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A long story but I'll try and keep it succinct.
My ex wife and I were married for 17 years, with a daughter at teh time of divorce aged 11. My ex wife developed clinical depression and was prescribed medication to help and I'm not blaming this on the divorce but when her episodes became bad she took more meds to be 'normal'. I looked after both of my girls and I was a very active dad, hockey karate, church I was there as much as I could and sometimes I felt like a single dad.
My love for my ex wife ended the day my daughter told me that mum and her young handsome Karate instructor were holding hands when they went into town after training.... I challenged my ex and she admitted to an innaprporiate relationship which had been going on for six months. I blamed the meds and tried to work through this...then two further innapropriate relationships were discovered and to cut a long story short we decided to remain married until our daughter was old enough to understand. It was ok but not healthy and then I met someone and fell in love.
I was honest and told my ex wife and we planned the divorce, although my ex was very upset about it was all amicable until Solicitors became involved, then my ex started to suggest that she would get a better payout at court if I she alleged violence, i took no notice of this at first until she started drinking and presented a bruise on her arm to me, she said that she had fallen agaist a door frame and then later told me that she was going to lie to the judge and take me to the cleaners, during which she admitted to the three affairs - this conversation I recorded on my phone. I was arrested for assualt, produced the recording and the Police took no further action and advised me to move out ASAP. I did so but the circumstances dictated that I couldnt actually have that deep conversation with my daughter her what was going on. Then my ex threw out every single possession of mine to the dump, including medals, very sentinemtal items from a recent deceased relative.
My ex got a petition in before me for unreasonable behaviour? but I accepted this and progressed the Divorce. I had a contact order awarded for alternate weekends and every other contact and visit was by mutual arrangement.
Contact with my daughter became an issue from then on, I saw her once only overnight in my new home, we built furniture flat pack furniture together but it was pretty much a sad weekend. My ex in laws were really difficult and would put the phone down whenever I rang to speak with my daughter, my ex blocked my numbers and then reported me for harrassment? I was prevented from seeing my daughter over xmas and my ex then rang the Police again when I came to give my daughter her xmas presents, obviously I hadnt done anything wrong so they didnt need to 'deal' with me.
So I felt I was between a rock and a hard place, I couldnt jeopardise my own job with the threat of the Police being called every time I tried to contact my daughter. So i tried writing to my daughter by sending cards to her at school, this caused more harrassment allegations from my ex, then my daughter was to receive an award at school, i desperately wanted to come and ordered a ticket from school, my ex found out and she caused a situation where I was unable to go and harrowingly the school rang me to say they understood my predicament but my daughter wouldnt go if I did. I was heartbroken.
And this has been the situation ever since, of course I wanted to do something, I investigated cafcass but they advised me early on that if my daughter doesnt want to see me then unfortunately that was that. I could have killed myself ten times over. ( I have now remarried and very happy) but this situation with my daughter, and for my mum and dad too feels like a breavement it really does (I humbly apologise to anyone who has lost a child)
So, not only me but my parents were now missing out on seeing their grandaughter, I regularly email my ex for photo's of my daughter and I have sent a USB stick, she hasnt even told me where my daughter lives. All i have is the school, I do know where they live as I checked the web when she sold the house...
It has been a very hard three whole years since I last saw my beautiful daughter who is now nearly 15, I still get the same response from my ex that my daughter doesnt want anything to do with me. I send a card to my daughter every month and have colelcted her presents for xmas and birthdays. I also send her gifts until one was returned to sender in my daughters hand writing. that really hurt.
You are probably thinking solicitors, court and orders, but because I incurred a hug amount of debt and the child maintenance payments and my own living costs I simply cannot afford the cost of solicitors, every month I am overdrawn, I havent the financial resources to mount a campaign to try cafcass again. whereas my ex no matter how hard my pleading she responds with more threats of reporting me for harrassment. I have copied a recent email thread which explains where I am..... any decent advice out there??
