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hey guys
this will be my first post on a forum, but thought i would give it try as i just don't know where to turn anymore and just want to see if any one can shed some light on these proceedings and give me any advise that may help........
i've been separated from my ex partner for just over a year now and we have a 2 year old little girl together... at first everything was fine and i got to see my daughter every weekend and was able to stay friends with my ex, this continued for a few months but then it began to go sour and my ex gradually became more and more difficult to deal with when it came to my daughter and she reduced my contact by one weekend out of the month so i was seeing her 3 weekends on then one off. she then decided after a few weeks to seek advise from a solicitor with which i received a letter in the post which was completely out of the blue telling me that a regular contact pattern was needed and she was only offering me every fortnight , now i was aware at the time that is more then most fathers get but i was not happy with that as i was seeing her every week before and had never missed any time with her, i felt that this contact pattern was not enough time to have with my daughter enble me to be an active father in my childs life, so i refused and had to go through mediation... it took two sessions to eventually agree that i was to have her on a two weekend and one weekend off pattern. but after the mediation she still had me jumping through hoops, changing this day here and that week then so she could fit it around her life with out any sacrifice to herself, leaving me never being able to plan anything because one minute its not my weekend and then the next it is....this continued for about 4/5 months, until the last straw came when she asked me about getting my daughter christened which i didn't want as my ex nor i are religious... so i disagreed.. i should of known better and had done something sooner when she didn't argue it and 6 weeks later i found out she had gone and done it anyway behind my back.. obviously i was not happy about this and when i confronted her after attempting to pick my daughter up she became aggressive and told me that i couldn't take her so when i refused to go she began to kick and hit me at which point i had to call the police.. even the police officer who attended commented to me off record that it was clear that she is using my daughter as a weapon to hurt me and try show some kind of control over me but that i should seek legal advise and obtain a contact order because without one i couldn't see my daughter without her mothers say so.... after that event a week or so later contact continue for a couple of times but then it only got worse, she was playing all sorts of mind games where i lost all trust and faith in her as a mother and the worst one happened recently where she has claimed my daughter was seeing imaginary things that are trying to hurt her and on one occasion she insisted that she had to drop her off at my house and when i answered the door my daughter refused to come to me, wouldn't let me cuddle her or anything, she cried and scream at me as if she was scared of me for some reason and because her mother hadn't put a nappy on her she wet herself on my doorstep which was real upsetting for me to the point i had to tell her to take my daughter away, now you would of thought that any normal mother may of been quite distressed themselves about an event like this, as this wasn't normal and nothing had nothing like this had ever happened before, but upon leaving mine i later found out that she had left my daughter in someone else's care and was out drinking that night and the next. i have also been told that because of this she has been referred to a psychiatrist which i don't understand because she is only 2 and what can she tell them??? then i was informed that her gp had later referred her to child services over these events and that they had advised that my contact was to be brought down to a minimum of 2 hours, and as this had all happened while i had been having no contact with my daughter for 3 weeks (due to her mothers choice), i thought i would be for the best to step back and not see her until i had spoken to her gp and child services about the situation... and after 2 telephone conversations with the child services i found out there had been no referral from her gp and that had not advised any such break in contact as they are not concerned about her welfare, the only thing that was on her record was the time i had called the police... i then tried to regain the contact and turned up at her door to collect my daughter after informing her beforehand that id be doing so as i had looked into it and child services were not involved or concerned.. and when i got there she was no where to be seen, i tried ringing her and left messages i turned up every day over that weekend and every time she was not there and i did the same this weekend just gone and still no sign of her.... its now been 7 weeks now since i've seen my little girl and i'm just dying inside and just don't know what to do i've called the police and they say they cant do anything as its a matter for the courts....... can anybody help me??.... π
steve
Hi Steve, and welcome to dadtalk.
That's quite some post, and I think we need to start with the basics.
Form the way your ex is behaving, you are going to need a contact order as a minimum, but you are probably going to need to try to go back to mediation again, or at least try to, and then get the agreement written into a contact order. Yoji has written a couple of guides at the top of the legal section on representing yourself, which are worth reading, and assuming you haven't got a solicitor yet, then you can give the Corams Childrens Legal Centre a call for free legal advice.
Make sure you keep a record of all that happens - keep it concise - and all correspondence, you may need this if you go to court.
