Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I split from my ex partner in February of this year. We both entered into a mutually agreed shared residence arrangement regarding our 2 yr old son. We ensured that we gave each other enough space to get on with our own lives, whilst also putting the wellbeing of our son first. My ex wanted to me to agree that we would never introduce our son to anyone we were seeing until we felt that the new relationship was serious enough to warrant it. I also promised her that when the time came I would let her know, so she didn’t have to find out through a random remark from a toddler.
Everything was really quite amicable until the end of May. I suspected that my ex was seeing someone and told her that I was OK with it, but would prefer if we stuck to our agreement about not introducing our son to other people prematurely. Given that this was something that she had asked for, I didn’t think it would be a problem. She became extremely defensive and although she told me she hadn’t introduced our son to this man, it was clear to me that she had. I asked her what kind of contact he’d had and she just kept changing the subject. All I wanted to hear was that the contact had been limited, but she then started saying that our relationship had actually ended in December of last year, rather than February of this and that I “should get over itâ€. I didn’t want to start an argument, so I collected my son for the night and left.
I have to be honest. From that moment on my mind began to cartwheel. My main concern was that our son was climbing into her bed in the night and sleeping next to a half naked stranger.
For the next couple of pickups and drop offs I barely spoke to her, because I didn’t want to start an argument. This only served to put off the inevitable. At the final drop off of the week, which fell on a Friday on this particular week, we had a flash argument, which was quite heated and we both said some horrible things to one another. It ended with me saying, out of anger, that I was taking her to court for full residency because she was irresponsible. I was angry for a few hours, but thought it best to leave things to cool down until I was next due to pick my son up.
Later that day, about 8 hours after our argument, two police officers knocked on my door and arrested me for disorderly conduct, common assault and, worst of all, sexual assault. I was handcuffed, then marched to a police car in front of some of my neighbours and placed in a cell for nearly seven hours before being interviewed. I’m not sure how long the interview lasted, but the interviewing officer was a particularly nasty piece of work. She read out a statement that she claimed my ex had written (although it wasn’t her handwriting) and what I heard seemed to be the synopsis of the Julia Roberts film, Sleeping with the Enemy. I denied everything (including an accusation that I had arranged to have my son aborted!!!!!!) and gave an account of what had actually happened that morning. I was placed back into the cell for about 15 minutes until the interviewing officer opened the door and told me to come out. She escorted me to the duty desk without saying a word, I was handed my belongings and then, glaring at me, she told me that I could go home. If looks could kill I’d have dropped dead there and then.
I called the duty solicitor after the weekend to find out what was happening and his secretary told me that the police weren’t pressing charges and that she would write to confirm this. I asked whether I could speak to someone in family law and was told that until my ex refused contact there wasn’t anything they, or a court, could do. She recommended that I wait for written confirmation that no charges were being brought against me before contacting my ex. It was a further 7 days before this confirmation arrived.
I was completely lost during this period. I couldn’t believe I’d been arrested, nor could I believe the contents of the statement that my ex had made. I couldn’t understand any of it.
Then I got a call off my friend who told me to take a look at my ex’s Facebook profile. I couldn’t actually do this as I had blocked her. I was then told that my ex was pregnant and from the due date she had given on her profile, I worked out that she’d managed to conceive about 3 ½ weeks after leaving. I found this particularly ironic, as one of the reasons we had split was because I wouldn’t commit to having another child until the economy improved (I have my own company, but we hadn’t been doing very well and is not trading at the moment). I suspect that the father is someone she started to see before we split up.
I wrote her a strongly worded, but non threatening email, denying all the accusations that she had made and asking to resume contact with our son. Whilst I didn’t use threatening language I have to admit that I was quite sarcastic about her pregnancy and told her that she had an irresponsible attitude towards birth control. I sent the email and then sent her an equally sarcastic text congratulating her on the news and telling her to look out for my email.
She replied to my email later that evening stating that I could only have supervised contact with my son until I agreed to take a court approved programme of anger management. She stated that although I loved my son, he wasn’t safe to be alone with me and that we would now correspond only through solicitors.
