Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi everyone,
Looking for some advice/opinions.
Since our court case ended with cafcass validating my husbands ex's alienating behaviour, things have really escalated. It seems the children are truly under her thrawl and have sent some pretty harsh emails. It feels very much like we may be getting to the point where the very little contact that have currently, is going to be stopped completely.
We are trying desperately to think of ways to combat the alienation.
I know it "blaming" the other parent to the children is a big no, no but we are at a loss. My husband is considering writing a letter to the children, explaining how much he loves them and how he has tried to be in their lives but stopped at every opportunity - but not mention the mother. Would this be entirely wrong of him? At this point we feel we have nothing to loose. He would give the letter at his next contact (if it happens).
There is no safeguarding and contact is unsupervised. Children are 8 and 10.
Thoughts???
🙁
Has he thought about recording a video to convey his message rather than letters? 8/10 year olds arent really into letters - that is if they are even passed on.
Hi there
Whilst I understand how difficult it must be for your husband, I would stop short of stating that he has been stopped from being in their lives at every opportunity... telling them that he loves them and really just wants to be their dad is probably as far as he should take it in my opinion.
Letting them know that his love is unconditional and he will always be there for them, whatever happens.
If you have a contact order and it is being breached, I would advise that you take action before it gets any worse. It's tough I know and the stress of fighting it through court is immense.
All the best
I have to agree with MOJO with how you word things. Anything that sounds like you are blaming the mother is likely to have a negative effect on the children if they are already aligning themselves with their mother.
I’ve recently had to write a letter to my child to apologise for something i haven’t done deliberately that my child has been alienated to believe that i have.
The things in question were for me was trying to get my child to eat his dinner and to stay over, on these occasions I’ve tried to encourage (child) to eat up by way of resorting to bribery for example saying things like … if you eat up most of your dinner you can have a nice desert or play on the games console or similar things. According to my ex to my child this is me bullying (child) therefore not caring about their feelings!
Of course nothing could be further from the truth and (child) believes mother over me therefore i am now also a liar as well as a bully according to child’s mother!
She neglects to tell our child that she had given me strict instructions to have (child) fed by a certain time or with certain foods and not to feed (child) too many sweets or let them play on games console for too long.
No….all she says to (child) is that i am a bully and lying to them and that’s not what she does!
CAFCASS and a Psychologist have both said that what i have tried to do is do what “most” parents would in the same situation and that the mother has undermined me by not telling (child) that she had told me what and when to feed etc…
Same goes for the overnights issue, her undermining me at every opportunity.
However, what they both said is that I have to apologise to (Child) for these things in a way that is not seen by (child) as me blaming their mother. Extremely difficult to do when i have so much evidence and proof of their mother lying and controlling.
I’ve ended up having to say things like, i’m sorry if you felt i have upset you but that was never my intention and that i was simply trying to encourage you to eat up or sleep over etc...etc.
I wanted to put that she had been stopping me from seeing them but the CAFCASS officer suggested not to do that as it would push (child) further away.
Instead i’ve had to put that everything i’ve done since leaving their mother was to be the best father i could for them and that yes i left their mother but never left them!
Difficult very difficult to hold back from telling the truth about their mother but they will find out one day when old enough to process and deal with it.
Good luck.
You’re strength of character and staying power is an absolute credit to you Dad-i-d.
Stay strong mate.