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I split with my wife a year ago and although it has been a very tough year I have finally managed to move on and have recently purchased a property and have started to feel good about myself. However, I received a letter from my wife's solicitor yesterday stating that due to our 4 year old daughter not appearing settled when she is with her mother, she wants to reduce my access with immediate effect. I currently have my daughter every other weekend and two nights per week on week one with one night being an overnight, and one night on week two which is an overnight. My wife agreed this contact initially on condition that I signed the house over to her which I did. I am extremely upset that she wants to cut my access and don't know where to turn. I cannot afford a solicitor.
My daughter was unsettled initially but that is to be expected. It didn't help that the day I moved out of our family home my wife arrived with her new boyfriend (her boss), and my daughter in tow. She then practically moved her boyfriend in and his daughter would frequently stay over, sharing my daughters bedroom. Her new partner started dictating rules to me about what I should and shouldn't be doing and basically made my life [censored]. They split up after 6 months and things seemed to get better but now he is back on the scene and I receive this letter. I have set up a lovely home for my daughter with her own bedroom and she is always happy when she is with me, in fact she often doesn't want to go home.
Trying to reason with my ex is just not an option so I really want the courts to decide what access I should have. She has cut me down to every other weekend and one night per week for 2 hours. This is not enough for me as my daughter is all that I have.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you
Hi Andy and welcome 🙂
I'm sorry to hear you are having problems, but you've come to the right place to get some good advice and support.
You actually dont need a solicitor to apply to the courts for a defined contact order, there are quite a few Dads on here that are self representing. You will find a couple of stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, the first is called "Contact Order C100 Guide". This is all about the form you will need to fill in and submit to the court, it costs £200. The second is " A Guide to Representing yourself in Court", this has lots of useful information about the court process.
It is advisable to start a Diary and keep a record of everything involving your child, keep all txts and emails and try not to contact the ex by telephone as there is no record of what was said. If thats not possible, then you can either record the conversations or make a transcipt of them as soon as possible afterwards. When you have contact visits with your child log dates and times, make a record of the things you do together such as trips and activities, and include photos of her enjoying her visits with you. In fact record absolutely everything! This will be a useful resource when you get to court.
I know what you say about not being able to reason with her, and it not being an option, but the judge will expect you to have attempted mediation before asking the court to intervene, so I have included a link to the mediation service. There is a charge for this, but it seems to vary from area to area. If it hasnt been tried the judge is likely to order that it be undertaken, which will only slow things down for you. If you invite her to mediation and she refuses, then it will go in your favour as you have made efforts to resolve the issues.
www.nfm.org.uk
Good luck with everything and do keep us posted 🙂
Nannyjane
Thank you so much for the reply and the advice. I have been looking through this site and am so impressed with the wealth of knowledge. I think this is really going to help.
HI Andy,
Sorry to hear about all this.
It doesn't sound as though there is an order in place? I self represent (and as yet remain undefeated!) and when I started, solicitor's letters were terrifying to receive. After a while they lose their terror - a lot of what they seem to be about is intimidating you into submission. (They do this using 'legal speak', advising you of the likelihood of their success, and making you feel bad for being unreasonable.)
However, if there is no court order in place - there is no reason why the mother should be dictating contact.
In my case, I pleaded for months and in the end, ignored the mother. I just took the kids for several nights a week - which was easy because it was what they wanted. By the time it went to court, an unofficial routine had developed - and once you have routine it is easy to defend it in court.
Yes - mediation is the way forward - and I think the price depends on your income. (An alternative that may be worth trying, is finding a mutual friend or acquaintance who might mediate for you - just to make sure the conversation is reasonable. I know a vicar who will do that for a bottle of wine! In my case the mother backed out at the last minute, but it might just work - and if it doesn't, you can show the court that you have made every effort to communicate well.)
Good luck with it all!
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