Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi all,
My ex is leaving me and we are selling the house, she is dictating all of the future arrangements for our 8 year old and 3 year old girls, she hits the roof if I request anything different stating the usual ‘mother knows best’ and ‘your lucky I will allow overnight stays’ and ‘we will meet in court then’
All that has happened is over the last few years we have drifted apart and she blames me 100% for this.
What she is dictating to me is a Friday and Saturday night every fortnight and then 2-3 tea visits in the week, she states that it’s best that they have 1 base in the week due to school/nursery and keeping a routine. I feel that this is unfair and leaves me on the fringes of true parenting and keeping a strong bond with my girls, as dealing with issues through the night and getting ready for the day in the morning is all part of daily life..
My request was for possibly 3 nights every week, or the weekend to be 3 nights and to have them 2 nights during the week. I’m just so fearful of being replaced in the future by a new partner who gets to live with them 12 nights out of 14.
Do you all reckon I should be thankful for this proposal or should I seek mediation and then the courts? My friend who’s been through it reckons that the court would look to an equal arrangement as best as possible, and I will probably get what I would like or very near to it. I have no skeletons to hide and don’t drink etc. I’m self employed so can easily vary my hours to suite when I have the girls.
Any advice will be nice as I’m not sleeping or eating at the moment.
Kind regards,
Russel.
Hi there
I'm sorry you're having difficulty sleeping and eating right now, it's really important that you look after yourself, as separation puts immense strain on everyone, including the children, so it's important to keep your strength up. If you're not sleeping at night, catch up during the day and if you can face a proper meal then eat a little, often.
What she is offering is the basic schedule that a court might order, however it's not set in stone and the court will look at an individuals circumstances. As you are self employed, it might be that you had more time in the morning or afternoons that could fit around school for instance, or if the mother works and you did more of the day to day care.... that kind of thing.
There are no hard and fast rules, it depends a lot on the judge on the day, some are forward thinking and accept that Dads are much mor involved these days, some think as your ex does that "mother knows best". There's no way of predicting an outcome unfortunately.
Shared care is becoming more common, but mothers will often object to this as a matter of control, or for financial reasons... the amount of child maintenance is reduced for every overnight a child spends with the paying parent.
Court should always be a last resort, so mediation might help you to avoid that. I do think it's important to try and keep a civil relationship with the mother, if at all possible.
I would suggest that you go with what is offered right now, with a view to increasing it once the dust settles, be flexible and available to look after them, keep involved at school/nursery and try and keep lines of communication open with the mother, if she is nasty, try and avoid confrontation, just let it go and hopefully, if you don't bite, you can avoid the situation escalating... emotions are running high at the moment, that shouldn't last... but if it does, you have the option of court as a last resort.
All the best
Many thanks for your reply and advice. She wants the dogs as well, funny as she never walks them!
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.