Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Afternoon
I am after some legal advice regarding my son and his mother.
My son is 5yrs old, and in Jan 2014 i split with my ex. A few months after we split, she moved to Baingstoke which is exactly 100 miles from me in Coventry.
She moved because that's where her parents lived. I always expected she would so this if we split, and she did.
The split was amicable and mutual, and for the sake of our son we've always maintained a peaceful friendly relationship.
Even last summer i took them both on holiday, and until recently i still invited her to family parties etc.
I have always paid her maintainance, it was always £40 a week until the beginning of this year when i lost my job and had to start a low paid job, so i carried on payments but £30 instead.
She had friends up here so was always happy to travel up with him every few weeks, and i would happily travel down to see him when i could afford to. The travel or distance was never an issue, but the petrol costs.
But as this year has gone on her attitude has started to change.
She frequently asks for money for various reasons, an extra £30-£40 here or there for "school stuff" or "after school classes". 9 times out of ten i gave her what i could, bearing in mind she earns more than me. If i say i can't afford to give her anymore money i always get abuse back, saying how i'm a useless father and they're better off away. I have always maintained that if i could afford to give it i would.
She is now also refusing to travel up here, meaning if i want to see him i have to travel down now so for a normal weekend that's 4x100 mile journeys, 8hrs travel time and £80 in fuel. I've always tried to see him twice a month, but now i'm having to do all the travel myself it's becoming financially impossible for me to do so. Is it a legal requirement, as she moved away, for her to share the travel?
I am also now having difficulty gaining access at weekends and holidays. Example, if one of his school friends has a birthday party at the weekend, i'm not allowed to have him that weekend, instead i can come down for the day on the sunday. He starts football training on a saturday morning soon,meaning she won't let me have him for the weekend, and i've been told "what am i going to do about that, as he's not missing out on that" and i frequently get told "his life is down here, i have to fit around that". And while i agree i don't want him to miss out on things like this, the weekends are the only time i get to see him due to work.
I want to avoid the courts, as the main reason being i can't afford them, but i feel it's my only option now as i know she is pushing for a reaction from me by being difficult as possible, i regularly get txts from her saying what a useless dad i am, but i don't react. I just do what's best for my boy.
I love my son to bits and want to see him as much as possible, i am a good Dad, and he loves spending time with me and my family here. So while she is trying to make my life as difficult as possible for whatever reason, it's him that's losing out.
What, if any legal rights do i have regarding sharing the travel, and access.
My story is pretty different to you but similar in other ways. I'm in the military and got posted 510 miles away from my kids. I managed to see them every 2 weeks which at the start nearly broke me financially and i was exhausted but i found cheaper ways to travel etc. They now live 110 miles from me and i get the train now, it means we have quality time on the train too instead of sitting in traffic. Just a thought, with rail cards etc it can be pretty cheap.
Obviously i don't know your situation at all but as you said you're in a low paid job, have you thought about maybe moving closer to the kids? you never know there may be a higher paid job thats closer to the kids? Win Win. I understand that may not be a realistic objective though.
As for access you do have rights but as far as the travel goes i'm 99% sure you don't. sorry.
Best of luck to you though and hope you sort something.
Hi there
Travel and the costs are a grey area I'm afraid. Not allowing contact is not however.
At this stage you have a few choices;
If you are paying via CMS or CSA, you can ask them about variations for travel costs, you might be able to reduce the amount of maintenance you pay to factor in the travel costs although if your ex is already being difficult, this may not assist matters.
You could write to your ex in a formal way to ask the contact is reinstated as before.
You can try attending mediation, Legal Aid is still available for this, you can check if you qualify here;
https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid
National Family Mediation will be able to tell you where their locations are;
Attempting mediation is mandatory before making a court application, if your ex refused to attend or you attend and cannot agree the mediator will stamp a C100 Child Arrangement Order application form for you.
The court fee is £215 for the entire proceedings and you can look at form E160a to check if you qualify for any reduction in this fee.
Court isn't easy but it's sometimes unavoidable, you can self rep, it's not as daunting as it seems, many of our Dads do and you will get all the support you need on here if you want it. Have a look through the stickies at the top of the Legal Eagle section for advice on doing this.
The travel / costs and contact will be decided by a judge after you have both explained your positions, Its becoming more common for courts to order both parties to share travel these days.
All children have clubs and events to attend but these are not more important than contact with their parents and the courts understand this. It's quite common for parents to have written in their court orders that if the child cannot make contact due to a special occasion that alternate dates are arranged around this.
If you continue to feel that court will become your only way forward, try to keep any communication with your ex in a written format so you have a record of conversations should you need to provide evidence at a later date.
You can contact your local CAB for a list of solicitors who provide free 30 minute consultations. It might be worth ringing round a few.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.