[Solved] Moral and legal, help needed.

I know how you feel man it's absolute [censored] my ex struck me out of my daughters life from the second she told me she was pregnant so no scans nothing for 9 months she was due at the start of sept 2013 and she ended up 3 weeks late, while she was pregnant was nightmare then she I found out that my girl had been born 3 days after the birth over facebook, I went round that day and she called the police on me then it was 6 weeks before I seen her for the first time.

As has been said you can't really do anything until baby has been born I don't know what to suggest to be honest how long you going to be out of action with your back?

That's another thing, i don't even have the safety net of finding out via facebook or anything, i had access to all of their profiles etc but then after i spoke to them all last week, suddenly they've all changed it to friends only! I have no idea what lies she has possibly told all of her friends etc about me but i can't get anything from anyone.
Baby was due a week ago today, obviously i know there's the chance she hasn't arrived yet, but i'm not getting anything from anyone and not knowing that she's safe and healthy is a heart breaker and head f**k of the highest order.

The back situation isn't going to get any better and that just adds to everything.
The surgery i had didn't work and it's not looking like i'm even going to be able to go back to work, i'm having to take stupid painkillers (including morphine) just to function properly everyday at the moment. Believe me, so much time to think and torment yourself really isn't a good thing.

Good lord mate it must be horrendous I don't really know what to say but I know for sure this WILL all sort itself out sooner or later you just got to hang in there, I swear not been allowed to see your little one is worse than grief or a close member of the family dying, It did break me on a few occasions and my girl lived 1 mile away and I couldn't see her, even though the courts are over and I see my girl it's still only a few hours each week and I'm now on speaking terms with the ex I will never ever forgive or forget what she has done I still can't believe it but I know one day it will hit her like a tonne of bricks when karma gets her.

You got my full respect mate....you hung in and got the ultimate prize!
As it stands i can't see the light at the end of it yet and i'm a broken man. I've also got the problem that the law doesn't even seem to know what to do in this situation!

There is light at the end of the tunnel man trust me on that one, As for the law it sucks big time, don't lose hope, no one can second guess what will happen as things move in mysterious ways with he family courts and I wouldn't be surprised if things change once your daughter is born, you've got to keep your head together for the sake of your daughter she will thank you for it when she is older that's for certain and you will be able to hold your head high and know that you done you're very best for her.

I too thought there was no ending and I entered into that black hole of no hope and I did consider committing suicide on a few occasions, thank the lord for the samaritans and dadinfo thats all I can say.

Hi Hedge,

It's a poor situation you've found yourself in, and I'm sure the physical issues are not helping with things! Luckily you've already had some advice from Mr Slim, which is always a big help.

I, much the same as you and Slim, was in this situation with the eldest child. Found out she was pregnant - "might be yours, or one other guy" few weeks later she disappeared from the face of the earth... 6 weeks after the due date I got a text asking to meet up because "she looks alot like you..."
Made the mistake of marrying her, but that's a different story altogether! 😉

In this situation the key is to try and maintain some level of communication, however possible. Whether a letter, FB message, email, whatever. Let her know that you just want to make sure that she and baby are alright, that there are no problems,etc. Just knowing that would be a relief I'm sure!

From there, the focus should be on determining paternity and if positive sorting out your PR. From there it's alot easier to sort out contact.

One thing I would say though, is to try and remain calm and collected (I know it's difficult in the circumstances). Pregnancy can turn reasonable and rational women into totally different people - my current partner went bonkers through part of her pregnancy! When the hormones start to level out, she may be more amicable and approachable?

For now, like i said, I'd focus on maintaining contact, trying to gain some positive relations with the ex/her family, and gaining that entry point to your child.
More importantly, look after yourself, try to remain positive as much as you can, eat right and try to keep a routine... Worrying about this kind of stuff takes it out of you!

All the best,
BD.

Hi
I am a mum to a son going through all this to. they had been together 2 months when she was pregnant, its been [censored] ever since. My grandaughter is 4 months old today and I have not yet met her. My sons ex also accused him of abuse and had a non molestation order put on him. So he is not allowed to contact her or her family (be careful your ex doesnt go down the harrassment route). She also had a solicitor (free of charge - legal aid) and my son has had to pay for his.