I responded by telling her that I was seeing a solicitor asap. I managed to get a meeting with my solicitor the next day and outlined everything that had happened and she advised me of my options, but recommended that she write a letter gently reminding my ex of my parental rights and of our shared residence arrangement. I came home to a further email from my ex stating that I had been seen outside her house and her place of work (despite not having been anywhere near her house or place of work). As a result she would now be applying for an injunction to prevent me from contacting her directly.
I spoke to my solicitor and asked if she could do this and she said only in the event that she could provide evidence (of which there was none). She advised me to have no contact with my ex and to let her begin correspondence with her solicitors. We received a response, which again reiterated the accusations that were made earlier, but this time added that I had been abusive towards my ex throughout our entire relationship. The letter went on to offer me contact with my son for one night every other weekend without supervision.
My solicitor advised me that my ex’s accusations were beginning to lack consistency. She suggested that the courts would question why, if I were indeed the person she suggested, would my ex allow unsupervised access to our child. At this point I was desperate to see my son and asked my solicitor to write a response informing my ex that I would be willing to accept taking my son every other weekend, Friday through to Sunday, as a temporary arrangement. We advised that we had also made an application for funding to apply for a court order to reinstate the terms of the original shared residence arrangement (the only good thing to come out of losing my income has been my eligibility for legal funding).
My ex agreed to this and we agreed that I would pick up and drop off my son from her father’s house. Finally after two months I was reunited with my son. The arrangement has been ongoing for several months.
However I’m beginning to have concerns about my ex. We were together almost three years. In truth I was only stayed in the relationship because I came to doubt my ex partners emotional state and at times genuinely feared for her psychological wellbeing if I was to leave her. She’s hyper sensitive to anything that she perceives to be a negative comment, becomes overly emotional and has a history of eating disorders and self harming. I genuinely believe that she suffers from a bi-polar disorder and asked her to get treatment at various points throughout our relationship.
I have been told that she is no longer seeing the father of her unborn child and will shortly go on maternity leave as she is due to give birth just before Christmas. After she gave birth to our son she developed severe post natal depression. I was working from home at that time and was able to look after both of them. I didn’t realise how severe her post natal depression was until much later when she confided that she’s been suffering from hallucinations. When I asked about the hallucinations she told me that she saw a red dot following her around the house and thought she could see figures on top of the adjacent buildings. She told me that during the hallucinations she really believed that these figures were assassins I had hired to kill her and that the red dot was from a laser sighted rifle. I asked why she had not told me about this and she claimed she was afraid I would have her sectioned.
I picked my son up on Friday evening and my ex’s step mother engaged me in a conversation about what was happening between my ex and me. I told her everything; all about the allegations and that I suspected that she would now struggle as a single parent. Her step mother responded by saying that she too had concerns. Whilst she knew my ex and I were having problems, she and my ex’s father had, until recently, assumed that the new baby was mine. She explained that they had not met the father, didn’t know his name and didn’t expect to. Her opinion was my ex was clearly a good, loving Mum, but she reiterated her concern about my ex’s ability to cope with two infants without support. When I told her about the severity of the post natal depression that my ex partner had experienced after our child was born and she became visibly concerned.
I’ve already emailed my solicitor regarding these concerns, but she has not responded. I had asked to correspond with my ex’s solicitor to discuss child care arrangements over Christmas and the period that my ex will be hospitalised. This is not the first time that my solicitor has failed to respond to a request for advice. She failed to respond to an initial request to contact my ex’s solicitor to enquire how my son had received severe bruising to one of his ears. I followed it up with a phone call and she told me that seeing as we had now established some goodwill with my ex, to raise such a question could imply some kind of impropriety.
