[Solved] mediation for childcare

Hi Jenny and welcome

I'll move this to the legal eagle at some point as it's more suited on there.

Mediation is required before he can apply to the courts for contact, so I assume that's what he's wanting to do - his solicitor will have advised him to that effect anyway, and I assume that he's after contact otherwise he wouldn't have gone to a solicitor in the first place - you don't have to agree to anything in mediation if you feel it would be a risk to your children - as a matter of interest where does his child from his previous relationship live now? Take a look at www.nfm.org.uk - that will give you an idea of what mediation is about,

If you haven't already done so, keep a dairy of everything that happens - you need to be careful about making accusations of drug dealing without some degree of evidence as the courts may feel that you are just slinging mud and that could go against you. Do you have any evidence of domestic abuse (was it ever reported to the police)? - if so, then you may well be entitled to legal aid if it goes to court. Also, have children's services ever been informed of any problems.

This is going to be a long process, so be prepared for the long haul. If he turns up at your house being abusive, then call the police - you should not have to live in fear in your own house, but I would also put it in writing to his solicitor that he should not call at your house without prior agreement through the solicitor.

Hi. Thank you so much for replying ive been going out me mind with all this. I have offered him contact hundreds of times through contact centres and family members to which he's declined. i understand it is important for my daughter to have him in her life but not the way he is now. Both my kids have been great since he's been completely cut out. I understand it cant be doing him any good either but i have tried literally everything. If i knew what his end result was hes wanting it would make a difference as to whether i go through mediation, if he wants her on his own there is no way am letting that happen i want him hair strand tested as he was living in a drug hostel and managed to pass his drug test by buying other peoples urine an passing it off as his own. His other kids live with their mum and dont want to see him because he is nasty, moody shouts falls asleep and doesnt wake up coz hes to out of it. He snorts while their in bed or watching telly he'll go into the toilet i was looking after them 4 days a week along with my 2. The difference is with his kids thy are 9 and 12 so they can be self sufficient to a certain level. The thought of him having our daughter on his own and doing all this when she's only just turned 2 makes me sick. i@m aware i cant just fling accusations about about his dealing coz there is no proof it was only on here i was saying. I have been in constant contact with my health visitors. SWACA the domestic violence organisation and the police have been called and he has been taken away. Childrens services have been called purely out of routine when they have followed it up they arent worried because of how i have handled it. Deep down he can be a good person and i dont want to deny access but i just cant trust him to have her on his own. There has been so many tried an failed attempts. plus i think its not about her anyway its just a way of getting to me and maybe to get his other kids back coz if we r back in his life then they will want to because we were so close and the only reason they wanted to go to their dads anyway was if i was there. Thanks again so much for your words. Hope you got your problems sorted

[censored] [censored] what a nightmare, is he on any other drugs besides the Coke and drink? They are 2 of the worst going I know as I was addicted to both and I turned into the biggest wanker known to man. He will have an unbelievable battle to get contact if he is still snorting that [censored] and Cafcass won't allow contact for sure.

It's almost certain the court won't grant any sort of contact until he does a 3-6 month hair strand test and they don't come cheap so it will be ages before he gets contact so you will have a bit of breathing space, as actd said make sure you keep all texts, record phone calls and phone the Police if you feel threatened as this will help you in court.

He will get to see his kids but he will have to knock the drugs on the head for sure and I and I bet you can't see that happening and even if he does it will be at a contact centre. The courts and cafcass will sure as [censored] pick up on wether he is genuinely wanting to see the kids or just have a go at getting to you they see it all the time thats why people like him give us a bad name.

If he's got any skeletons in his closet and any convictions they will all come out too it sounds like you are doing everything right so far theres not a lot else you can do he sounds like he's well addicted I can't see him giving it up it took me 18 months to get clean off the cocaine that [censored] proper screws you up the withdrawal symptoms are horrendous you need a huge pair of [censored] to get through it and the desire to actually give it up, All the way through I still smoked weed and drank to much and when I found out I was going to be a dad I decided to knock them both on the head for the sake of my daughter, I gave them both up before I started court proceedings to see my Girls as I knew it would get brought up, I've just done my 3rd drug test which they all come back negative thats after not seeing my 1 year old daughter for 10 months so you can see how serious the courts take drug taking.

