways which you can gain a set amount contact with your daughter. The first option that you should consider is that of family mediation. Most parents who apply to court for a contact order try mediation first. The courts generally like to see that the parents have attempted to resolve the problems themselves. In many instances, legal aid will only be granted where mediation has been tried. National Family Mediation ( www.nfm.org.uk ) offer a nationwide service and can be contacted directly for more information regarding this option.
If mediation is unsuccessful or your ex-partner refuses to attend then you have the option of making an application to court for a contact order. A contact order is an order made by the court under s.8 Children Act 1989. The order makes clear who shall have contact with the child, how often this will be and how long the contact will be for.
Going to court can be a stressful and expensive experience. It is a 'last resort'. Before making an application for an order parents should seek legal advice. It is possible for a parent to make an application themselves, but there are advantages to being represented by a solicitor. A solicitor will know and understand the process and procedures and can help reach agreements.
The court must only make an order where they consider it would be better for the child to do so rather than making no order at all. To make an application to the court you can either use a solicitor or alternatively act for yourself as a litigant in person.
It may be possible that you qualify for legal aid and therefore will be able to use a solicitor free of charge. To determine whether or not you qualify for legal aid please follow the link to a legal aid eligibility calculator: http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/ ... ution=e1s3 .
If you are going to act for yourself because you do not qualify for legal aid then an application to the court can be made by filling out a C100 form and sending it to the court. You can obtain the C100 form by visiting the Her Majesty’s Court Service website ( www.hmcs.gov.uk ) or alternatively you can visit your local county court to collect the form. There is an application fee of £175 if you do not qualify for legal adi. Once the form has been completed you should return it to the court with the fee. The parties involved will receive a date on which to attend court.
The court will make a decision regarding what contact to allow based on what is considered to be in your children’s best interests.
If a contact order is put in place then your ex-partner cannot override this. Your ex-partner will be bound to follow the order and there are penalties for breach of a contact order.
If you have welfare concerns regarding your daughter then you should report these to social services. You can also contact the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000 in relation to concerns regarding neglect of your child.
We hope this information has been of use to you. For further clarification regarding this issue or any other issue of child law then please do not hesitate to contact the Child Law Advice Line on 08088 020 008.
Kind regards
Children's Legal Centre
hiya m8t ur not allown i no the feeling. my ex has a problem with drugs.i didnt know if my son was mine,as she had cheeted, id asked 4 a dna was told no so decided to hv my name put down anyway so glad i did. we had lots off arments sort brake were we both had new partners my son was llway used against me as a wepon cs she knows it the 1 thig that could hurt me. even telling me shed filled the bath to drown him and shed shook him but couldnt bring her self to drown him. i still have nightmares about it now she denide it to her family and sosal services extra. she whent to the csa even thow i was paying and they enforced she had a dna cost me 150 quid but best money i have ever spent.to know reece is mine. love him to bits,did b4 but so glad he is.
then sosal service gt involed and her fella contating me saying i need to get care off reece quick. next minit shes cumin running back to me wount tell me whats happend just that sosal services r involed, no offence to her but if she told me it was raining i would have to check.the two storys didnt match up just that he ened up with a nife in him and he was put on tag worring reely as few hours b4 bothhad bin taking drugs. both off um had mcat. id reported drugs b4 and desmissed.sosal service closed the case i have vido footage off her doing drugs off a friend but its nt gd anf its expepltable 4 class a drugs to be used acording to a miss atkinson off sosal services.i havnt cn my son 4 4 monthes shes turned down request off my solicter 4 acces
and 4 solasal services vistiting center why i dnt know my solicter wount ask why.i am aperntly friends with the ex cs hes sent me 4 emails throw fcbook telling me what happend.reece is being used as a wepon to hurt me. i got to c him sunday 4 5 minits at his christing thanks to the vicker.
wonder how long it will be b4 i get any form off access
it anneys me cs shes drunk drive with him damaged her car on his side. 😈 then told me sum1 kicked it.year right sorry u dnt bentd a car chasie leg buy kicking it.
drugs all the time class a . i dnt drink i dnt smoke i dnt do drugs it annys me
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