I then told her that my concern was about his nursery, not my ex. Our son attends the nursery that my ex works at. My ex used to come home upset that the nursery wasn’t meeting its staff to child ratios and was ignoring her concerns and those of her other colleagues. Then our son received an injury resulting in the partial loss of one of his teeth. Initially I thought it was an accident, but we were informed by his key worker that she had been left with 13 children and that if other staff had been present his injury could have been avoided. I reported the nursery to OFSTED and my complaint was upheld. The nursery then wrote to every parent denying that the complaint had been upheld, despite OFSTED publishing the details on their website. My ex was subjected to harassment and bullying as a result of our complaint, but wouldn’t leave. This was another issue that contributed to our split. My solicitor advised that I should leave it be, as a judge may perceive my concern to be an attempt at ‘controlling’ my ex????
I was quite impressed with my Solicitor to begin with, but I don’t feel that she wants to roll her sleeves up. I expect to feel that my legal representative supports me, but I often feel like a chastised schoolboy. My friends say that it would be a different matter if I wasn’t on legal aid and that she’d have no problem taking my money. I suspect they may be right.
All I want is for my son to be well looked after. I’d like to avoid court action if at all possible, although I do feel that I need the security of a court order to reinforce the original shared residence agreement. I've made it clear to her family that there won't be a reconcilliation, but I’d like to make sure that I can support my ex as much as possible for the sake of our son more than anything. And, above all, I’d like him to be in a nursery that’s safe and trustworthy.
I’d appreciate any advice!
If you want my honest advice then both you and your ex need to stop being so petty and think about your kid.
You have a go about her new partner, she accuses you of stuff and gets the police involved, you then go down the she's unstable route, She then plays around with your access - I'm surprised that there has been no mention of maintenance yet. I have seen this story so many times on this site - both you and your ex are as bad as each other. 😡
You both need to take a step back from your bickering and honestly think about what your child needs - I'm sure warring parents is not the answer. Put yourself in your son's shoes and look at what is going on - do you really, honestly, think either of you have his best interests at heart ?
The two of you need to put aside what has happened in the past and work out how you can be the best parents possible whilst not being a couple.
Is your solicitor letting you down - no it sounds to me like the she is being honest. Her job is to advise you of the best course of action to help your case.
My friends say that it would be a different matter if I wasn’t on legal aid and that she’d have no problem taking my money. I suspect they may be right
Man, you are so lucky to be on legal aid, just read some of the other posts to understand how much this would have cost you so far in legal costs. Also I read so often on here about how great the legal aid solicitors are when they are acting for the mother - I'm sure its no different for Dads.
I will ask the Childrens Legal Centre to have a look at this thread for you Filmmaker_1970.
But my advice would be that there does seem to be a lot of animosity between you and your ex. Maybe the two of you need to stop finger pointing and try to come up with a way forward that will advantageous for your son and his unborn step-sibling.
I take it that you have a Cafcass officer involved, have they been helpful ?
Gooner
BabelFish. Thanks for that.
I put my son ahead of everything and have done everything to ensure that none of this impacts on him. I had a shared residence arrangement in place prior to the dispute with my ex, but it was my ex that went back on it. Yes, it started over an argument. I think you'll find that most of these cases start with one. I didn't walk away from my son, I was prevented from seeing him and had absolutely no choice but to seek legal assistance. I never wanted to involve the courts. I had hoped that matters would resolve themselves quickly, but this hasn't been the case.
I'm so lucky to get legal aid? Well if you think being on the verge of bankruptcy is lucky, then you're welcome to as much of my luck as you can take!
Do you have any idea what it's like to live with someone who has severe emotional problems? Everything I have written is true. Do you really think two infants should be left in the care of someone suffering from a form of depression so severe that they actually experience hallucinations? Have you really got any concept of what it's like to walk in on your partner trying to cut herself? My ex's legs are littered with scars and prior to meeting me she had received psychiatric assessments and counselling. I knew none of this until after she was pregnant. I thought the scars were a result of an adoloescent problem that she'd grown out of! My ex had a terrible unbringing and had a previous partner who would beat her and she intimated that he had also sexually assault her. All of this has left her damaged, vulnerable and with incredibibly low self esteem.
