[Solved] Is it wrong to not be part of my newborn's life?

Hi Graham

I understand how you feel, but this decision has to be yours and nobody can tell you that you are doing the right thing....what is right for one isn't necessarily right for another. However I will say that IMO the bond between a child and parent is something special.

If you want to be in your child's life it's likely to be a slow and difficult process if the mother is against it. You would need to attend mediation and then, if no agreement can be reached, apply to court for a Child Arrangements Order for contact.

If you aren't named on the birth certificate then you would also need to apply for Parental Responsibility. With the mothers agreement this would be relatively simple, if not you would apply to the court for it at the same time as contact.

The child's feelings should be given consideration too, in the future the child is likely to want to know about you and the inevitable questions will follow about why you weren't in their life....they may come looking for you. Some children cope with this, but some don't.

Good luck

It's crossed my mind on a few occasions this year if I'm better off walking away so it's totally natural it has been [censored] on earth going through the courts but I know what it's like having your Dad walk out of your life and it's not nice it screwed me up for most of my life and left me with serious relationship issues I don't think I will ever get over that feeling of been rejected and I'd rather stab my eyes out with forks than let my Daughter grow up feeling like that so I've stuck in there and I'm fighting like a dog for her I never want my Child to think of me the way I think of my dad for sure.

I think the advice you have been given is excellent, and it is your decision alone.

But do you know what - your argument shows a massive amount of consideration for the feelings of your child, and my opinion is that your child's life would be greatly enhanced if you were part of it.

Thanks for the replies. It's important to share and listen to others' advice.
I wasn't at the birth, I didn't sign the birth certificate and my child has taken the mother's surname so I assume I'm not named as the father on the birth certificate. This may reveal my ex's intention for me not to be involved.
I absolutely understand the bond between a child and parent is very special, I couldn't imagine what my life would have been without my mother, but it saddens me to think I couldn't say the same about my dad.
I really don't want to repeat my dad's fatherhood by being in my child's life for a few months or years then one day not being there anymore. It affects a child's psychology & outlook on life. For example, if I became attached to my child and then one day my ex decides to relocate I may have to move to see my child but this could affect my job and/or any relationships, adding to the turmoil.
At least I know my child is loved, well looked after and in a harmonious environment without the complication and turmoil of a step-dad and weekend dad.
What sort of relationship can a dad build with his child if they only see each other once a week for a few hours or a night? Perhaps I'm too proud to accept the idea that I would be my child's 2nd dad, like my dad was to my step-dad.
I am only too aware that my child is very likely to come looking for me in years to come, just as I did 23 years since I'd last seen my own father. Hindsight makes me believe my dad made the right decision not to be involved in my life so that I could 'grow-up' through childhood into adulthood with only positive people in my life and without 'baggage'.
I have read many other dad stories on this site and I'm disheartened by the suffering caused to their innocent children. I just want to make the right decision for my child.
If I actually met and became attached to my child, I'm sure my feelings would be different but I fear this would only open a world of pain to all 3 of us.
I need to find a way to stop this mental torture.
Graham.

same for me wasn't allowed at the scans, I was barred from the birth, my ex left me off the birth certificate, I didn't meet my Daughter until she was 5 weeks old then as soon as I clapped eyes on her that was it, I couldn't bear to live with not knowing like you are and soon as I held my Girl I knew I had to be there for her.

My own father was an absolute bellend and my step father I had a [censored] upbringing how do you know your child will be looked after? I'd rather be there to make sure, you are your childs dad no one else can take that place, If you just walk away you are letting your ex win hands down she has no right to deprive a child of their father I swear it will be better at least giving it a go, I've missed out on the first year of my childs life but now I'm seeing her albeit in a contact centre we are building a very strong bond and she knows I'm her daddy.

I'm back in court this week hoping to get decent contact the only reason its in a contact centre at the mo is so my girl can get used to me I'm fighting to be a substantial part of her life I'm not exepting a few hours a week you will find that the least you will get is every other weekend from fri-sun and 1 night a week which many dads get on here it's up to you to push for more.

You child is still very young and won't remember any of this same as my girl I'm thinking I'll get all this sorted within the next 6 months then It will be set in stone till she's 16 and my ex can't do jack [censored] about it.

I'm not having a go but walking away seems like the easy option to me I'd rather fight give it a go and at least say I've tried it will be unbearable living not knowing, I wouldn't look to much into the future either if she moves away just cross that bridge when you come to it.

I say fight for your child mate 🙂

...I'm not going to advise you one way or the other Graham, but reading between the lines I would say you have more or less made your mind up. Just make sure that it is the right decision for you.

Best of luck

Hi Graham,

Thought I'd post on this since I can completely relate to the situation you are in.

If I may offer my thoughts they would be as follows, I apologize in advance for poor spleling, grammer; and general harshness - but what I say comes from my own personal experiences, ganuinely intended to help you; which you may or may not find useful.

I empathize with the decision that you are about to make as it is pretty much the one I had to make four years ago.

I offer the following points for you to consider which may aid your decision.

1) You are not contesting with yourself that you are a father, this is fact and you mention being part of your child's life. Ergo, you accept that you are responsible for bringing a child into this world - no matter what the circumstances, rightly or wrongly, just or unjust.

