[Solved] JUST BROKEN AND DEVASTATED !

Hi Mark,
Sorry you're having a bad time. It's early days yet and of course things might get better. Lots of couples have temporary glitches and find they prefer being together more than apart. From experience I know that the person on the receving end can (quite naturally) be depressed and appear desperate. It's a side of you that isn't attractive and if you're trying to fix your relationship isn't going to make your ex feel inclined to want things back the way they were. If your ex is hanging out with other women in similar situations, it's going to make things a bit harder. It's something that they're likely to talk about (you know what they're like) and they all now have something in common.

I think what I'm trying to say is try to put your best self forward, to be the person that she wants to be with, wanted to be with when you got together. Whatever your qualities were when you got together, whether it's confidence or sense of humour or being a nice caring guy, that's the side of you she's most likely going to want to be with. Hope I'm making sense.

You're doing the right thing by being strong for your kids. They're going to be upset and possibly angry and go through a whole host of emotions. You have to be strong, for their sake if not your own. You might not be able to change things if your ex has made up her mind and you have to be prepared to deal with that. It's hard - a lot of people on this site have been through separation and seen the ugly side of things. We're here to help if you need advice or just need to vent your feelings. The people here range from those who have been through the mill to some with expert advice.

I hope things work out for you.

Hi There,
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I can understand the way you feel and it must have come as a shock, I guess her connecting with her old friends has made her think that what they have is better, maybe its the old case of the grass is greener.
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If she is not willing to try and sort things out and wouldn't attend counselling or similar, then I guess you are a little stuck, all you can do is stay strong and be there for your children.
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We can help and advise you through this and give you somewhere to come and talk and ask advice, or just sound off when things are getting tough.
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GTTS

Sorry to break this to you, but. If she has made her mind up, the chances are she has been planning this for a while. When I left my wife, it came as a total shock to her, even though I'd decided nearly a year earlier that we were done and started planning my exit, after several years of trying to make it work.

By all means try counselling etc, but be aware you also need to move to protect your position asap. Seek legal advice, research info on forums etc. Start to think about what you want, post divorce and manoeuvre yourself in position early. Don't make concessions now just to keep the peace, you'll regret them later. Even if you can work it out amicably in the end, people usually behave pretty shittily during the divorce process itself.

Hi there

Have you thought about keeping the kids with you in the marital home? If she wants to leave why should the children be dragged into it, especially as you are taking retirement quite soon. It would mean the least disruption for the kids and might just make her think more carefully about the consequences of her actions....just a thought.

Best of luck

She has planned this

Thanks and I did bring this up but she told me I was in for a long fight if I tried to keep the kids with me !
They don't need that so have to suck it up just now

Hi Mark

I see the removal from their family home and possibly their school/friends as much more disruptive to be honest. They are going to be hurt and confused when she leaves, so whatever happens the impact of your separation is going to effect them. That said, kids are much more resilient than we give them credit for and much more able to cope when they are kept in the loop, age appropriately of course.

You could apply to the court for an urgent Prohibited Steps Order to prevent them being removed, at least until the court can look at what would be in their best interests. Keeping them in the family home, at least until all the facts of the move, new school etc can be looked at first, isn't asking too much...Their wishes and feelings would be a part of it also.

As you are taking retirement, you can provide them with continuity of care, whereas their mother may need to work to provide for them.

Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation, it might be useful to get some legal advice about your situation, especially if you have a joint not mortgage and are expecting a pension settlement.

All the best

Thanks and I did bring this up but she told me I was in for a long fight if I tried to keep the kids with me !
They don't need that so have to suck it up just now

She is trying to scare you. It will be a big, long fight whatever you choose. Go see a solicitor and please don't take any definitive action until you have.

I agree with marwood, get some legal advice before you make any decisions.

Sorry to say this mate but if she says your in for a long fight then your version of 'manning up' means very different things to you and me, the bottom line is that there seems to be a sense of entitlement from your soon to be ex and the fact that she is unwilling to compromise with regards the kids along with the fact that she has had lots of time to think about this means that she will most likely try to use the kids and the kids time with you as collateral in the future.... if you let her do this now things will be far worse for your kids!. If you want to 'man up' then go out and read/research about the effects of separation and divorce on kids and what all the experts say on these matters quick then make your choice..... do not do it blindly.

sorry for coming on strong but your ex has had lots of time to think about this, get advice from her 'divorced friends' so she is already far ahead of you in terms of planning things out and has done so with out any of your input as to what will be the best for your family, i would hesitantly suggest that reasoning with her may be a bit of a mute point if you plan on 'changing her plans'. People become very defensive in these situations.... its only natural, please take the hint that she hasen't included you in these discussion/plans