Let me tell you why I stayed with my ex. When we discovered that she was pregnant she initially said that she would stay with her Dad after the birth and I was pretty fine with this. We barely knew each other and I wanted her to have options. That's when we actually decided to raise our child through a shared residence arrangement and everything was pretty much agreed. Then I met her family and became aware of the environment in which she planned to take our child. The more I saw of her step family, the more it became evident that that the household had experienced, and continued to experience, real problems. Her father had met his current partner through his son who was dating her daughter and they too began a relationship and, as a consequence, both families moved in together. Their kids were still under 16 and matters became even more complicated when their offspring became pregnant with twins. Tragically the babies were stillborn, but within months of this the kids were pregnant again. No one tried to counsel them against this. They had a little boy and then promptly split up with each other, but continued to live under the same roof. Unsurprisingly, their relationship became hostile. Also present in the house was her ‘step mother’s’ brother who my ex partner referred to as ‘uncle’. He was an alcoholic and allegedly stole money from everyone else to underwrite his drinking.
I didn’t want my son to be raised in this environment.
My ex then began to divulge her ‘step’ mum’s back story prior to her meeting her dad. She confided that her ‘step’ mother had been beaten by her first husband, the father of her eldest ‘step’ sister and a violent alcoholic. Her second marriage produced another little girl, but any happiness was destroyed when it emerged that the brother of her second husband had been sexually abusing her eldest daughter. When the abuse was discovered her stepmother separated from her ex-husband and had a breakdown. She then tried to kill herself, along with her two children. Thankfully she wasn’t successful, received help and made something of a recovery; although she has to continue to take medication for severe depression.
I think what happened was awful and my heart truly goes out to this family, but I defy anyone to say that they’d be happy to place their child into such a dysfunctional home. So I told my ex that I wanted her to move in with me.
I'm sure you've experienced your own problems, but this doesn't give you the right to denegrate mine!
Gooner,
I haven't even received the funding to make an application to the court. I applied at the beginning of June. I received a letter requesting more information about my financial circimstances, which I supplied and have heard nothing since. Ironically the request for further financial information was a result of my receiving contribution based jobseekers, but as six months have elapsed I am now in reciept of income based jobseekers. This means I have to complete yet another means form, which will probably delay the application further.
I would honestly welcome any opportunity to meet with a Cafcass officer, but until my solicitor makes the application, I can't see this happening.
The thing is, if my ex was to place our son into an alternative nursery, there would be no reason for me and my ex to have much contact. I could pick him up and drop him off there and resume our shared residency arrangement. In time I would think that things would improve with my ex and become more cordial.
I asked my solicitor to advise me on what I should do in the event that my ex falls victim to post natal depression again and can't look after herself or the children, but my solicitor hasn't responded. I'm not asking to report her to social services, I just want to know what my options are to protect my child in the event that this happens (which I've been told is quite likely and significantly worse the second time around).
Filmmaker_1970,
I have asked the CLC to look at this post and respond - it normally takes a couple of days for a response. The additional details in your second and third posts will also be incredibly useful to them as well.
Sounds like you have and are still going through an incredibly tough time. I can imagine why you feel so protective towards your son. All dads would want a safe environment for their children to grow up in - so I can understand the stress this must be putting you under. financial troubles, unemployed and trying to deal with the issues regarding your ex and your son.
Are you getting help with your financial problems ? I would suggest chatting with The Consumer Credit Counselling Service. They're a registered charity offering free and confidential advice and support to anyone who is worried about any aspect of their finances. They make know charge for the service and can be a great help. You can ask them questions via the forum on the finance board at DadTalk, send them a private message via on the forum or for more detailed help you can call them on 0800 138 1111( they are open 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday)
I hope some of this is helpful to you and I'm sure other members of the DadTalk community who have gone through a similar situation will have some advice for you as well.
Keep in touch, even if you just need to get some stuff off your chest.
Gooner :ugeek:
I'm not asking to report her to social services
Another thing to consider is that social services, for all the bad press they have had, are not there just to take kids away from the parents. They are a support service to help parents. If you think that they could support your ex in parenting then it may be an idea to have a chat with them. Don't think of it as reporting her, its more about getting her the support. 99 times out of 100 social services try to support the parent so that a child can remain with the parents.
