[Solved] Hope a mum can ask some advice here

I hear what you say and I suspect he may think slightly differently. Try mediation before you goto court. ITt may avoid the pain and cost and prolonged anguish of court. Mediation is available for free under certain criteria and I am afraid you will need to demonstrate you attended before it progresses to court.

The only thing I would say from the information you have provided he wants unrestricted access to his kids. You should not play judge nor jury in defining his access. He clearly has been there for them for 5/6 years and proabbly done a reasonable job of it. Ask him what exactly he wants in terms of access to the kids. Fix this. Sort the kids, money hopefully sort itself accrodingly. In a court of law if your only asset is the house in cases they can recommend the sale of a house.

Good luck to you all, especially the kids and hope they are not hurt in such in difficult time and situation.

Hi Dallandra

We have no problem at all with mums asking for advice - while we are predominantly a dad's site, our overriding concern is always the welfare of the children so we are happy to give advice to any parent who is after opinions or advice as to what is best for the children, so welcome on here.

I agree entirely with Boycie's opinion that mediation is the way forward. While your ex may want access when it suits him, children generally are much happier with routine so I don't think he can just come and go as he pleases - it's unfair on the children and it's not fair on you. You are obviously not trying to restrict access, but I wonder whether perhaps you should suggest a fixed routine that he can adhere to, with the added proviso that he can have additional contact as long as he gives reasonable notice, and most importantly, sticks to that routine. If he does, then you will hopefully be happy to give him more contact and hopefully the children will have a much better time with both of you.

I would go and see a family solicitor for at least an initial consulation - the finances really need to be settled as part of the divorce process.

Hi Dallandra

We have no problem at all with mums asking for advice - while we are predominantly a dad's site, our overriding concern is always the welfare of the children so we are happy to give advice to any parent who is after opinions or advice as to what is best for the children, so welcome on here.

I will second that we are very proud to be non biased, and actually I respect the fact your asking for advice on whether your being fair.

I think you are being fair, however maybe the way this comes accross to him isn't in the right way, as already said there needs to be some boundaries and routine, but to him you are the evil one who has broken the home and taken the children away from him, you are the one who has made him so short of money that he can't do the things you ask of him, and you are the one dictating when he should see his children and when they should be back.

Now I'm sure none of the above is true, but in his eyes that's how it probably feels, you split 3 months ago so things are still very raw, and any request from you made to him will most likely feel like you sticking the knife in (again I know this won't be the case).

A lot af what's happening now will probably settle and get better as time goes on, but in the mean time a lot af the issues will come from how things are requested, try and not make things sound like demands, I know when I left my ex, it was like pulling teeth to try and get anything from her, and a lot of what got me wound up was how anything was approached, I would take instant dislike to anything asked of me due to how it was said.

Mediation would be a great place to start as the mediator would help to promote conversation, and help to build a structured routine that puts the children first, but as you've said he won't attend then that will be difficult.

I wish you luck and please stick around and interact and give your oppinions to other members, your not the only female here so your not alone, and a females point of view can be very valuable at times.

GTTS

Hi

Are you allowing the children to stay overnight with him? You ask for an opinion but you haven't outlined what you have offered so it's very difficult to comment.

Separation is always difficult and I know from other fathers here that meeting maintenance payments can be difficult and one of the main complaints is that after living expenses are paid too there is little or nothing left in the pot to spend on the kids. That can mean no treats or days out.

It's still early days and it's always better for all the family to try and remain amicable...the children need both parents in their lives.

Thanks for the replies.

At the moment he is not having them overnight because he hasn't got anywhere for them to sleep. I moved the children's beds with me and he has not provided an alternative.

He has not asked to have them overnight; I have said once he has somewhere for them to sleep (even a ready bed), he can have them overnight and I am happy for him to take them overnight on holiday or to see family. He hasn't taken me up on that.

Currently my offer is alternate Saturdays 10-5, with each of us doing one leg of journey until he is able to have them overnight when it can be alternate weekends Friday night to Sunday night.

He wants me to drop them off and collect them and for me to drop them off at 10 and he return them when he feels like it. If I ask for more clarity on time he cancels the contact. Currently we don't have a set timetable because we can't agree on one. I just want him to agree he will drop them back e.g. between 4 and 6 and will call if it's going to be later but he won't do that.

I did offer for him to see them one evening a week too but he has not taken me up on that.

Finance-wise, I want the house to be sold, the deposit my parents made which is protected in a Declaration of Trust returned to them and the remaining equity split 3:2 in his favour. I don't want maintenance other than child maintenance (which we have agreed on) and I don't want any of his pension.

