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Hi
Been divorced for over 1 year after a lot of problems in marriage and had two wonderful kids. Now engaged to a fantastic woman but inevitably there are issues with child contact.
A brief timeline
Jan 2014 – some contact allowed with kids at weekends and by arrangement as ex met someone new.
Feb – March – decent contact with days out with both ex and kids to try and keep things normal. Ex split up with her partner.
March – Met someone new… contact stopped. Left that person and contact resumed. Was not happy being on my own so went back to that person and contact stopped again.
April – May – intermittent contact throughout. Arguments at door any time I went to pick the boys up for a day out. Ex wife called police on a number of occasions, locked me in the house and refused to let me leave, attacked me on three occasions. I did not report this. She reported me. No visits or phone calls from the police. No cautions. No discussions. Nothing.
June – July – Ex met someone new (again) and contact resumed on a more formal basis.
August – Oct – Ex met another person so contact increased to overnight stays at weekends and extra days on alternate weeks. Agreed for kids to go on holiday with me and my partner.
Oct – Ex split up with partner. I got engaged. Contact was steady but arguments over email sometimes about ex wife wanting more time with kids at weekends. I heard rumours that she was thinking of moving 100 odd miles away. Challenged her over this. Received assurances this was not the case.
Nov – Contact continued with overnight stays etc but relationship with ex was at all time low as the rumours continued. Was told I was being paranoid etc. I wanted to obtain a Prohibitive Steps Order and suggested mediation as alternative. This was agreed.
End of Nov – Received email at work stating that ex had moved kids away to a location I wouldn’t be allowed to know. Not allowed to know new school details. Demanded £100 for school uniforms. I declined asking for receipts. Refused mediation.
Dec – allowed monitored phone contact. Not allowed to see kids over Christmas or my birthday. Phone contact very fraught as children obviously confused about what to say. Arranged an MIAM approx. 3 hours drive from where I live. Attended and ex seemed cooperative.
Jan 2015 – Not allowed to see son on his birthday. Refused school details time and time again. Ex contacted CSA despite receiving money every month on the button. Turns out she gets a significant amount less. Joint mediation session was arranged for the 20th Jan.
Mediation meeting 20th Jan – arrived and told it would be a “shuttle” meeting. This was because my ex did not feel safe in the room with me. I spent 15 minutes in total with the mediator in the 90minute meeting. Ex wifes fees all covered. I would have to pay for further meetings. Rather than move towards the future, as I thought the process was designed, it centred around my ex making demands about me no longer using steroids for competing in UK competitions, about restricting access to supervised contact centres and alleging violence, harassment and harm in the relationship.
I’ve decided to end mediation. I cannot sit in a shuttle meeting with things going backwards and forwards or paying the £120 for the next meeting only to spend the time I have literally explaining the science of a steroid to someone when the purpose of the meeting, for me, is to get to the end point of re-instating regular access.
I’ve never had an issue with caring for my kids and/or with violence. I know people might roll their eyes and be judgmental towards a “sted head” but the reality is simply not true. I wouldn’t subject myself to public scrutiny if I felt that I wasn’t able to defend myself.
Further to this, I am a Drug Harm Reduction Counsellor and currently awaiting registration as an Expert Court Witness so I’m fully aware of how the public and professionals view drugs in general and misconceptions about testosterone replacement therapies in both a therapeutic and sporting setting. I am NOT the average gym rat. I’m a trained athlete competing to a high level in the UK and I compete to try and provide a better life for my boys.
In any event, my ex wife did not have an issue with steroids when she was injecting me for 2 years (she is a Nurse) and did not have a problem for the past few months when my boys were allowed to stay with me overnight for weekends etc. My partner was even asked to look after the boys for a whole weekend when my ex wife went away with boyfriend. This is despite my ex wife hating my current partner and saying she doesn’t trust her.
The point I’m getting at is that if all of her allegations are true, and I’m indeed a danger to my kids, and my partner cannot be trusted, why did contact only stop when me and my partner got engaged and why was access allowed, unfettered, for the past few months without any clauses.