Gooner :ugeek:
Thanks, Gooner!
Yes it has been an incredibly stressful year and this obviously isn't a situation I would choose to have. My son means everything to me and I want him to grow up to realise his aspirations and dreams. His Mum is genuinely damaged and this is a constant source of worry for me, but she's also a nice, caring person. Her recent actions are quite out of character as she has never been this unreasonable before. I can feel the hand of a third party stirring things up, but I'm just not quite sure who it is. I actually just want her to be happy and would like to help her as much as I can, but I think we'd both be better off with the security of a court order that reinstates our shared residence arrangement! I don't want this situation to happen again.
I contacted the CCCS several months ago and they've been incredibly helpful. As have most of my personal creditors. I've also been allowed by the Job Centre to work 16 hours a week, on an unpaid volunatary basis, for my company in an attempt to reduce its debts. I've managed to reduce all debt other than a few grand that it owes to the Inland Revenue. So hopefully I'll be able to recover the business and build it back up.
Thanks for referring this to the CLC and for the advice about social services. I really don't understand why my solicitor hasn't provided me with similar advice. I'll wait to hear what opinion the CLC have on the matter before contacting my solicitor again.
Best regards,
Filmmaker
Hi Filmaker
This does all sound stressful, but reading into it, if you take a step back for a moment, your ex is going through a stresful time as well and may be feeling rather isolated. I'm not trying to say what she has done is right, but it could be that if you offer the chance of mediation, she may well see that as a lifeline and go for it. IMO, it's worth a try first rather than going straight for the legal route.
Hi actd,
I've thought about mediation and asked my solicitor about it months ago. She told me that, because of the police involvement and nature of the allegations, she couldn't think of a mediation service in our area that would take the case. I've also just been told that despite being released without charge, the allegations may appear on any advanced CRB check that I apply for in the future. I occasionally work with children and young people as part of the work that I do, so this is particularly worrying and causing me even more stress.
As for my ex I couldn't agree with you more. I think she does feel isolated, but there's not an awful lot I can do about it. I'm limited to using her step mother as an informal gobetween, but this is thraught with potential pitfalls as I'm not convinced she's the best person to do this for the reasons stated previously.
My solicitor has completely ignored a written request to contact my ex's solicitor to ask about contact over Christmas. I'm actually scheduled to have my son from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, but would be willing to take him from Christmas Day so that my ex can have some time with him. She's also due to give birth on the 21st December and I want to make arrangements to look after my son whilst she's in hospital. If she has to be in longer than expected we need to agree a plan for every eventuality. I'd obviously like all this to be confirmed in coresspondence between both solicitors, but I just don't feel I'm getting the service (or support) from my solicitor at the moment. The disapointment I feel towards my solicitor is really why I posted in the first place...
Solicitors usually have a complaints procedure, which is normally given to you when you engage the solicitor. You could have a meeting with your solicitor to express your concerns and see what they say, and if you're not happy, then use the complaints procedure.
If you're not happy, there is nothing to stop you from changing your solicitor though, especially if there is no good reason for not following your instructions.
Thanks, actd! After the CLC comment on my posts, I'll speak with my solicitor and ask for a meeting.
Dear Filmmaker_1970,
Thank you for contacting the Children’s Legal Centre.
As you have a solicitor we are only able to provide you with very basic advice and strongly emphasise that the advice of your solicitor is the advice that you should follow as they are aware of your situation in much more detail and are in a better position to advise as to the best course of action in your circumstances.
Firstly, with regards to what was agreed with shared residence/ contact, as this is purely an agreement it has no legal standing and can not be enforced, meaning that the mother has committed no offence by altering this.
At present, the resident parent has the right to control any and all contact that you have with your child, as contact is the right of a child, not a parent and can be controlled by the resident parent until the child is of an age to decide for themselves (absolutely at 16 years old) or a court order is in place.
You have stated that you are applying to court for the arrangement that you had to be put into a court order, and following mediation this would have also been what we advised. The court will decide whether that arrangement or something else is appropriate based on what they believe is best for your son after hearing all the circumstances. Any order put in place by the court is legally binding.
