Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi, new member here, writing because I'm concerned we're doing everything right.
My husband has a 14 year old daughter who, until last month, lived with her mother in a different city. Before that, she came to us at weekends and during holidays. Her relationship with her mum had become increasingly problematic until she realised she couldn't handle it any longer and decided she wanted to live with us. It wasn't ideal as she didn't want to switch schools but after a lot of discussion she decided it was best. The whole time we tried to be as objective yet supportive as possible. The final decision was all hers. Naturally, her mother wasn't very happy but accepted it in the end - to a point. She has basically given her all her belongings, with no real attempt at reconciliation. We thought we could swap round, and she'd go to her mum's at the weekends. For mum, it seems that it's all or nothing though. Until they make up (not looking likely any time soon), my stepdaughter has no intention of going to see her. In the meantime, we managed to find a school for her and she's settling in.
My question is does he have parental responsibility in this situation? And if not, should he go about getting it? His name is on the birth certificate but she was born in 2002, before the law made this automatic. The school has accepted it without question. Her old school too. We are about to apply for child benefit and tax credits. I'm concerned that we're not doing everything 'right'. My main concern is that my stepdaughter now has the stability that she needs to get through her GCSEs in the next year and a half and the last thing we need is to mess something up.
Thanks, and wishing you all the best.
Hi There,
.
I'm not 100% certain about the PR, but if you wanted to make things settled, you could apply to the courts for a residency order which would state that your step daughter lived with you, this would stop the mother from being able to just come and take her home, as it stands if there is nothing in place, then this could happen, even more so if there was any court influence before which laid out when she would see your partner as that order would stil stand.
.
A residency order would just tie everything up and insure your step daughter knows where she will be and also you would have security too.
.
GTTS
Hi Orko
If he was married to the mother, even after the birth of their daughter, then he would have PR, if not then he won't, as the law that you mention didn't change until December 2003.
If he doesn't have it, do you think the mother would agree to a Parental Responsibility Agreement? It's a lot easier than going to court, it's just a matter of getting a form filled out and signed and then registering it with the Registrar. He could put that to her, I doubt she wants to have to travel to court, as your husband would apply to a court local to you, signing an agreement would be the lesser of two evils.
It's not imperative to get PR, I doubt the mother would be able to remove her without her agreement, it would be difficult to remove a 14 year old without her consent.
It sounds like you have done everything correctly, because of your step daughters age, I doubt PR will cause an issue, he is named as her father on the BC and that should be good enough. The only time that I can foresee a possible issue would be when applying for a passport.
Your step daughters wishes and feelings carry a lot of weight at her age, so if you were to apply for a Child Arrangements Order for her to live with you, it would be fairly straightforward and can be done at the same time as a PR application. He would have to attempt mediation before an application could be made though, but there would be no reason why he couldnt self represent, which would keep the costs to a minimum. An application for a CAO and PR would be £215. Mediation also carries a cost, but I'm pretty sure the mediator would agree to just sign off the form, without needing involvement from the mother, so you're looking at £80 - £100 and shopping round you might get it cheaper.
Best of luck
Thank you both for your replies. Mum seems to have accepted her lot. I would go as far as saying she was almost too enthusiastic about kicking her daughter out, so it seems unlikely she'll come over to claim her back any time soon. If she were to do that I don't think (step)daughter would agree to it anyway.
As for a parental responsibility agreement (they weren't married), I don't think she'd agree to that out of the blue and while things are still fresh and she's angry. However, it seems we'll need to do that to get a passport sorted for her. The only issue is that she loves to get at dad at any cost, regardless of the impact on (step)daughter.
Regarding the child arrangements order, it seems unnecessary for now unless mum kicks up a fuss and (step)daughter requests it. We've always made it very clear that she lives with whom she wants. The only thing is that we'd strongly advise she stays in school until GCSEs are over.
I've talked to my husband about this since I posted and he is reluctant to rock the boat unless we have to. He will fight if necessary but while things are OK, he's not worried. Once again though, thank you. I am the sort of person who needs to be informed otherwise I worry about the unknown!
Although at age 14 a child's wishes are usually paramount, there is still an expectation the parents will decide arrangements and set schedules to give the child security and certainty. I would advise attending mediation to resolve any outstanding issues and to agree a way forward for contact with the mother. It's important that the child is encouraged to have a relationship with her mother and it might be worth looking into mediation or family sessions that they could all attend together to build some of these bridges.
I would say give them a little time, once all the highly charged emotions settle down, they will start talking again hopefully. I hope the mother, being the adult, will make the first move and start trying to build bridges. Mum is probably hurt too that their daughter chose her Dad above her.
Best of luck to you all
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.