Your ex sounds like mine and she is a full blown alcoholic who gets worse and worse she will never sort her [censored] out until she gets help and stops drinking I suspect your ex will need to do the same it's a shame as my ex is the nicest person going it's just her addictions that let her down.

Slim 🙂

It might be a good idea if you attend a families need fathers meeting in your local area they have meet ups all over the country, I attended one and there is femails who attend too one of them was in a similar situation as yourself so maybe give them a try.

Thank you for your help. I know he does whizz and believe hes smoked crack aswell as the normal coke and if theres any weed being passed about he'll smoke that too. Hes 42 surely he should have grown out of this by now especially when he's got 3 kids. Well done for stopping your problems when you found out you were having a baby you must be a lot stronger than he is. He says hes clean but i know for a fact he isnt but without the hair strand test i cant have hard proof but i got told that mediation doesnt sort out the drug tests thats just court. I think hes hoping ill crack under pressure and give in before it gets to that so he wont have to prove it. I know deep down underneath all the ale and lines an spliffs hes a decent person. how much do the drug tests cost and can you do more than one because i wouldnt trust him anytime he had her if he was clean once i can guarantee he wouldnt pass it twice coz he cant be without it. Its sad isn't it how it can strip the nicest people of any goodness. Do you think i should do mediation or just refuse it and go straight to court.

Request in court that he does tests for coke, speed and weed I only got tested for cannabis the court ordered a 3 months hair strand test so for 1 drug for 3 months cost me £220 I've just had my 3rd negative one back so all good, the courts are in the dark ages and they consider weed like heroin so they'll have a field day with that lot.

Theres no way you can blag the test a nurse comes to your home to get a sample they cut 3cm off your hair there and then take a piccy then send it off for analysis it takes about 3 weeks I know peeps on here who have been tested for various drugs and it can top £1000.

If you want to drag it out stick with mediation and it's not cheap he will have to fork out for it too it's anything from 100-150 a session.

The urine tests in his drug hostel he blagged he told me he bought peoples urine and thats how he passed. I know the hair strand tests are a lot more substantial. I think he gets legal aid for the mediation but anything above and beyond costs. All i know is im not putting my hand in my pocket for his faults even if it does mean my daughter goes without a dad for a while shes gone 2 years already with having him wasted but not anymore these last 6 months while hes been out of our lives have been great my eldest daughter is 6 and she was badly affected by him an his behaviour and of course i was so miserable it all has a knock on affect doesnt it and shes been great and better in school. I hope he sorts himself out for her sake and his own cant see him sticking to it tho. Thanks for your help

doesnt bother me how much hes got to pay 100 quid on this is better than 100 quid up his nose although it should be 100 quid in r daughters bank instead or in mine for feeding clothing housing her as he has given me naff all since she was born

I can empathise with your feelings - my ex stopped seeing my daughter because she said she could no longer afford the journey once a month - yet I know she used to smoke 40 a day (and she still bought cigarettes when she was seeing my daughter, so no reason to think she'd given up) and her alcohol addiction I estimated at around £250 - £300 per month,

Its [censored] isnt it and so frustrating especially when their trying to take some sort of moral high ground. Never paida penny towards her but can buy ciigies 200quids worth of coke and 70 quid a night on ale.... i mean how is that even possible and how is he still alive. But still i'm the selfish one apparently

Yep, in my ex's eye's it's still all my fault, but my children were resident with me and are perfectly aware of who put them first and who didn't. Ultimately, my ex's opinion is of no value or consequence to me - if she wishes to continue to dwell on it, then that's up to her. Me - I have a good life to lead and she isn't relevant to that 🙂