Hi Steve,
Sorry to hear of your predicament... i'm sorry to say its not a one off occurrence and again set patterns are being followed.
Your primary issue is to have contact re-instated. I would first write a letter to your ex's Solicitor advising that if contact is not resumed within 14days, you will be progressing through the Courts with a Contact Application. It seems to have vanished from the top of this site now for some reason?
When the Police came and dealt with the violence incident what action did they take? The general action is that your ex should have been arrested as this is Police Policy on instances involving Domestic Violence (basically the party guilty is taken down to the local Police station to be booked in).
With regard to actd's post i would certainly try Mediation again however, i'd be highly surprised if she would be now willing to allow it.
On another note regarding your daughter and her fear. It seems to me highly likely that she has been affected in a very big way with regard to your ex's behaviour, as such i would think your ex has actually been poisoning your daughter to get her to think that you have attacked her (mother). This may explain or go some way to explain why your daughters behaviour is how it is. Also even if your daughter did wet herself, you should still have brought her in and offered words of re-assurance etc. This straight away would have helped your daughter to realise that its not a problem and you are there for her. Action is better taken sooner rather than later. But alas we all deal differently.
If you can't find the Contact Order guide i'm sure actd can email some admins to have it re-issued as a sticky π
Thanks to both of you
i have this morning booked a appointment for mediation as i feel its is worth a try, but i to don't think me ex well go for it now because it is already going to court but it is through legal aid and i'm still waiting for the funding to come through before i can apply to court, i applied for the funding about 6 weeks ago and have been told it could take up to another 6 weeks to be accepted then that's when i can apply to court which then there's the usual wait for a court date....
no when the police turned up at her place, she wasn't arrested nothing was really mentioned all i wanted was to be allowed to take my daughter, they tried to reason with her to allow me to take my daughter but that got me no where.. she did claim to them that i had pushed her so probably if they were to arrest her they would of have to arrest me also...
i do to think my daughter mind is being poisoned all because the they way the events have unfolded... when she was at my door i did try to take her from her mum to comfort her, but her mum wasn't allowing me which its why the whole thing felt set up.... i think she is just trying to find stuff to use against me when we do finally get to court, its just one massive dirty game to her as she knows she can get away with it with out any consequences ....
question... is there such a things as a emergency contact order, a temporary order setup until a court hearing or anything similar of use??
Hi, yes there are emergency orders as far as I'm aware. Yoji will no doubt give more details on this, but if you haven't yet engaged a solicitor, then you could phone the Coram Childrens Legal Centre (there's a link to it on the website) for free legal advice.
spoke to someone at Coram Children's Legal Centre just now told me there is no such thing as an emergency contact order only an emergency residency order so no luck there, they also told me there is no other way to make any contact unless the mother agrees...
between a rock and a hard place comes to mind.........
being left with no choice but to wait it out..... π
spoke to someone at Coram Children's Legal Centre just now told me there is no such thing as an emergency contact order only an emergency residency order so no luck there, they also told me there is no other way to make any contact unless the mother agrees...
between a rock and a hard place comes to mind.........
being left with no choice but to wait it out..... π
Ah, apologies for that - I mis-remembered the purpose of my emergency order, and now you've mentioned that, I recall that it was for residency at the time.
Hi Steve,
No as CCLC say there isn't. There are so called Emergency Hearings that can be held for a whole host of reasons.
The likelihood is that gut instinct about the situation being a set up was correct. And yes you are quite right, this incident will certainly rear its head at Court. However i would say that you don't have anything to worry about as Courts do actually (i believe at least) recognise that instances involving children can and do lead to instances of conflict (physical or otherwise) and very often will disregard the event. Even if your ex raises this as an issue in Court i would certainly hope the Legal Adviser and Judge have the common sense to understand that this does not form part of the basis to stop contact.
With regard to your Legal Aid and it coming through, have you ever considered completing and filing the Contact Application yourself? Then when the Legal Aid comes through you could appoint someone to represent you?
In order to get the ball rolling i would definately consider sending a letter to your ex's Solicitor requesting that Contact be re-instated immediately. At least this way when your legal aid comes through and your case is "starting" your case will be hitting the ground running?
If you need pointers on writing letters to Solicitors i can give some good pointers π
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