[Solved] My eldest son HELP!!

Hi Simon

This must be very upsetting for you all and I include the mother in this, she obviously isn't coping with his tantrums and this is making them worse.

You do have a couple of options, the first would be to try Mediation, this is the first step before applying to the family court anyway and you would need to show the court that this has been attempted.

The other option would be to keep hold of him after a visit and apply for an urgent Child Arrangements Order for him to live with you....this is extreme and would inevitably cause further problems between you and your ex.

Courts do not like to split siblings up and he is too young for his wishes to be taken into account, so it might be an uphill task to get a successful result.

I think the best advice I can give at this moment would be to keep trying to work this out informally between yourselves, or through Mediation. You could talk to his Health Visitor about your concerns, I wouldn't involve Social Services at this point as he isn't at any serious risk, but the Health Visitor may be able to suggest some techniques to help your ex deal with his behaviour.

Best of luck.

Hi Simon

I see that this post has been duplicated in the welcome section, to avoid confusion I shall delete it from there but if you would like to pop back over there and introduce yourself that would be great! Thought I should tell you what I'm doing in case you are wondering where your other post had gone!

The welcome section is for introducing yourself to the forum members but its better to post any issues you have in the main section as it will get more attention there...the Legal Eagle section tends to be our busiest section so I'm sure you will get further responses.

Thanks NannyJane,

I think mediation will be the best step to take. As much as i'd love to just keep him when she drops them off i feel that'll just cause more issues.

I've kept screen shots of all the messages shes sent and some other serious issues she has sent to me. I just want them both to be happy chappys and right now i dont feel he is 🙁

... I agree, much better to resolve this between yourselves.

It's sensible to keep all communication between you both, a diary would be useful for you to record all dealings with each other. If things get worse and you have no other option than to apply to court then this will be helpful.

Does he attend nursery or pre-school? It might be a good idea to speak to them about it.

Perhaps when he starts school things may settle down. In the meantime it might be worth looking into tried and tested techniques to deal with the temper tantrums and if possible work on it together. If he see a united front then he may also calm down.

I meant to include a link to the Mediation service in my previous post, so here it is

www.nfm.org.uk

Hi Simon

NJ has given you good advice and I agree with all of that. How often do the children stay with you? Is that something that could increase so that Mum might have a bit more time to recharge and your children get the benefit? As NJ says, things may improve once school starts.

Hi 1626

I have the boys every weekend, Its hard for me to see them on the weekdays as I work out in London.
Also i'm self-employed so not working means no money 🙁

How about grandparents or other family members, could they help? I have my grandsons weekly to help out and give my kids a break. Perhaps you could suggest popping in after work to help at bedtime, or maybe you could use Face Time to talk to him more often if you can't be there in person.

It's tough juggling work and family life, but perhaps more time put in at this point might prevent splitting him up from his Mum and his little brother, which is on the cards if things don't improve... if that were to happen it would probably be even more difficult for you to organise work around childcare.

Hi,

My son is 6 and for the past two years I have had the same problem. Unfortunately as you are not the resident parent, you can’t say enough is enough and he is living with me. There are many hurdles that you will have to jump through. Your first option from a legal perspective is mediation. Get this done asap and start dialog with the mother about attending. Second speak to his school about his behaviour when he is at the school. They do provide a non-biased perspective on how your child interacts with other people. Third, I would suggest possibly looking at play therapy. Your son may be struggling to understand his emotions and the situation he finds himself in and the frustration he feels manifests itself in these outbursts, almost like re-living the terrible twos. This is something both you as parents can attend and will help you understand your son and support him in what is a very difficult time.

You may not like this but if you became the resident parent the outbursts may still continue, it’s just as it was with my son, that he desperately didn’t want to upset me as he worried his actions may have caused issues with visiting me. It may be that your ex is doing nothing wrong and be prepared to hear this, it may just be that your son is lashing out where he knows he can and it will not affect his contact with mum, but he is afraid that is he misbehaves he may lose what contact he has with you. My son has started with these outbursts at school now.

Rather than seeking to change circumstances, sit down with your ex and try to see what can be done to support your children through the upheaval and make sense of the frustration, pain and anger they feel as it’s not just parents that have lost a relationship, but the children have lost, especially in my sons case as he sees it, his world and it will never return to his version of what he remembers as normal.

I have ended up in court due to the fact that the split was bad, and has just detreated over time. If I could, I would go back and change al the anger and angst as not only has it meant I am in the situation I am in now, but the effect it has had on our son.

Dear Simon,

Thank you for your enquiry.

Before we are able to advise you fully we have to establish if you have Parental Responsibility for your son. You would have Parental Responsibility for your son if:

• You were married to the mother at the time of your child’s birth; or
• You subsequently married the mother after the birth of your child; or
• You are named on your child’s birth certificate and your child was born after 1 December 2003; or
• You have entered into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the mother; or
• You had a Parental Responsibility Order granted in your favour by the courts; or
• You had had residence of your child awarded in your favour through a Residence or Child Arrangement Order by the courts.

Having Parental Responsibility for your son would mean that you would have equal legal rights for your son along with the mother. In practice this would mean you will have a right to an equal say in all key decisions in your son’s life, this would include for example any medical, educational or religious decisions and any decision in changing your son’s surname. It does not grant either of the parents the automatic right to have your child reside with you or allow any automatic right to contact with your child.