There has also been ZERO reports from my ex about any alleged violence/harassment etc for a number of months so there cannot be anything “new” which has led her to effectively snatch my boys away and keep me from knowing where they are or even what school they go to.
I tried to arrange a visit via a contact centre but my ex wife opposed my fiancée visiting so that broken down. My sons love my fiancée to bits and grew very close to her so this is hard on her and hard on them.
I filled out a C100 form. Feeling ready to post it.
Just need some sort of support with this, legal or moral, to try and get through it.
I'd say go ahead and post it - I can't see mediation working (in fact, if the mediation service has signed off the form, I presume they can't see it working either). What are her grounds for refusing to let you know the schools etc? My worry there is that she's working up to a DV allegation to get free legal aid.
I'd say go ahead and post it - I can't see mediation working (in fact, if the mediation service has signed off the form, I presume they can't see it working either). What are her grounds for refusing to let you know the schools etc? My worry there is that she's working up to a DV allegation to get free legal aid.
Hi
Yes I think this is perhaps the route she is looking at.
That being said, she has zero proof of anything other than making a few random complaints. The police felt it was a waste of time to even visit me as she was quite clearly hamming it up for them. Never been questioned. Never been taken in. Never been visited.
So on that basis, I'm going to trust in the fact finding hearing to bring any allegations to the fore and then simply challenge them rationally and calmly.
I should also mention, I refused to attend a supervised contact centre a few weeks ago as allegations, again, of harassment and steroid use were given as a reason for supervised visits. I asked the centre to renegotiate the terms. My ex refused so the centre stepped out.
I tried to reinstate it today agreeing to her terms but now she's refusing stating she needs legal advice before agreeing to anything. It's a [censored] nightmare.
I understand your frustration at supervised contact but I think you should have attended as she will use this against you.
The expectation of the court would be that you would take any contact offered I think.
I appreciate your knowledge of steriods but I suspect that this also will be used against you as a Judge probably not going to know the first thing about the use of them other than what he or she reads in the papers which is never good.
Hang on in there and stay strong. Take anything that is offered in terms of contact and be seen to be reasonable.
Good luck and keep us posted...Im interested to hear how you get on.
Regards,
Dave
I didn't flatly refuse... I just said to them and her I didn't want supervised contact. So the centre turned us down as we couldn't agree on terms.
I've now accepted those terms (it's only been a week or so since they turned us down) but ex is refusing to let me see them now.
I agree on the steroids issue. She wants me to take a blood tests etc. The thing is, I can pass a blood test any day of the week. Or a pee test. Lance Armstrong has still never failed a test for goodness sakes and he is perhaps the most high profile steroid user of his generation.
Anyway, besides the point. The issue, as you say, might be look on unfavourably by the Judge so I guess I just need to see what they say.
I'll keep everyone updated but the forms go off to the Mediators to sign today so fingers crossed this happens as quickly as poss.
Ok so I've completed the C100 and a C8 form too.
Sending it off today to the mediators so that they can sign it off so I can press on.
Pretty disappointed it's coming to this but in a strange way I'm mildly optimistic bearing in mind some of the stories some guys have been telling on here. I've not been in trouble with the police or had a drug addiction etc. Never been charged with and nor are there any issues with child protection yet it seems some guys have had some of those problems in the past, in varying degrees, and have managed to attain the kind of access agreement I am seeking.
Lots of hurdles to leap and no doubt my ex will throw the kitchen sink at me. I just hope the system puts my children's needs first rather than listen to the same tired [censored] I'm always hearing from my ex and her "legal advisor" (i.e. boyfriend).
Ok so everything has now been sorted so off to court I go.
Was supposed to see my kids on the 14th but the ex has now cancelled it (contact centre). Re-arranged for the 21st. Guess we'll see what happens now. Gutted not to see them. Only my positivity that this will all work out is keeping me going.
Sounds like court is the only option as she will not continue with mediation.
Good luck and keep us informed....do you have a court date yet?
Regards,
Dave
No date yet. Waiting to hear back from the Court. But papers have been filed.
Just in the process of putting together a Parenting Plan and a Position Statement. Also collating some evidence in anticipation of some likely allegations which I think I've already discussed.
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