[Solved] Here we go again

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear this. If you go back to court again, can you get some consequences put into the order if she breaks it again?

Hey mate,

What actually happened that has resulted in contact being cancelled today?

What has your ex said to you that is abusive? What led to her saying it?

Maybe we can figure out a way forward without things totally blowing up.

Simon.

I had the drip drip of texts yesterday saying she might or might not cancel contact today as she said my daughter was off her food and had a slight temperature when I know she was fine as she was round her sisters all afternoon yesterday and her sister said my daughter was perfectly fine, in each text yesterday she was implying in each one that I was not to cause any issues today and that she was merely warning me that contact might not take place.

I then get a text this morning saying contact is cancelled because "my daughter is not herself" She then said I don't take care of my daughter properly when I have her at her sisters house, apparently I don't change her nappy enough and I don't fit it correctly, I don't put enough cream on her because of her nappy rash, I don't feed her or give her enough to drink, she has also implied that I am trying to take over her family because she has found out that I babysit her sisters kids every week.

I replied once to her texts last night nice as pie and I've replied once today also nice as pie kept it short and sweet and I have not rose to anything, theres not a lot I can do except take her **** as usual get these next 2 months over treat that as the first strike out of 3 before I take the [censored] back to court.

I need to get some contact under my belt at my home on my own so I can go back to court for more contact through the week and overnights they have said this must start by the start of march in the order so It looks like I'm going to have to suffer her [censored] till then and hopefully she won't cancel anymore contact so it's going to be 2 weeks from when i seen my girl and the consistency has been broken again.

It seems she is lining me up to say I can't have my girl alone now as she doesnt trust me to look after her she has also said I am not allowed to have my girl on my own at my house and that her sister must be present thats on top of the other conditions that she has laid down such as I'm not allowed to take any photographs, I'm not allowed to leave her sisters house or my house with her, none of my family are allowed to see her either it's a complete joke.

Sent you a pm slim .

Slim,

I read over the info you sent me. In the order the progression of contact is set out very clearly i.e dates and locations and duration. In an ideal world, your ex would comply with these instructions from the court. Obviously as far as today goes, she hasn't complied and has cancelled contact.

Of course it's very frustrating and disappointing that she would cancel the contact today under the guise of "our daughter is not feeling well". I can imagine it's very annoying too when you know your daughter was perfectly fine the day beforehand. So if that's the case, what has sparked her to do this?

You had said that all had been going well between you and your ex, that things had been amicable and you had been civil to one another. So something must be going on in her head to have prompted this course of action.

Perhaps she just cannot accept that things are going well and feels a compulsion to try and exert some form of control over the situation. You mention that she has insisted on a series of rules you must follow and comply with. This suggests to me she very much wants to retain control of the situation and make you feel she is calling the shots. Why would she do this? Most likely because she sees things going so well, and inside, she cannot handle it. I remember from her statement that she claimed your daughter was extremely dependent on her and no one else could provide the care she does. This in my mind comes across as highly self centered. And now that she sees you and your daughter getting on great and being cared for well, she cannot handle it.

In my own situation, I have had criticisms from the ex about whether our son gets enough nap time when with me, or about what I feed him or when. Of course it is petty stuff for her to be coming up with when I know my son is well fed when with me, gets his naps when he wants them. But in my ex's mind, it will never be good enough, because of her hatred towards me. However, what is most telling is that her own mother and partner invite me to their house every sunday when I'm in the north east and regularly tell me what a good job I do with my son. So the point here is, don't listen to negative and silly criticism your ex makes towards you. It is just done for her to make you feel bad, and also to justify in her mind her cancelling contact.

I found her messages towards you by text rather strange too. It was like she was repeatedly saying "I'm cancelling contact tomorrow. Are you ok with that?

And when you said, "Yes that's fine." She would not just leave it at that, she had to come back and say something like. " Di you not understand, I'm cancelling contact, are you not pissed off about that?"

