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my story : my name is S and I was married to my wife (T) for just over 5 years and we have now been separated for almost 4.5 years. During that time we had two girls. they are now 7 and 5 and they live residentially with their mother approx 20 miles away. I am now in a new relationship with a lady (k) who also has two children who strangely are the same ages as my girls. 🙂 it's not been easy as, until recently, I really struggled to bond with k's children due to not seeing and being with my girls everyday. but over time we've got there and things are now a lot better. its not k's or k's childrens fault so it would be unfair for them to suffer just because of my situation but it selfishly took me time to realise that. I really regret it now but i'm lucky enough to have the chance to do things right with k and her children
;))))
Anyway I came back from a military tour in Afghanistan to find that my wife had been growing to have feelings for another guy and although she denied anything physical was happening they were texting intimate and very sexual msgs within 24 hours and she was staying over his house after nights out so hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
I couldn't deal with that so I left her. now I must admit I went off the rails for a while and started drinking smoking etc as well as moving out of the family home. Things were awful for a long time and my prioritys selfishly weren't 100% on the girls but my head was really up my a~~e :(((
In that few months fortunately the girls were too young to remember it and although I was there financially and physically I wasn't there mentally and I really regret that. however after I got myself straight I have been there 100% for the girls as best I could. I provide financially ( even when I was unemployed I paid the same amount as I was before)
I have them at least every other weekend as well as half of every holiday period. I also travel to take them for tea 1 night every week. and I help contribute extra money towards school uniforms e.t.c and the girls are really happy around me and my new family and they know they are loved and cared for. :))))))
since this situation (T) has always refused to travel and even used the term " they're your children if you want to see them you will travel" she knows I will do it because of my love for them so shes definitely in control of that one. unlike her I will not let the girls miss out on their parents because of our issues. the big bug bear at the moment is xmas. (T) has point blankley refused to let the girls wake up in my house on xmas morning??? she says I can have them from xmas morning through till boxing day morning every other year (again if I do all the travelling)!!
And her reason for this "theyre too young to wake up in somebody elses house other than their mums on xmas"
So new year is ok and half the holidays is ok and every other weekend is ok and any other time is ok but not that morning !!!!!! [censored]!!!
I have spoken to my soliciter and he says I could raise a court action but it could cost thousands. now I will pay this if I have too but I really don't want this to affect the girls and unfortunately they are too young to voice their concerns. now I'm fully aware of the girls in this and at no point will I put our squabbles before them but I feel that me,the girls and my new family are really missing out on a special time because of (T)s selfishness. The girls opinion will legaly count when they are twelve but the last thing I want to do is sit and ask them too choose because that would be awful for them so I would rather get this sorted and make it routine to do year about without their knowledge.
Am I being selfish???? Would I have a strong case in court?? are the travel arrangements fair??
thanks folks :)))))))
Hi zippy
I don't think you are being selfish, why shouldn't you have the joy of seeing your little girls faces when they wake up Xmas morning and see their presents!
I think the order your solicitor would probably raise is a Specific Issue Order, to ask for Xmas to be shared alternatively year on year, you could also extend this to include the girls birthdays. I think you would have a fairly good chance of success, unless you got a judge that decided that as you have been able to sort contact out, that you should be able to sort this out too and give a no order judgement.
There have recently been some family law reforms introduced which makes mediation compulsory before any court application is accepted. This might be something that is helpful to you. Here's a link
www.nfm.org.uk
As far as the travel arrangements are concerned, I think this is much more of a grey area. You could try and reach a fair agreement in mediation but courts may not involve themselves in this...again some orders do stipulate a share of travel arrangements, my son and his ex do one journey each....he takes his son for contact with the mother and she returns him home (my son has custody)
Have you thought of self representing in court, many dads here do just that...check out the stickys at the top of the legal eagle section, lots of useful info there.
Good luck.
I would think carefully before considering the court, purely because at the moment you do seem to have a reasonable relationship going, though I appreciate it is not ideal. It could probably turn a lot worse if you went through court (many ex's suddenly prevent contact once this starts), and you might not gain much. As mojo says, try mediation, not just because it's compulsory, but I think realistically you have a much better chance to sort something out through this, while continuing to see your girls.
Mojo has given you great advice and I agree with actd too, if you can avoid court, do. My partner is waiting for his final hearing and the little goodwill that existed between him and his ex has seen a rapid decline during the process.
He is also pursuing a share of travel as there is 65 miles between the houses, he doesn't drive, I do as does his ex, so I have offered to do half of it rather than subject the child to long journeys on public transport. As Mojo says, this is a very grey area.
If you don't have any luck with mediation & court becomes the route you take you can find a professional McKenzie Friend to assist you, that's what we have done, although they are not regulated so do your research carefully..... You're not being selfish on these issues. Good luck.....
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