I imagine that this element of the situation causes you great suffering and there must be tonnes of scenarios and questions you have in your mind , swirling round and round and potentially clouding your decision.

I'll repeat that you are responsible for bringing a life into this world, ACCEPT that fact and move forward.

2) No answers for your dilemma reside in the past (even your own personal past), nor do they lie in the future. We live in the present.

3) You accept that you are a father so the decision is what kind of father do you want to be? Do you want to be the bellend absent father, the wanker father that turns up drunk on birthdays or the completely devoted father that all his mates think is a [censored]? There are a myriad of other types, these are just three.

4) Completely ignore point 3. These are stereotypes, labels that people, your ex, society at large will place on you to either control the way you think and perceive yourself or to manipulate you in behaving a certain way - DO NOT ACCEPT THEM.

5) Pertinent to point 4, make your own image as to what father you are at this present time - if it feels right to you then stick to it no matter what ANYONE else says. Make a general image as to the father you would like to be in the future but accept that this may change as the circumstances change.

6) At this point in the process you appear to be grieving, ergo (from a completely clinical point of view) you are not completely whole and capable of raising a child. Put yourself first, be selfish for a while until you figure out what is best for you and your child.

People always say children come first. Ill probably get loads of [censored] for saying this but I look at it from a slightly different viewpoint...If you are not whole, dependent on substances or generally unable (even due to external circumstances) then you should put yourself first. If you can develop yourself then you are in a much stronger position to aid your child's development.

7) Stop berating yourself, stop beating yourself up for things in the past. They are in the past and that's where they should stay. You may reflect on them but you need to learn, grow and develop from them. Use them as references from which you may take positive influence.

8) Any dilemma you are faced with is no more complex or difficult than you make it in your own mind - your perception is your reality. Recognize the power you have to alter your state and perception in order to be happier.

9) Referring back to point 5 - in this modern single parent 'high divorce rate world' what is a father? Its completely whatever you want it to be. This can be anything YOU choose or what feels right to YOU.

When my daughter lived a distance away I saw her once a fortnight. This may be considered by some to be 'not enough' 'weak' etc etc However given the circumstances this was all that was prepared to do and in fact all that I could do. However my daughter has grown to be a strong individual little girl that I am extremely proud of. Is that wholly down to my input - [censored] no. but I've been present, I've been there.

10) Be present. If you want my advice on what decision you should make I would say don't put too much pressure on yourself. Personally I think you would regret not being part of your child's life, there is much benefit to being part of your child's life that you cannot possibly fathom at this time. Just try!

If you only spend an hour with your child, for a month at a time you have the opportunity to test how you really feel. Whatever your decision it will be [censored] hard man, so you might as well try it to see how it fits.

11) The only person you have to justify, explain and honor (apart from yourself) is your child. You don't owe your ex, the CSS, the courts, god (if that's your thing) any of these things. Recognize that you will be judged, berated, humiliated etc etc no matter what decision you make. Accept this, these are other peoples opinions and not the truth - don't fall into other peoples frames, create your own and live the life you choose. Don't get drawn into arguments or allow people to

12) Grow some [censored] and be a man! What does it mean to be a man? well, you're gonna have decide that for yourself, but whatever that is, be it!!!!

Some may think that man should display his manliness by taking charge, beating those who stand in their way etc etc etc. In my particular situation I try to emulate a man of integrity who considers the implications of his actions in a rational and compassionate way. I don't get involved with disputes or necessarily act in accordance with others wishes - but I act in a manner in which I believe is in mine and my daughters best interest. In a lot of circumstances this means me stepping away and allowing others to take control in order to avoid disputes, arguments so that my daughter is not exposed to stress. - Although this may be perceived by others as a weak standpoint (and can certainly be argued that way) I tell you now it takes great strength to put your own wants and needs on hold because you feel it would be detrimental to cause a drama.

13) Live your life for YOU; however you see fit but consider that if you only see your child once a month for an hour for five years and during that time you can help them overcome an adversity (eg bullying) or support them (eg encouraging an artistic endeavor) then all the pain, suffering, regret, jealously etc etc will be worth it. Even a single act can have the potential to help - don't deny yourself or your child this opportunity.

14) Keep texts, documents and make detailed notes of discussion you have with your ex. Not in a pre-preemptive '[censored] you' way but just for your own protection and peace of mind.

15) Re-frame your situation. At the moment you are no doubt seeing things in a negative light (naturally so) but try to step away from the situation and see the benefit and potential benefits to YOU from the situation. Your ex will have control, your CSS payments, your money, your [censored] in a vice etc....However on the flip side of that coin she will have the sleepless nights, the pressure of being a single mom, she has to cope with a whole lot of stuff that you will not be able to relate to. So don't try to relate to it.

Use your time to improve yourself. It may seem that your ex has taken everything from you, that she has 'won'. If that's what you perceive and feel then that's how it will feel. I say you have a truly unique opportunity to discover things about yourself - USE IT!!!

You have no control over anything apart from your own mind and perception - this is true for all of us. Stop working to control external things and control yourself for that is all any one can do.

Hope my ramblings have at least given you food for thought and genuinely hope they have helped to alleviate the self imposed gravity of the situation. Would be great to know what you decide to do.