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After what's been a terrible year of alienation, false allegations, and more, my son requested to speak to the judge.
When I asked him why he wanted to do this, he said he wanted to tell the judge he wanted to spend more time with me. I was taken a-back by this and he is usually quiet neutral.
Neither mum or I knew about when judge would speak to my son. I only see him 4 days a month, she has him the majority of the time.
We got the summary of the session today and my son has said he is scared of me, that I told him what to say, and that he doesn't want to spend more time with me.
I'm completely at a loss. I never told my son what to say, as I know the ramifications of this.
I feel betrayed by my son, when he comes round he is so affectionate, happy and we have such a laugh.Then he turns around and says things he is scared of me and doesn't want to spend more time with me.
There's a history of alienation from mum but I wish my son would push through it.
Why is he saying this?
I am at a loss on what to do. I'm buying a house in the area to be closer so hopefully he spends more time with us, I'm trying everything I can but I feel like I'm constantly losing.
Hi,
This could be a situation where child has divided loyalties. It could be manipulation from the mother, or the child is afraid and doesn't want to upset his mother.
This could be useful:
https://click.clickrelationships.org/content/all-issues/childrens-loyalty-issues-after-separation/
@bill337 But how am I meant to deal with it?
If this is what he thinks and is willing to say, then I'm not sure what more I can do.
Alienation has successfully worked.
Stay strong and don't take it personally, remember he's a confused child and can easily be manipulated. We have to remember that children are simply not on our adult wavelength and when they spend the majority of the time with one parent who's only desire is to get at you then this happens. You name it, my ex did it and you will be surprised how banning children from their favorite games, mobiles, tv shows, friends etc has a direct effect on them.
What you do is be dad...stay strong, be there for him, show love and affection irrespective of the circumstances. Remind him every time you see him that you love him and that things will get better. Show interest in the things he likes, if he likes gaming, be a cool dad and take him on. Football, basketball or anything that you can both do together as quality time. Try and focus on child fun things only and not the courts or adult issues so that his time with you is enjoyable. Most importantly have fun and don't give up! Create memories that he won't forget.
Hello. Just out of curiosity how old is your son roughly? Do you have other children, related or otherwise, in the house which he visits which could make him feel pushed out etc? Without knowing situation fully, it sounds like it probably is due to a controlling mother who is paranoid he will favour time spent with you as he grows up, so she's taking action to alienate you now.
You don't know what the circumstances are between him and his mother to have led to this situation - she could have guilt tripped him to make this statement and he may have felt like he had no choice to say what he did.
Maybe try not to have any animosity towards him or to bring it up with him when you do see him. If there is anything that can do to put him more at ease with you, then great. Otherwise, guess you should continue to give him attention and enjoy time with him - he may not appreciate it now, but as he gets older he'll see that it was a ploy from his mum and realise the truth. Just don't give him any reason to think otherwise!
Good luck and stay strong.
It’s possible your son is feeling pressured or confused, especially with the history of alienation. It might help to talk to a family therapist who can guide both you and your son through these complex feelings. Try to maintain open lines of communication with him, letting him know he can express anything without fear. Focus on creating positive experiences when he’s with you to strengthen your bond. Also, consider documenting your visits and interactions to show your commitment and involvement as a dad. Keeping consistent and patient while he navigates these emotions is key.
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