There is light at the end of the tunnel you may feel desperate now, but as you have been advised, stay calm and try not to over think things. I would agree that writing a letter to your ex and also again to her mum to explain how you feel and ask if there is any news. I am disgusted that some women get away with this. There is no help out there for new dads, its all focussed on the women (which is not right). Until we found ourselves in this situation I would have always believed the woman and agreed that if the dad had been abusive etc he should be kept away. However, since my son has had to endure this for the last 4 months I can now see Dads side of things. Its appauling and I am not proud to be a woman when I hear some of the stuff they are allowed to get away with.

Keep going, be strong and you will get there eventually, if you can afford some legal advice, why not get a solicitors letter to her, she might realise then that you are serious about seeing you baby.

My son has kept going (with a few shoves from me, so as Mr Slim says lean on your family/friends), he now has access at contact centres (not ideal but better than nothing), he is back in court the week after next to fight to get the Non Molestation order removed (which he was not guilty of at all) and some written access to his daughter. My son is 23 and has had the support of his mates and family, without that he would have given up and not been part of his baby girls life. When he comes back from seeing her, he is a different person, he is so happy, and that is what you need to fight for.

Do as much research as you can, but and i may be speaking out of turn here, dont believe to much of what you read on fathers for Justice, they are very negative and let you believe this isnt possible. It is possible, you have to just be patient and methodical, do one bit a time and put all you have into that bit, then move on. It will take a while and you may miss out on a few months of your babys life, but they only eat, cry and [censored] for the first few months!.

Keep in contact with people on here, espeically Mr slim who can give you invaluable advise and support. Whenever i blogg and get replies I feel very positive about the future and you can learn some things on here you wouldnt get elsewhere because, we've all either been there or still there.

Keep fighting you can do it!

Hi Hedge,

I can see how frustrating this is for you from your messages. I would imagine that not knowing what is going on is making this even worse for you. It's great that you want to be involved in your daughters life.

When and how did you try to contact the mother?

I think Badgerdom hit the nail on the head when he suggested that you keep initial contact low key and try to find out what is going on through her mother (who it sounds like was sympathetic to your situation). Try not to go all guns blazing at the moment - give them a little time. You don't want to be perceived, by the family, as adding additional stress to a brand new mum.

I understand how difficult it must be, not knowing what has happened and how your daughter is - especially in your condition recovering from surgery. Add strong painkillers into the mix...... For the next week or so you really need to concentrate on getting yourself better.

Give her mum a little more time to respond to your initial contact, remember it must be hard for her because she would be going against the wishes of her daughter.

Keep doing the best for you to enable your recovery and keep talking.

Gooner.

First of all thankyou everyone for your replies, i really do appreciate it.

Not over thinking everything and trying to be positive is so hard to do, being stuck at home 24/7 i have no way to escape it all and i just end up tormenting myself even more.
Yes I've got friends family that i know are there for me, but i end up feeling like i'm p***ing them off which is not their fault in the slightest, it's mine because it's all i have going through my mind.

Contacting or keeping up any level of contact is pretty much impossible. I've written to her mother letting her know how much this means and how desperate i am for this not to be happening, and just to make sure she knew everyway possible to contact me.
I hate facebook but i was able to see their profiles until last week that is, when i messaged both of her parents on there asking just to be told everything was alright with the baby and since then they have changed it so that only "friends" can see anything. So now i don't even have the comfort zone of finding anything on there, i have messaged her mother again but still nothing from them.

I totally get the whole parents wanting to do as their daughter asks or not go behind her back thing, but to be totally ignored and blocked by all of them is just wrong on so many levels. I know there is the chance that baby isn't here yet, she was due 8 days ago, but to be told nothing or even a simple txt just to say all is fine or that she arrived safely, it's hard to take, really hard!