You do have the option of applying for full residence if you wish to do so, but the court will require good reason and proof of any mental instability that you decide to claim to deem altering residence as best for your child. You may wish to discuss the likelihood of success in such an application with your solicitor.
If you have concerns in the meantime for how your child is being cared for or the environment that he is in then you have the option of contacting the Social Services and making them aware of your concerns, and they will decide whether or not there is reason for them to become involved.
With regards to new partner and other people being around your child, it is for each parent when the child is with them to decide who it is appropriate for the child to be around and when it is suitable for the child to meet new partners. So basically either you or the mother can introduce the child to a new partner or any other person at anytime you feel it is suitable, and the other parent does not have a say in this and can not do anything about this, except when there is a suspicion that the new partner may have child related offences. If this is the case then you can speak to the local police about having a check done under ‘Sarah’s Law’ if this is currently available in your area (this provision is not nationwide until the end of next year) or you can speak to Social Services.
Unfortunately, other than this you will not have any control over who the mother introduces to your son or when, as she will not with you, as these things fall to the discretion of the parents and it is thought a parent should only act in a way that is in the best interests of their child.
Nursery is not considered compulsory schooling, and so it is for parents to decide whether or not to send a child to this. If you are unhappy with the placement that your son has then you can discuss altering this with the mother, but she does not have to comply with your request to change the nursery.
You may attempt to take this matter to court, however without proof that the child was injured in this placement or the placement is unsuitable the likelihood of success could be quite slim.
Solicitors acting on legal aid are the same solicitors that you would have if you were paying privately, and therefore the treatment that you receive from your solicitor would be exactly the same. Although no other solicitor should comment on what your solicitor is doing and whether this is right or wrong, if you are not happy with your solicitor then you should discuss your concerns with them before taking any further action to see if these matters can be resolved.
It is advisable that you attempt to resolve these issues with your solicitor as there has to be exceptional circumstances to have your legal aid transferred from one solicitor to another.
We hope this information is useful to you, and do emphasise again that you take the advice of your solicitor above that of any other party due to their in knowledge of your particular case. We do wish you luck with this matter.
Kind Regards
Children’s Legal Centre
Thank you to everyone that has left positive support and advice on my original posting. It's very much appreciated.
The CLC have confirmed everything that I suspected about changing solicititors and the potential impact it will have on my Legal Aid funding. It does appear that I'm pretty much stuck with my solicitor, as aquiring a new one will only serve to delay my application to the courts and there's no guarantee that my Legal Aid funding would be automatically transfered to a new firm of solicitors.
I've spoken with my ex's step mother and explained that I can't support my ex until she asks for help. I've advised that she and my ex's father need to be more proactive and to make a point of seeing my ex more regularly, especially after the birth of the new baby. If she feels isolated, as I suspect she does, she needs people to reach out to her. This is not something I can do with the threat of an injunction floating around.
I honestly don't know what to do about contact with Social Services. I feel that I'm doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. On the one hand it could go against me in court, on the other I could never forgive myself if something happened that I could have prevented by contacting them, but didn't as a consequence of not wanting to rock the boat.
Would your ex's step-mother & father be prepared to contact social services - may be worth talking to them about it, not necessarily do it yet, but be prepared for it if necessary. The other thing to note is that, as has been mentioned before, socials services preferred option is to assist the parent to care for his/her children, so calling them in no way implies that the children are going to be removed.
Hi actd,
I very much doubt that they would be prepared to make an apprach to social services. They seem to view the "authorities" with suspicion and would prefer to keep matters in the family. I think they're essentially good people that have had horrible things happen in their lives and have consequently made bad decisions. Their poor judgement often makes life difficult for themselves and others; they're like a poor, wretched family that Dickens would write about crossed with the type of family that you see on a particularly cruel episode of the Jeremy Kyle show. Given everything that's going on between me and my ex, I'm loathe to use them as a go-between as they're not particularly reliable and tend to miscommunicate information. I would prefer that all communication, however basic, is done between our solicitors until I can make an application to the court and achieve a resolution.
