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Hi All,
You'll notice I'm going to try and type in summary form, without too much detail to avoid people having to read a monster of an essay (or at least thats the intention). Please feel free to ask any questions you wish.
I'd like to start off by saying 2 things:
- My situation is a vast improvement on a lot of single dads on here, and I am genuinely appreciative and humble for that (For those reading who are not in the fortunate situation I am in, I genuinely wish you all the luck in your attempt to reach your desired goals)
- Secondly, when you read this post, please keep in mind that the mother of my child is in no way a women I hate or feel is extremely negative for my daughter. She has NEVER stopped me seeing my daughter, and she has always encouraged our relationship.
Although the above 2 notes are positive, as I'm sure all fathers agree, I dont just want my daughter to be in a 'satisfactory' position, I want the absolute best for her.
So, the current situation:
I'm 27, I live with my girlfriend who is also 27, we've been together for 4 years and our relationship is extremely healthy, we are very content together, argue very little, have a house full of happiness and respect, and we're currently trying for our first baby. We both work full time.
My daughter just turned 7. I see her every weekend without fail, Friday at 5pm to Sunday at 6pm. Me/my partner take regular time off to go on holidays with my daughter, and have her extra for her birthday/Christmas.
My ex is 28, shes a stay at home mum with a partner who works full time, her and her partner have a child together and obviously my daughter lives with them. I'm involved with some decisions of her upbringing, but have very little involvement with big decisions.
My partner is very narrow minded, does not take well at all to any form of criticism, and goes through periods of seemingly trying to initiate arguments, of which I take the higher ground and ignore.
I want my daughter to live with me full time, I've mentioned it before to my ex and she basically laughed down the phone. The reasons for this are very simple, I truly believe my daughter will have more loving, caring, strict, nurturing upbringing with me and my partner than she does currently. Below are a few reasons why, so you can get a feel for why I believe this to be true: (I'll refer to my daughter as Sally for the sake of this post and the very small chance someone reads this that I know):
- Sally regularly mentions how her mum and bf argue/shout/swear in front of her and her brother, and also at them sometimes; I've witnessed this when I've picked Sally up and the manner in which my ex speaks to Sally is very disrespectful, very much the attitude "I'm your mother and I'll speak to you how I wish".
- My ex never does homework with Sally, by her own self admission.
- My ex relies on me constantly to take Sally to the doctors/hospital if necessary and regularly sends her to mine on a weekend with a chest infection etc (she has asthma), of which I always resort to dialing 111 and having to take her to the out of hours doctors
- My ex lets Sally sleep at her mums. This is a lady that took my daughter horse riding with no saddle, no helmet, at the age of 4, the horse bolted and Sally fell off bruising all her back, luckily nothing more serious. Also this is a lady that lets her play Grand Theft Auto; for those that have played, I need say no more. I have voiced my frustrations/concerns numerous times to my ex about her mother, but she continues to let her go.
- General concerns towards the diet of Sally; whilst not horrific, I really do believe a good balanced diet helps towards education etc etc (she is not overweight - so its not that bad)
- Sally has asthma, I've told my ex for years that she must take the brown in the morning and night, even when not coughing, this helps to build her lungs up over time. She does not do this and Sallys asthma continues to be a problem which would be hugely reduced if given her inhalors as advised by the doctors
- My ex regularly lets her have days off school for things such as a cough or sore throat
- My ex does not enforce any strict bed time, by the time she comes to mine on a Friday she is exhausted.
- My ex attitude towards school is very negative, and she has no problems projecting that on to Sally. Sally hates school - I didnt know 7 year olds could dislike school!!!
These are just a few, so you can get a feel for her upbringing at her mums.
So, she isnt neglected, she isnt underfed or abused, but its just not ideal. When Sally is at mine I treat her with respect, fair enough I have rules and sometimes I have to discipline to enforce these rules, but I'm fair, I'm consistent and I dont cut corners. Sally may also have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) (we are awaiting her assessment) and I know she wont receive all the help she'll need at home.
I am in no way saying I'm perfect, and I'm not saying the above reasons means she is a bad mother. Shes a fine mother, she looks out for Sally and does the minimum she needs to do to make sure shes ok. But I want more for her, I want a positive home life and encouragement with school life, I dont want her to have the negative outlook on life that she is starting to adopt.