It was like she was attempting to tip you over the edge and get you to blow up. If you did it would have just reinforced the lies she had made up about you being abusive towards her.

I think going forward, perhaps here it is best to give her the benefit of the doubt and go along with your daughter was ill scenario. You have contact next weekend, so hopefully that will proceed as planned. If not, you have 2 back to back incidences of contact being breached.

Keep logs of all that happens. Because if you do have to go back to court to enforce the order, you will have solid evidence as to your ex playing up. If your daughter was so ill she could attend the contact centre, then why was she out and about the day before? Also why was she not taken to the doctor if the illness was so severe? Those are questions any rational and logical mind would ask, so I'm sure a judge would too.

Obviously just keep cool and calm, hope that contact proceeds next week, and just keep doing what you are doing. Your ex is insignificant, don't let her draw you into stupid games and arguments.

Simon.

excellent simon brilliant advice as always you are completely correct in every way and you have read the situation to a T, I am playing it exactly as you have suggested I've just found out that she took both girls out for dinner with the father of my step daughter looks like they are playing happy families now, unreal.

She's doing everything possible to try and get a rise out of me again I'm just gutted I couldn't see my girl today I was really looking forward to it even seeing her for 2 hours a week is a killer it should be at the very least 2-3 times a week it's so frustrating.

I think your ex's actions definitely do not back up what comes out of her mouth. For her to say your daughter is ill and cannot go to a contact session is one thing, but to then take her out to dinner with another ex partner is another. There is no consistency there at all. I can only imagine how annoyed you must be feeling to know that she cancelled contact for no good reason.

When all is said and done though, your ex is the one that is not acting in the child's best interests. She should be promoting contact, not looking for reasons to disrupt it or cancel it.

At the end of the day though you cannot control how she behaves or how her mind works. It's clear she is volatile in her behaviour and you have done well to manage her over these last weeks since the final hearing. So if you are doing all you can to make contact work, and to keep things civil between you and her, and he then goes and messes it all up be behaving the way she does, that is no reflection on you. Maybe things will get back on track next weekend, and this little episode will all just be a flash in the pan. If it isn't, you will have been keeping detailed records of what she has done to breach the order and what she has said to you. So if you have no other option but to take her back to court for repeatedly cancelling contact, she will again look a fool in front of the judge.

It's a shame these women are control freaks. Things would be so much simpler if they just cooperated rather then trying to dominate all the time.

Simon.

Oh Slim, I'm sad to read this.

I agree 100% with everything that Simon has said.

You're not daft, you've been keeping the bundles up to date and you know to log everything.

Given your final hearing was so recent, you will be able to write to the court asking for their assistance without having to fill out C79's etc.

You know where we all are if you need help.

Sending best wishes to you, last thing you need after the last year. 🙁

Yeah I'm going to write to the courts the next time she cancels save applying for a enforcement good plan, I've got a text today offering 2 hours extra contact next sat to make up for this one, it's just utter bull**** I'm sick of having to pander to her [censored] she's still dictating what she wants If we don't come to an agreement by the end of march on prolonged contact, overnight stays and special occasions like the court has ordered I'd rather go back to court and get a more solid order set in place I'll just suffer it until then and get some contact under my belt at mine so my girl is comfortable here then I've got some bargaining power for them to set a better order more solid.

Well certainly take the extra 2 hours - it sounds like she's pushing the boundaries, but if she pushes too far, then you need to point out that your daughter needs consistency and that your ex has to stick to the court order or you'll have her back in court for enforcement.

Yeah I have done I'm just trying to avoid getting into a slagging match with her over text if I even suggest anything why stopping contact upsets our girl or is not in her best interests she gets her back up, I've been nice as pie and only replied twice just agreeing with her to keep the peace it's all tiring, I don't know what's come over her as she's been quiet as a mouse since the final hearing and we've just met at drop offs we've had no reason to contact each other, it seems like she's just been pushing me to see if I kick off this weekend.