Hi there

I could do with some advice, please.

I'm married 12+ years to a foreign-national wife who I love, we have two wonderful boys.  Our life has had more than its fair share of complexity and difficulty, but we've steered through it.

I mention that my wife is a foreign national only in the context (a) she has no family support in UK, and (b) she is currently on settled status due to our marriage and our sons' British citizenship - she remains a citizen of her own country.  It's relevant because we can't just separate locally and find a solution to mutual support and childcare responsibilities.

We have had a difficult year.  I messed up our wedding anniversary last year through by (in hindsight) getting my priorities wrong between work and home, standing my wife up for our arranged celebrations, and she was distraught.  She reached for someone to talk to, and this has progressed through the year into an affair (for which I have ample proof).

I have challenged my wife on this, and she was angry and threw all the blame at my door for letting it happen through my own inattentiveness and behaviours over not just one but all 12 years of our marriage (much of which was merited, but I was blind to it).

I asked whether we had a chance to put things right.  She said we have, but would need professional (counselling) help, which I have arranged.  She says that she needs help to chase the negative emotions away.  I also told her she had to stop what was going on with the other man, which she said wasn't an issue (and has since repeated this every time asked).

From my side, I recognised that I needed to change too.  I've invested a lot over the last 3-4 months moving us into a new house, changing my job, getting her a new car and phone, buying gifts and flowers, being complimentary at every opportunity, and trying to be the very best version of myself.  We are living together very amicably, but from her side without any expressions of love or agreement to anything intimate.  I do love her very much, and truly want us to get through this. 

We both agree trust is the issue now - she doesn't trust that I can change my behaviours, and I cannot trust that she really wants to give it another chance as I don't get affection from her.  In fact, when we do disagree, she finds it easy to tell me that she doesn't love me.

Today I have found confirmation that she is still speaking to the other man (who is in another EU country, but not her own).

I am close to deciding that we cannot continue our marriage, as it feels like the trust relationship has totally disappeared.  I can't see beyond her lack of love/intimacy being because she has affections for the other guy, even though she explains it to me as being about fear of being hurt again.  If I felt that I had her warmth, I would find it much easier to trust her.  I am becoming paranoid, and I find myself checking her every move and activity, when she's online, etc etc - something I've never done before, and I hate it.

I don't really know how to proceed.  I can't afford to leave the house and live elsewhere, as I need to be local for my job but have no local friends or family.  If I ask her to leave, she will likely refuse - and I don't know whether I can demand she leaves.  If returning to her home country were an option, or even going to be with the other man, she would likely want to take the children which I can't accept (I have put their passports in a safe place).  If she didn't take the children, I don't know how I'd manage to combine my work requirements with being a single Dad.

Of course what to do has to be my own decision, but I would truly appreciate someone offering some guidance on what my rights are through the process of splitting up, and perhaps the guidance of someone who has dealt with similar experiences and circumstances.

Thank you