As i've already said, i've submitted the "declaration of parentage" application to the court, if the court even accepts it without all of the "required information" that is just prove parentage and get myself on the BC. As important as i know that is, it could take 8 weeks just to get a first hearing, and in the meantime i won't even know that the baby is safe and well, that there aren't any problems or even her name or when she was born.

All "legal" professionals keep telling me is that i need to have the full name and birth date before i can do anything, i have no way of finding out, so if it gets rejected by the court then i'm just left with a gaping hole and no way of getting the answers or being with my child! and all just because the mother doesn't want to tell me and wants the baby "to herself".

I don't even know what emotions to feel at the moment, i'm bouncing between anger and total heartbreak, to even feeling that i've let my baby down by not being there for her.

When I was in your position feeling like you do ( I still am if truth be known ) I wrote a letter to my unborn daughter every week and I've kept them so when she asks when she is older I can show her the letters so she knows I've always been there for her, it does help getting your feelings down and it gives you something to do.

Like you say you feel like you're a burden to your family I felt exactly the same especially with my mum but she kept saying it's ok it's ok she was fantastic it does feel like theres no escape it was on my mind 24/7 from the second I fell asleep then from the second I woke up it's absolutely horrendous like I said before I don't know how I got through it but posting on here really helped and it still does to this day a year later, it does help helping other people too there is always someone in a worst situation than you so make sure you keep posting as your posts really do help other poor dads and their families who are stopped from seeing there flesh and blood.

Try not to listen too much to these so called "professionals" they make the situation 10x worse, you CAN start court proceedings once your little one is born, someone can advise you better in this area but theres a form you can fill out at the court and they find out the childs address name ect and if she contests that she's not yours they will just order a DNA test to find out.

It's a tough one but you have no other option to be positive, giving up is not an option I'm afraid, there is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel I clung on to that for the whole of 2014 I had no one round me at all I have no family where I live the nearest are 100 miles away them my mum is 250 miles away I was constantly on the phone to my mum, like you said I didn't want to burden my friends either so I didn't really see them .

Even though I have a court order in place It still sends me round the twist that I am only allowed to see my daughter for 2 poxy hours a week its absolutely shocking, my ex is still being a [censored] I swear she's still full of postnatal depression and she has to have complete control over my daughter and uses her completely as a weapon it's so infuriating.

If it makes you feel any better in the week my daughter was born on the monday I started my new job ended up moving on the tuesday and couldnt move in so I slept in my van on wednesday I lost my brand new van keys and had to have the day off the new job whilst they got another set to me, on the thursday I woke up and found both my van and car tyres slashed so I had to have another day off work on the friday I got up for work put boiling water in my flash and the flash exploded in my face went to the hospital to get the glass out seen my ex's sister who told me my daughter was born 3 days earlier so on saturday I went to see her and my ex got me arrested I came back home and the guy who slashed my tyres punched me in the face and we had a tussle outside my flat........I can't believe my company took me on after my 3 month trial lol

So today i got a delivery from the family courts!

Obviously the application i submitted on Monday was taken quite seriously, the next day a judge made an order for a "Directions Appointment" with a "First Hearing" to be held on the 18th February.

Any ideas where i go from here, what i need to do, what to expect or even what happens? I havn't got a clue.

I don't know if there's any chance it will kick her up the [censored] to want to contact me now, or maybe she'll turn more twisted and go further into denial, i'm guessing i should stop trying to contact her or her family.

I know it's a huge step to get this so quickly from a court and in the grand scheme of things a month isn't very long to wait, but I've got it in my head now that it's another month at least that i don't even know my baby's name...so many emotions happening all at once.

BOOOM!!! This is fantastic news, you're now on the road to getting this situation sorted!

I so wish I had been quick off the mark like you have, your courts seem to be on the ball so I would capitalise on that for sure, this is great 🙂

This will show your ex and her family you mean business, you will start to feel better now as you are well on the road to being part of your daughters life.

This is a directions hearing in feb so the judge will direct in which way and whats going to happen in your case they may order interim contact so you get to see your girl, they may order cafcass reports to be done it's nothing to worry about as the ball is in your court now, I'll just dig out my guide to your first day in court 🙂