[Solved] Hope a mum can ask some advice here

Whatever the reasons behind your split, he will be raw and hurting and the financial impacts on him will be difficult, as I'm sure they are for you. However, the children need to have essentials at each home.

When I split with my ex, we shared our belongings out equally and worked out how much it would cost each of us to replace essential items and split the cost between us so that our children had 2 comfortable homes. Maybe that's something you could consider?

Knowing what I went through with my kids Dad and what my partner has gone through with his exes, I would strongly advise that you both attend Mediation together and try to agree a way forward that is fair on everyone and best suits your children.

Hi,

I agree with a lot of what has been said, I think as I said before, the way he will be feeling about the break up and you moving out with the children will impact his actions.

I don't understand why he cancels contact when asked about when they children will be returned though, that stikes me as odd and actually a resonable question, but as said maybe the tone of the question could be behind it.

Although not an ideal long tern option but for short term and to allow extended contact, maybe a suggestion of the children sleeping in his bed and he either sleeps on the floor or sofa on the weekends they are with him could help, he would then feel that he has some freedom with the children over the time aspect of having them and won't feel as restricted. I know they wouldn't sleep as well being in the same bed but if it's every other weekend they will have plenty of time to recover between visits.

I would say an email would be good way of talking at the moment, and maybe be a little more patient and understanding to how he may be feeling about things.

If you make some allowences and offer some more freedom around contact and he is still cancelling contact time then that would be a different story.

I'm sure this must be hard on you aswell and we are happy to support you through it in any way we can, with advice ect but the children need to be the main priority and having contact with both of you is very important, if you can crack the contact side of things and gain a good routine the rest won't be as difficult.

Emotions will always run high when you seperate and any little thing will become huge when it doesn't really need to be, you say he normally returns the children home early when he has had them so why not try not asking when he will return them, but instead ask him to just give you a text when he is ready to return them so you can make sure your home and ready for them.

GTTS

Some interesting comments, some of which I struggle to agree with but I did ask for opinions so thank you.

Mediation: I have attended a MIAM. I have asked him to mediate. The mediation company have written to him 3 or 4 times. He has not contacted them. He says to me he can't afford to mediate. I can't see what else I can do on that one other than mention it again every now and then, unless I pay his mediation fee and I really don't see why I should have to do that. I will not sit down with him without a mediator because it will turn ugly on his part. I am willing to mediate but I want a trained third party there. I also think there is a good chance he would refuse to mediate even if I did pay his costs. Historically he hasn't been interested in hearing other people's viewpoints. However I have offered it, I am willing to do it but I'm not willing to pay his costs. Money is as tight for me as it is for him, if not more so.

The circumstances in which I left the house. We agreed that I would take the children's bedroom furniture. We agreed how we would split the household furniture. I took some and left some but it was with his agreement. I offered to leave him the children's ready bed we kept for sleepovers and to buy another ready bed so the girls could stay over. He refused my offer and didn't give a reason why. I can't afford to buy a bed for them to have there and I don't see why I should have to either when actually his income is higher than mine and his outgoings are lower than mine.

I suppose they could sleep in his bed but he always refused for them to come in the bed when we lived together so I don't think he would go for that. I will suggest it.

However I don't think he really wants to see them very much and that's the honest truth. He has not once, since we moved out, contacted me to ask to see them. I have offered a contact pattern, he has criticised it but not offered alternatives and he has sporadically seen them.

If we don't get the finances sorted soon I won't be able to afford to continue to rent and I will have to move back. The children are subject to a Team Around The Child due to their anxieties as a result of being exposed to his emotional abuse towards me. I agreed to the TAC because the alternative was a referral to social services. If I were to move back then unless he moved out I am pretty sure a referral would be made. If he moved out, his housing costs would be higher unless he just rented a room. It's in both our interests to sort things out and I wish I could get him to see that.

Perhaps you could get a family member to mediate as a third party? Funding for mediation is available for people on benefits or a low income, I think that should be extended. If you paying for mediation gets things moving then it might be a small price to pay in the long run, this is the advice we often give to dads when the mother is digging her heels in and refusing mediation on financial grounds.

You mention that there was emotional abuse and you wouldn't sit down with him without a third party present because it would turn ugly. It's surprising that you were able to sit down and work out how to share out the household furniture in a fair and equitable way in those circumstances...or was it that he just agreed to whatever you suggested at the time? He may have been unable to negotiate, it's possible this was the situation.

If it was your idea to split then I would imagine his mental state wouldn't be conducive to discussing much of anything... I'm not taking sides here but I still think that 3 months is no time at all to get back on track, he may be in denial, not wanting to face up to the reality of his situation. He's going to have to leave his home and start again at some point and this may be too much for him to deal with...he may be suffering from depression.

I think the problems you are experiencing with him all boil down to his mental state and bullying and ultimatums won't help. From what you say he sounds like a stubborn man, nothing unusual there, I'm a stubborn woman! But if that's the case you would do well to tailor your approach...try and put yourself in his place.

Relate might help if you can get him to go...it's not just about helping couples to work things out, it's also about helping couples to separate and working with the family to lessen the impact.

I agree with most of what NJ has said here.... My partner had to pay for his ex to go to Mediation in order to get her there & that advice is quite often given here. At the end of the day, if it moves things forward it's not that big a deal or amount of money.

3 months isn't much time for everyone to be used to the new situations and have agreements up and running. My advice would be give yourself and your ex some time, do what you can for the children to ensure their emotional well-being in the meantime.

As NJ said, Relate might be a compromise on Mediating and you may have more success getting him to that?