I've emailed my solicitor (again) and asked her to contact my ex's solicitor to discuss the issue of contact with my son over the Christmas period. By the terms of the schedule of contact we have negotiated, I am due to collect him on Fri 24th Dec (Christmas Eve) and return him at 6.30pm on the 26th December (Boxing Day). I recognise that this would mean that my ex would have no contact with our son on Christmas Day and, as I think it’s only right that he spends time with both his parents, I have instructed my solicitor to suggest that I pick my son up around lunchtime on Christmas Day to ensure that my ex gets time with him on Christmas morning.
I've also asked her to enquire who will be looking after my son when my ex gives birth? Her step mother told me that my ex hasn’t made any arrangements with them and she suspected he would be with me. This needs clarification. My ex is due on the 21st December 2010, which is obviously very close to the festive season and, given that child birth is not an exact science, the arrival of her new child could impact on any arrangement we make for contact over Christmas. In the event that my ex has to remain in hospital longer than expected, would it not be prudent to discuss this eventuality as well? I asked my solicitor to state that I would be happy to have my son for additional nights after my ex is discharged from hospital to help with the burden of having to look after two infants by herself.
I emailed my solicitor yesterday. Ordinarily she would acknowledge a request within a couple of hours, but it's been a full 24 hours. I'm going to give her until Thursday to respond and then I'll look to make a complaint.
The whole issue of the 'resident parent' irks me. We had agreed a shared residency, which was clearly working and, most importantly, my son was happy. The last few times that I've had to return him he's been clingy and has wanted to stay. It crushes me. Does the law automatically assume that the mother is always the 'resident parent' in these situations, or is it just down to whoever is lucky enough to have their child with them at the time of a dispute arising?
I think it used to be the presumption that the mother was the best person to care for a child, but that is much less the case these days, though statistically, I would imagine (but could easily be wrong) that generally if one parent is the main earner, then it's likely to be the man, and the woman is more likely to be the carer - so will have had more contact with the child.
I don't necessarily think it's a matter of 'luck' who has the child - if a split is going to happen, then one of the parents will know about it before it happens and may manoeuvre the situation to their advantage before the split - could be either side that does this.
With regards Christmas contact - perhaps you could suggest that your son will ring his mother on Christmas day, that way there is some contact over Christmas. As for your ex giving birth, again I'd certainly volunteer to take your son over that time before your ex tries to make any other arrangements.
Hi actd,
My son is only two and hasn't the patience for the telephone. He's happy to blow kisses for a moment or two, before feeling the need to return to Dora the Explorer...
... my ex loves Christmas and I'd rather concede Christmas morning, perhaps creating some goodwill in the process, and, most importantly, it ensures that I have my son for a couple of days. By being too rigid I fear I run the risk of upsetting her and having no contact with my son as a result.
It's been a over 48hrs since I emailed my solicitor, but nearly 3 weeks since she received my original instructions. I make a point of writing to her, because she once sent a letter to my ex's solicitor that was factually incorrect, due to her taking incorrect notes, and she consequently had to send a further letter rectifying the mistake. I don't feel that what I'm asking is unreasonable, if she feels that it's not in my best interests to do this, shouldn't she be picking up the phone and advising me?
My son is only two and hasn't the patience for the telephone.
Doh!! Forgot you'd said that.
... I'd rather concede Christmas morning, perhaps creating some goodwill in the process, and, most importantly, it ensures that I have my son for a couple of days. By being too rigid I fear I run the risk of upsetting her and having no contact with my son as a result.
That's a very sensible approach to take, both for you and your son, plus it shows the court that you are trying to be accomodating.
It's been a over 48hrs since I emailed my solicitor, but nearly 3 weeks since she received my original instructions. I make a point of writing to her, because she once sent a letter to my ex's solicitor that was factually incorrect, due to her taking incorrect notes, and she consequently had to send a further letter rectifying the mistake. I don't feel that what I'm asking is unreasonable, if she feels that it's not in my best interests to do this, shouldn't she be picking up the phone and advising me?
