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I’m stuck and need an idea of what help to ask for now
Has anyone any experience of ways of reconnecting with a child after more than 3 years of no contact? There has been one way indirect contact by me all the time but with no response as the ex won’t encourage (child) as in her words “it’s their choice to read or respond” and she “supports their choice to decide for themselves”
The words of the guardian were “she is being passively compliant with the order to encourage (child) to respond to indirect contact rather than actively compliant” the judge said “she not doing anything other than paying lip service to the order and allowing (child) to choose in way that (child) should not have that burden at such an age”
Any ideas of what the guardian should try to or who to approach because she has pretty much intimated to me that she is clueless of what to do best for (child) other than leave me out the equation as i am allegedly the only thing in (child’s) life that upsets them!
Had it been 3years ago i would have said do what previous have done…use a contact centre or one on one supported contact like has been done in the very early years of this dispute and was proven that (child) has no issues being with me or no issues over me with (child) no safeguarding concerns ever.
Now it’s been so long that is the problem i’m being faced with despite everyone saying the same thing….contact should never have been allowed to stop in the first place by her!
My Mackenzie Friend has said that my case is now above his capabilities and that i really need to seek legal counsel – that is simply a non-starter as i cannot find the funds since I’m paying out for the Psychologist report – maxed out on credit!
So i am truly out of ideas….can anyone help me?
Spoke with the guardian and have been told that they can clearly see the history of alienation in my case (as per Psychologist sees) however, having spoken with my ex who will not accept that any of this is her doing the guardian is at a loss on how to help my (child) reconnect with me.
The Psychologist has said (child) needs therapy to process their alleged anger towards me based on the now years of alienation by the ex…
the guardian agrees (child) needs this therapy and it’s better to do it than to not do anything but is at a loss of how to be able to ensure any progress in therapy is un-picked by (child) being with my ex 24/7.
They won’t change residence to me as my ex now has another child with her partner and courts won’t split up a family unless there are serious risk to child.
The Psychologist and guardian have both also said that due to the ex’s personality traits (passive aggressive / narcissistic traits, that counselling / therapy for her wouldn’t work as she doesn’t believe she is in the wrong and will not accept her actions have impacted on our child to the point of (child) now fearing being away from her and in my company.
I’m heartbroken that the courts and CAFCASS idiot in 2015 allowed my ex to do this to our (child) and i just have to accept it and likely never see my child again.
If only there was some way to hold them accountable for splitting up a father and child….all we decent fathers need is someone within the legal profession to take on CAFCASS for splitting children from separated parents!
It stinks that the ex’s can get away with committing perjury in family court and nothing gets done about it when they are found out and proven to be a liar!
5 years ago i was filled with hope for the future for my child and me because the ex’s lies had been shown in court and the judge threatened her with penalties should she break his order again….
3 years ago i was left in shock that the CAFCASS refused to take in to account the previous 5yrs of broken contact and orders and that a “temporary” judge sat on the final hearing 2yrs ago despite it being reserved to a different judge simply went with CAFCASS flawed recommendations
now because of that CAFCASS person – who was removed from the case by the current Judge due to the inconsistencies and flaws in her reports and refusal to consider the previous 5yrs of case history in this dispute….and because of that person and my ex’s tactics in alienation….. I may never see or hear from my child again.
All because of a mother’s lies to her child!
It’s absolutely criminal what has happened to you and your child Dad-i-d... you’ve been sorely let down multiple times, but that doesn’t solve the huge problem that you’re now faced with.
I really don’t have any suggestions on how to move this forward, I would still like to see the mother held in contempt, if she doesn’t accept wrongdoing she should be made to answer for what she has done... let’s face it, it couldn’t damage your relationship with your child any more, as that was done long ago.
I feel for you and what has happened is a disgrace.
Stay strong
Dad-i-d, there's so much I want to write I don't even know where to start.
I'll start with you. In a lot of what you write, it's clear you area stuck in the past. Make no mistake, you have been a victim and what happened to you was incredibly wrong, yet that mentality won't help you and it won't help your son.
As far as your child reconnecting with you, that's unlikely to happen while he remains in the care of his mother. She is the cause of the issue, and unless the court takes that power away from her, nothing will change.