Its worth saying that I would never stop her mum seeing her, I just want her to be with me Mon-Fri so I can ensure she has a good diet, a good sleep pattern and plenty of encouragement with school. Sally often asks if she can stay at ours instead of going back to her mums, and in the past shes even asked my current partner if she can be her 'new mummy'. We of course do not encourage this, we do not use Sally to play against my ex or play any such games; there is only one loser- the child.
Also - as far as I'm concerned, her mum can keep her benefits and keep the CSA I pay her even if Sally lived with me. I'm not interested in the money, we're comfortable and if it was to help my case, I'd have her with me and cover all costs including CSA etc etc.
Well, it was weird referring to my daughter as Sally throughout this post!
So, what are my chances of getting custody on these grounds? I imagine very little, but hey ho, anyone willing to give some good advice then it is very much appreciated - I will pursue any advice.
Hi and welcome
Courts are usually quite reluctant to change a child's residency without good reason, but nobody can predict what an individual judge would decide.
At age 7, your daughter may have her wishes and feelings listened to by Cafcass, but they're unlikely to hold much weight. It's not usually taken so much into account until 9/10 and up.
You would probably have a better shot at 50/50 shared residency but if there are issues in the maternal home that the daughter relays, you can never know what would happen.
I would certainly consider making the application and raising all the issues you have detailed here.
You would have to attempt mediation first and if the mother won't attend or won't agree - the mediator will stamp the form for you to apply.
Keep posting and we will do what we can to assist you.
Hello ChrisEnJayy,
I write, not to give you advice but to say that I can understand what you say. There are many similarities between your situation and my Son's although my Son does not see his children as often as you are able to do.
CaFCASS identified very quickly two differing types of parenting between my Son and his Ex Partner. We as a family feel our children/grandchildren miss out on many things which we would have liked to introduce them to but their Mother lacks enthusiasm for doing so and unfortunately her standards, values and principles differ greatly from ours as a family.
What can we do?
We cannot do anything as there are no safeguarding or welfare issues and the children are too young for their wishes to be taken into account by the court.
We can only hope when the children are older that they are able to express their true feelings regarding the different lives they lead with each parent and hopefully make a choice as to the one that is their preference to live with. Consolation to a degree but they are missing out on so much exploration at a young age which creates the foundation for character and personality to develop.
Like you we want more for our children/grandchildren and are able to provide, (not meaning in a materialistic sense) but the reality is, if there are no safeguarding or welfare issues and no amicable arrangement with the mother to consent to full custody, I believe, unfortunately, the situation will stay as it is.
Hi Both
I thank you for your replies.
I guess I'll continue to carry on trying to be a positive influence on my daughter and hopefully when shes old enough she still feels she wants to live with me and my partner.
I thought it would get easier as she got older. When she was a baby I found it so difficult because I couldnt have a conversation with my daughter to find out how she feels and ensure she was in a proper routine etc at her mothers. But its actually a lot harder! 7 Year olds are like sponges, they absorb absolutely everything and it pains me to watch her grow into a little girl who seems to have so many negative feelings towards things that should be positive, such as school, her own mother etc.
I'll update if anything changes!
Thanks all
Hi and welcome
Courts are usually quite reluctant to change a child's residency without good reason, but nobody can predict what an individual judge would decide.
At age 7, your daughter may have her wishes and feelings listened to by Cafcass, but they're unlikely to hold much weight. It's not usually taken so much into account until 9/10 and up.
You would probably have a better shot at 50/50 shared residency but if there are issues in the maternal home that the daughter relays, you can never know what would happen.
I would certainly consider making the application and raising all the issues you have detailed here.
You would have to attempt mediation first and if the mother won't attend or won't agree - the mediator will stamp the form for you to apply.
Keep posting and we will do what we can to assist you.
Thanks for this suggestion. I'm reluctant to go down any route as of yet without some solid comfort that I stand a good chance.
The reason for this is that I have it quite good now; I see Sally when I want and I have a great relationship with her. If I were to make any sort of formal attempt to take her away from her mum, and lost, I feel that would radically change and that would have a hugely negative impact on both me and my daughters lives.
If I felt Sally was in danger/neglected etc then of course, I'd take that risk. But as I've mentioned in my post; its not the case. I guess I have to wait till shes older and she can decide for her self
Wishing you good luck. You are best placed to know how best to proceed for your daughter.
Please keep posting and we will do what we can to support you.
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