I'd take up the CLC's suggestion of speaking to her to voice your concerns - best done early on in my view.
Hi,
It's been a little over a week since my previous post and I just thought I'd update everyone as to recent developments with my solicitor. I'm currently waiting to hear from the Legal Services Commission about additional funding, further to the limited Legal Help I have received so far...
... I emailed my solicitor on 20th September asking whether she had heard from the LSC and was told, "There is often a back log at the Legal Services commission and your application would not be considered urgent." I then instructed my Solicitor on the 27th September to correspond with my ex's solicictor regarding scheduled contact on Halloween, over the Christmas period and during the period of her hospital confinement (when she gives birth to her new child).
I didn't hear anything, so I contacted her again on the 11th October, as per the advice I had received on here, to enquire what she had done to action my previous instructions. I received a letter several days later dated the 13th October stating, "My apologies for the delay in responding... I had hoped that your Public Funding would be in place by now... we have engaged in so much correspondence in this matter that we have virtually exhausted the Legal Help limit and therefore, it is not possible for me to continue to embroil myself in further correspondence when the LSC will not fund Legal Help beyond that which has already been done... the total that can be claimed under the Legal Help Scheme is £317.00... Frankly I am very surprised indeed that we have not yet received a substantive response to our application for funding... rarely have I known the the LSC to take a period of almost three months to respond to an application ".
What I'm struggling with is the fact that my solicitor waited almost three weeks to inform me that there was a problem. Indeed, only a few days prior to my instructions of the 27th September, she told me, in writing, that delays to funding where the norm, yet a few short weeks later she goes on to state how shocked she is at the lack of progress?!?!?!?
I'm right in the middle of negotiating contact with my son over Christmas and ensuring that he's well looked after when my ex is confined to hospital. My ex specifically requested that all communication be conducted through solicitors or else she'd take out an injunction against me. I had no choice, I had to approach a solicitor. I wouldn't say that there's been anything unreasonable about the level of correspondence generated by my case thus far. Previous correspondence has been factually incorrect and my solicitor has had to send additional communications correcting information that she herself had failed to note down properly. I'm assuming that this revised correspondence has come out of my Legal Help budget, which is why it's now exhausted!
Although I knew there was a limit to the Legal Help scheme, my solicitor never informed me of the exact figure of that fiscal limit until now. I always knew that it wasn't enough to cover an application to the courts and I would need to apply for Public Funding to do so.
I have spoken with someone at the LSC who told me that I should hear something definitive by the end of the month, but I don't feel that I'm getting the service from my solicitor that I'm entitled to. If I change my solicitor, I run the risk of losing any public funding I may be fortunate enough to receive... but if I have no faith in my solicitor what good is public funding?
Just thought I'd offer up a quick update on my situation.
A certificate of Legal Aid funding was issued on 04th November 2010. This was applied for by my solicitor to fund an application to the courts to obtain a residency order for my son. The whole Legal Aid application has been a nightmare and it has been about six months since I first instructed my solicitor (the problems that I've experienced are well documented on this thread). We negotiated a temporary schedule of contact with my son that gave me contact with him every other weekend. I previously had a shared residence arrangement with my ex, but she renaged on this after an argument I had with her regarding the level of contact her new 'partner' was having with my son. She fell pregnant and, as far as I can make out, he's left her and has offered very little support during her pregnancy. If she'd met a man of quality I wouldn't have had an issue, but she attracts, and is attracted to, idiots!
My solicitor has sent me various letters stating that her hands were tied until confirmation of my funding came through. So after a very long and frustrating wait I thought that we would at least be looking to take our next step.
I received a letter yesterday stating that as I am having "generous" contact, making an application at this stage may affect this contact in the intervening period. The level of contact I currently have is no where near what I had enjoyed previously. Also, as my ex is about to give birth to baby number two, my solicitor advises that the general theory is that siblings should remain living together and not be divided.
My solicitor has known about the due date of the second child for six months, so why weren't these issues flagged up when she received my initial instructions?
👿
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.