[Solved] Mediation Advice Needed

You need to realise that mediation isn't court - they can't order that you agree to anything (or your ex, for that matter), it's to see if there is any agreement that can be reached to avoid the necessity of court. I would say you need to try for little and often at the moment bearing in mind his age, but increasing the amount of time you spend over time - what feels right is up to you to a large extent, and I would ask for more than you are prepared to settle for so that you can compromise and cut what you initially ask for to try to get to an agreement. You also need to try to work out an increasing timetable for the long term if you can so that you can avoid going back to mediation or going to court.

As a non smoker, I can see your ex's point of view regarding smoking and even though they won't smoke while your son is there, if they are heavy smokers, he may well come away smelling of smoke from being on the furniture - I can certainly smell smoke on my non-smoking daughter when she's been out with smoking friends for even a short while.

As a dog owner, I wouldn't leave a child alone with my dogs (even though they are getting on and are very friendly) but I would certainly argue that it's actually good for children to get used to pets (unless there's an allergy) - my 20 something nephew wasn't and is now won't go near dogs in any circumstances, which I think limits where he can comfortably go.

Thanks for your response actd.

I do understand mediation isn't court, I've spent 9 months painfully reading up about these.

I think my post was more about not wanting to under sell myself. Many preach, like yourself, about little & often. Others seem to have a full weekend with a two year old, managing perfectly capably. The frustration comes from my time decreasing, not increasing (from approx. 9 hours a week Aug until Jan to 6 hours a week Jan until present... with no room for negotiation).

And maybe I should've gone into more detail. I'm a non smoker myself who has never allowed smoking in my childs care, with or without my ex. My parents are heavy smokers who predominantly smoke in 1 room in the house. My ex knows this. The issue I believe is a trust, control, anxiety issue on her part. We visited my parents house every weekend whilst we were a couple. I've now not visited since August & I believe that it is perfectly reasonable, and good for my boy to visit his grandparents home. It really is a basic request. They also have 4 other young grandchildren who call.

In regards to dogs I am of the same opinion as yourself. I wouldn't leave a toddler alone with any dog. Again this seems to be the trust, control, anxiety issue again. I've made reassurances to remove the dog from the property as explained on my initial post.

Nevertheless, thanks for your response & opinions.

Hi there

As you quite rightly point out, there are many Dads that have full weekend contact with their toddlers. It would be sensible to prepare a schedule of increasing contact to take with you to mediation, or better still a couple of blank CAFCASS parenting plans that you can work on, either at mediation, or separately, ready for the next session. You'll find more information and templates of the parenting plan in the stickys at the top of the legal eagle section.

If you are unable to reach agreement, the mediator will sign off the form to enable you to,make an application to court.

Iif the mother is concerned about "routine" it would make better sense for you to have a full day and night so that you can keep to the "routine"rather than disrupt it be limiting contact. Besides it's important to have quality time with your child to cement the bond you already have.... full contact with both parents is the child's right.

Perhaps a starting point would be a return to a full day for a month, then a full day and night for another month and if all Is well and your son is settled, increase it from Saturday morning until Sunday teatime, another month or so and introduce a Friday overnight too not forgetting a weekly contact. At this point courts would generally make the Friday-Sunday weekends alternate, to ensure that both parents got quality time with their child.

Holiday time might consist of a week or two in the summer, extra at Easter, shared Christmas and birthdays and Father's Day. Once in main stream school, it's not unusual to get a 50/50 share of holidays if work commitments permit. As actd said, if you ask for more than you would be ok with, it gives you some room to compromise without giving too much away.

All the best

Thanks Mojo. That's a real big help.

Hi SadDad1,

I'm assuming that you have your own place?... as you said you are visiting your parents. If you do then there should be no issues with your child spending time at your place as opposed to the issues at your parents, maybe your parents could visit you initially whilst you get all this sorted?, ultimately what you do and who you see whilst your child is in your care is up to you as long as its safe..... which you have clearly thought through. Its important that you maintain relationships and that your child grows up knowing and spending time with your family the same as would be the case of your ex, so don't sell yourself or your future relationship with your child short.

In my opinion a bare minimum starting place would be to return to the arrangement you had before asap as this was working for you..... bottom line if she is going to put blockers in place to restrict time spent together then there is not a lot you can do but go through the motions of Mediation and then court..... though there definitely should be some kind of progressive plan that allows you and your child to develop a more meaningful relationship as they grow, and this should include overnights.... it really comes down to what you feel is right for you and at what point in your lives.....

If your child is not being breast fed then personally i would be looking to have them stay overnight straight away..... again what you are comfortable with and able to undertake.... what would you need to get ready to be able to have your child overnight?.

A starting point for negotiation is knowing that your ex will say no..... make sure that the mediator knows before hand what your perfect scenario is and what you are not going to accept along with time frames e.g perfect scenario maybe overnight every week from now on, unacceptable would be having to wait until your child is 2 before having overnights.... that leaves room for the mediator to then provide a compromise of say..... overnights every Saturday from 18 months old moving to Fri/Sat overnights from 24 moths old, etc. hopefully you'll be able to build on it from there, it helps if you have a plan ready for your individual MIAM along with a filled out parenting plan.....

Working through Cafcass parenting plan is a very good place to start and gives you lots of points to think about.... working out a plan that works for you and your vision of the future relationship as your child grows, this is what you hope to settle on...... so..... your starting point for mediation would be asking for more with a view to then relenting and settling for less..... but still ending up with a scenario that ultimately you are both then happy(ish) to be moving forward with.

Hi There,
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I think that in mediation, you should be asking for over nights, if not straight away, but an increase until they are achieved.
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As actd has said ask for more than you are looking for so that you can compromise and drop the level back to an acceptable level in the end.
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I know that smoking can still leave issues on clothes ect, but if you maybe say that your folks will visit you rather than you visit them again even if that is just to start with and then later it moves to thier place.
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GTTS

Thanks guys. Lots of food for thought.