He will not discuss finances at all.

Hope that is clearer.

May I be clear you are not keen on him having the kids at present as you have taken the childrens beds from their home and so now he doesnt have any beds? To clarify the beds from their bedrooms were taken by you without discussion with him and now you say will only allow overnight once they have a bed to sleep in their bedrooms which they enjoyed for 5 and 6 years growing up? Have you actually checked he doesnt have beds?

Its not an offer or a bargaining tool as you state your offer is sat 10-5.

There are no issues relating to harm or risk and this is only one issue of welfare.

You have been reasonable to continue to propose contact, but rather than perhaps discuss it with us why not speak with him. What is it that he wants - why not see what he suggests. On his proposal of returning them you should be able to ask perhaps he drops them with sufficient notice you can plan their tea/bathtime.

On the midweek - does he want to have his kids overnight?

The fact that you set up a declaration of trust is already a bad start that the relationship was not built on trust. Once your married, I am not sure how enforceable the trust is in the event of divorce as you all start off equally.

Im not here to judge you but please just think of your kids and how much they would benefit from having their father in their lives. Clearly take care of yourself as you have left for a reason (be it emotional abuse, falling apart, or whether you left him for someone else) - but put your needs aside and perhaps spend the time trying to explore what he wants and the children should get.

BW

My first preference was for him to move out and me and the children remain in the home.

When he refused to do so, I moved out myself with the children and we agreed that I would take the children's bedroom furniture to furnish their new home.

He has told me he has not bought anything for them to sleep on. However he has also not expressed any interest in having them overnight. He has thus far usually returned them earlier than we agreed.

I have asked him to tell me what he wants so that we can try to mediate a discussion but he does not offer any alternatives, he just refuses what I suggest.

Hi Dallandra....
Maybe he is just hurt....macho as men can be...underneath they can be fragile but tend not to show it so readily.
Sometimes it hits men harder when a relationship comes to an end....
Have you tried writing/mailing him in an objective way rather than the " I want you to do x y z "
which we woman can be very good at from time to time....:)
Perhaps mediation is something you could consider?

I agree that children need to have stability and routine but he needs to understand that when he has the children he needs
to be able to say when he intends to return them.
The children need their dad and I am glad to read that you are all for contact....just as a thought...have you
considered "shared parenting "?
My second son and his ex co-parent their son and this has worked out very well, although straight after the split with emotions running amok it was a little fragile.
Both my son and his ex have new partners in their life but continue to share the parenting....and my grandson is a happy little boy who feels at home in both his mums and our house.

Take care
Kirsten

Could the children not just bunk in with him for the time being? Just to keep the bond? My kids love nothing more than all diving in with me, obviously it's not good long term but personally from a woman's point of view, I'd be happy for my kids to do it.

...so your offer is 14 hours a month and no overnights because you took the children's bedroom furniture....he's already said money is tight, how can he afford to replace them in three months? Did you take the bedding too?

If you were the one to instigate the split he will be really hurting, three months is hardly any time at all for him to get back on his feet.

As he has stayed on in the house I would imagine that he will still have to pay all the bills etc and find the extra maintenance money.. I think you're asking a lot from him expecting him to sort himself out in such a short space of time.

Why don't you try helping him to get replacement bedroom furniture and just be a little more patient whilst he gets his head round what has happened. There are charities that have household goods that they offer at very reasonable prices or places like EBay, Freegle or Freecycle, all good for finding free or cheap furniture.

Christ almighty I think you should give the man a break, I feel sorry for the poor fella 🙁

I bought my ex absolutely everything she could have possibly wanted for my child I decorated her full house every room including my Daughters nursery, I bought a cot, moses basket, baby monitor, numerous toys games ect for her other Daughter she then hired a skip and binned absolutely everything over 3k's worth then proceeded to tell every man and his dog that I had completely blanked her and hadn't supported her through out the pregnancy or supported her financially in any way.

I had to sell my sports car all my musical equipment and I got into a huge debt she then said I couldn't have my Daughter at my house as I didn't have anything for her to sleep in ect and by this time I was skint and on the verge of suicide trying to come to terms with the relationship breakdown, having a baby losing my best friend all in one go whilst I had her barking orders when and when I couldn't see my daughter so I understand how your ex must be feeling.

Do you think he may actually be tell the truth when he say's he is skint?

I would love for him to come on this site and tell his side of the story and I bet the poor man's desperate and could do with the help and support we could offer.