If you do not have Parental Responsibility, there are a number of steps you can take in order to get this. Firstly if you are not named on your son’s birth certificate then with the mother’s consent you could have the birth reregistered to have you entered onto the birth certificate thus granting you Parental Responsibility. Alternatively, you and the mother can sign together a Parental Responsibility Agreement. This agreement would be made on a prescribed form called a PRA1; this form is available from your local Family Court or online at www.justice.gov.uk. This agreement would have to be signed with the consent of the mother and at your local Family Court where it would have to be signed and witnessed by a member of the court staff, e.g. a clerk.
If the mother does not agree directly with you to let you obtain Parental Responsibility by the methods above we would first advise you to attempt to come to an agreement on doing so through mediation. For more information on mediation and for assistance in organising this you can contact National Family Mediation on 03004000636.

If mediation failed and the mother was still unwilling to allow you to obtain Parental Responsibility then you can apply to court for a Parental Responsibility Order. This would be done using a C1 form available from the same sources as the PRA1. There are two guidance leaflets, CB1 and CB3, available from the same sources that will assist with the C1 form. In deciding whether or not to grant any Parental Responsibility Order the court will consider the following:

• Your connection and attachment to your son; and
• Your reasons for applying.

It is worth noting that Parental Responsibility Orders are usually granted and would only normally be refused if there were severe welfare concerns. There is a fee of £215 for a Parental Responsibility Order. If you are on a low income or on benefits you may be eligible for a full or partial fee exemption and should consult the fee exemption form EX160A, again available from your local Family Court or online at www.justice.gov.uk.
Residence

In the absence of any court orders saying otherwise your son can legally reside with either parent with Parental Responsibility and there is no legal assumption in favour of either mother or father. In practice this can mean whoever is the resident parent at any given time can retain the child in their care and refuse to allow the other parent any contact with the child. Although both parents do have a duty to be reasonable about contact and if they are not it could reflect poorly on them in any future court proceedings.

As others have advised previously, you might want to speak to your son’s school for their input so that you can make a measured decision about what is best for your son and his living arrangements. You might want to explain to the mother that your son needs stability which she is currently unable to provide and propose to her that you take your son on a trial basis.

If you cannot reach an informal arrangement. The next step we would advise you to take is to try and come to a new settled agreement for residence of your son with the mother through mediation. Under the Children and Families Act 2014 it is a legal requirement to attempt this before you make any application to court. For more information on mediation and for help organising it you can contact National Family Mediation on 03004000636. Legal aid is available for mediation.

If mediation is not successful then you could apply to court for residence of your son under a Child Arrangements Order. This application would be made using a C100 form, available from your local Family Court or online at www.justice.gov.uk. There are two further guidance leaflets, CB1 and CB3, which will assist with this form.

As mentioned above, generally courts are reluctant to separate siblings, but the courts will look at the whole circumstances. In deciding on whether or not to issue such an order the court will base their decision on what they feel is in the best interests of your son’s welfare and in doing so they will consider the welfare checklist:

• Wishes and feelings of the child (weight given to these feelings depends on the age of the child, more weight being given to a child over the age of 11).
• Childs physical, emotional and educational needs.
• Effect of any change on the child.
• The age, [censored] and background of the child.
• Any harm which the child has suffered or may suffer.
• How capable each parent is of meeting the Childs needs.

The fees for the application to court would be £215. However if you are on a low income or in receipt of benefits you may be eligible for a full or partial fee exemption and should consult the fee exemption form EX160A, again available from the same sources as above.

If you require any further advice please do not hesitate to contact us. Our advice line phone service on 08088020008 is available Mon-Fri between 8:00-20:00.

Hi

In regards to the mediation, I offered this to her twice now and she has turned it down and said she wouldn't attend.

Things got a tad heated after as she doesn't understand that i'm trying to help her more than anything.
It ended with me giving her an ultimatum, iv'e given her a month to sort herself out. Its obvious that his anger is due to lack of attention because my youngest receives it all. I've told her to start giving giving my eldest equal amount of attention as she gives my youngest, also to be alot more strict when it comes to his behavior.
If all else fails and he is still the same I will have to take legal action.
I have got 10 pages of texts and facebook messages of her asking me to have my eldest as she cant cope with him ect.

At the end of the day I want my sons to be happy and if I don't feel like they are I will do everything I can to change that!

I understand where you are coming from, but try not to give ultimatums, they only cause problems, get peoples backs up and in all honesty don’t show you in a good light when it comes to court. Giving a struggling mum an ultimatum rather than support will not been seen positively in court regardless of how well intentioned they are. You may even, depending on the judge, be seen as part of the problem rather than a solution. My advice is tread very carefully.

You have evidence of her saying she can’t cope, but that doesn’t prove care issues should you go to court and if you raise care issues it will delay any court decision. It can be argued that she is reaching out for support and all you have done is react giving ultimatums, so please be careful, as the father you are already on the back foot and have to be whiter than white. You have stated that you have problems caring for your son during the week due to work commitments, this will not be in your favour. Rather than mediation you could try relate, who will help you and your wife work towards better communication and understanding which in the long run will benefit both your boys.

I crossed the point of no return and now have no option but to go to the courts as issues like you have described have escalated out of control to the point where communication is non-existent., it has had a terrible effect on my son. I would strongly advise that you both try and talk it out and find an amicable solution, if not through mediation there are other services available.