Me to ex - Thanks for your reply, I donβt wish to drag this out...but you identified a crucial point in your email saying βyou may get a shock at she saysβ thatβs just it, what does she say, please can she take a little time and write to me and explain. This would be the first and only ever explanation I have ever had.
I share your concern that (my daughters) wellbeing is priceless, and as such please evidence your quote that I bully her?
I honestly mean this that I am about rebuilding bridges, family is the most important aspect of life, my child is the most important part of my life, and life moves forward, children need their parents, both of them so that have the good in both. Our marriage regrettably broke down due to both of us, for a variety of reasons. I have learnt a great deal about myself as a result of the divorce and being apart from (my daughter) for so long, I could never begin to explain the pain I have felt and not wishing to dramatise the effect of your comments β(my daughter) doesnβt want youβ thatβs like being stabbed through the heart with a blunt knife, I hope you never feel that pain.
You are or were a person of faith, as (my daughter), she goes to a faith school whoβs ethos is about love and family and forgiveness. Why canβt you help to move this situation forward, positively for the good of all of us?
ex to me - Let me be clear, (my daughter) wish is to have nothing to do with you and she wants you to know nothing about her. School matters until she leaves the (school), most likely at 16, you can find out from them. After that time (my daughter) is an adult and you can bully her no longer.
Court, continue as you will, but you may get a shock at what she says, as previously stated, the cost is meaningless, her wellbeing is priceless. My solicitor will be in touch as necessary.
I read this thread a few times and tried to out myself in your shoes.
I'll admit it was very sad to read, and my heart completely goes out to you.
The only advice I can honestly give is what I think I would do if it was me, which is going to court for access.
I know you said you don't have the money but in all honesty it can be done without it. On low income you can get exemption from court fees. Mediation still has funding for those on low income and if you represent yourself in court it's the price of a good suit and a day off work.
With regard to your daughter, they would no doubt do a wishes and feelings report, but at least then her true opinion can be heard. Please remember that while wishes and feelings are very important in the case, they are not the be all and end all. The decision is made on a number of factors.
If you were to be awarded contact Cafcass have certain protocol for parents who have been absent for a number of years ( through choice or against their will).
The only other thing I can say, is to keep strong and not give up.
The most important thing is that your daughter knows you are fighting for her every day.
I can't add much to dad's comments - I'm not sure about the wisdom of going to court purely because of her age, in about a year, any court order will be irrelevant, and it might be best to wait until then when your ex has much less influence on your daughter, but having said that, if I was in your position, I don't know that I could leave it for another year.
It's a heartbreaker but I tend to agree with actd... If you took this to court and its contested (as I sure it would be) it could drag on for over a year, by which time any order a court could make would be defunct.
Your ex has it seems has successfully alienated your daughter completely at this point, if she is sending you things back and it's in her handwriting then that's a safe assumption. She is still under the umbrella of influence, she won't want to upset her mother and so it's easier for her to go along with it all. None of it is her fault, you must hold onto to that and as she becomes more independent from her mother she may start to think for herself.
I think it might help you to understand the dynamics of parental alienation. There is a marvellous woman called Karen Woodall who is a recognised expert in the field of PA. she has a website and runs a clinic and has written books on the subject.she can be contacted via her website and it might help to contact her.
www.karenwoodall.wordpress.com
Thanks for this Nanny Jane, Karen Woodall hits the nail on the head!... your advice about court is right, morally and listening to my heart, I should go to court and do everything possible to try for contact. But you're right about it being contested and the fact that the courts may struggle with the parental alienation aspect. I may end up alienating her myself through this process.
Please may I ask your opinion on keeping contact with my daughter, I still send cards, they are dignified and always positive, I never blame or criticise - I send photos that my mum has of past holidays with funny anecdotal stories of happy times... would you do anything else or have idea's which would trigger her thinking that this parental alientation has happened, or do I simply wait...
thanks again
I completely agree with Nannyjane,she expresses what I thought.
For what it's worth...I would continue to send cards etc as you have done because
one day the penny will drop and she will realise that you have always been there.
Take care
Kirsten
...... she will realise that you have always been there.
Absolutely π Beautifully written :}
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