It's not true that courts won't split up a family in cases of parental alienation. A recent example of that is B (change of residence; parental alienation) [2017] EWFC B24 ( https://www.familylawhub.co.uk/default.aspx?i=ce5826 ). The girl had two sisters from a different father, and they still moved her away from the abusing mother. You need to bring this to the attention of the court, and potentially use it if you have the strength to go on and appeal.
Make no mistake, what your ex is doing to your son IS A SERIOUS RISK TO THE CHILD. Your child is being abused by his mother. Whoever told you the court shouldn't transfer residence to you and proposes a no contact order, show them paragraph 75 of that judgment:
" ... it might bring IB instant relief in the short term but he was very concerned about the consequences in the long term. As sure as night follows day, there would come a time when IB could think more rationally and clearly for herself and she would want to see her father. He went on to say there will be a storm brewing on the horizon ... "
and Paragraph 96:
"The mother's case is that IB would be harmed by being forced to move against her wishes and Mr. Spooner said that she has been wholly disempowered by this and he does not think that these are her true wishes and feelings. She is carrying a significant emotional burden and it is affecting her at school and her life."
Today we have a lot of young adults who have been alienated as children. Their voices are starting to be heard and this is what they have had to say:
"How could anyone rely on a word I said back then? I was scared, I was terrified in fact and I just wanted it all to stop. So much so that I would have said anything about my dad to make it stop. I thought they were going to help me but all they did was write down what I said and then they told my dad. I was so ashamed because underneath I realised how much I had hurt him. I was so ashamed and scared that I made myself forget about it and never saw him again, which of course made my mum really happy. I have had to live with that for nearly fifteen years now. How could they do that to a child?"
"I cannot make a decision, I cannot work out what I want in my own life, I don't know how I feel from day to day and I am met with this feeling of paralysis, a sensation of being arrested in the moment when I am confronted by change. I can't explain it. I am silenced by it and I have no idea what I can do about it. It is only by looking at what happened to me during that time, when I understand that those feelings of blackness which descended upon me each time I was to see my mother are not that I was going mad but that I was trying to cope, that I begin to unravel why I felt such hatred for my mother for all of those years. I didn't hate her, I loved her. And I am at times, eaten alive by guilt and anger for all those lost years"
The court's primary responsability is prevent your child from coming into harm. From what I can tell in your case that is not happening. Having correctly identified alienation, they are allowing your child to remain in the care of his abuser.
If you want to quit and get your sanity back, no one will blame you. If you want to go on, apply for a trasnfer of residence, quote "B (change of residence; parental alienation) [2017]" and if you get a no contact order appeal and move on to a higher court. However you really need to focus on your son, how he's feeling and how you can make it work, and forget about what happened in the past, as hard as it is.
Sorry dad i d you've been through it worse than anyone I've dealt with 🙁
One would hope that with the guardian and psychologists report that the court will have to find some way of going forward.
Are you with a District Judge or Circuit Judge? Perhaps the matter needs to go up to the next tier for further consideration?
Worth contacting the bar pro bono unit again?
Yoda,
Its back at district level judge, this one though really seems to have the ex worked out though...the only issueni have is the unpredictable nature of CAFCASS and the so called expert in psychology that they brought in.
Think they all know I'll continue to jump through hoops but the real upsetting thing is they all say nothing they can do to make the ex listen so no point in her having to get psychological therapy for her actions.
Bar Pro Bono are a waste of time if you're north of Watford.
The only way I can fight on ismtomwin the lottery or find a barrister willing to work for food
For anyone else reading this post
Keep on - never give up. When speaking to the Judge, always talk about how your child is going to be affected. Don't blame your partner, dont say "I want ..." as the court is only interested in your child.
Blame the system ( I did and the Judge agreed)
Get your case heard in front of a Judge. Most magistrates arent sufficiently qualified to understand the dangers of a child being alienated.
Important: do a subject access request to any professionals who have been involved - including cafcass. I found a key discrepancy in the SAR and the notes cafcass presented to court. It helped and the Psychologist noticed this discrepancy as well. Its quoted in the transcript.
Thanks for quoting Re B (change of residence; parental alienation) [2017] EWFC B24
I can confirm the outcome was good in that case.
Never give up
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