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Hello, my name is Roger and I’m 32. I currently have 2 small children with my ex partner and am now in an amazingly supportive and happy relationship with a new partner and her 3 children. A [censored] of a lot of children I know but I love them all dearly.
The reason I am on here is to ask for help with a situation I have been going through with my ex partner before meeting my new partner and during my new relationship.
Before my new relationship I was controlled and emotionally abused by my ex up until meeting my new partner. A few things involved included :-
She is adamant I don’t feed the kids and demands pictures and videos every weekend as proof. Even if I didn’t have the children I had to prove what I was doing in my free time.
Controlling my life away from her telling me I can’t go out some weekends after dropping kids off.
Constantly calling me a [censored] father
Saying once that I’m not allowed to bath my children because she believes I’d drown them
Telling me I can’t take my kids to Drayton manor cus I would stay in a pub and let them go off on their own
Demanding me to come to her house or I’m a [censored] father
If I don’t do as she asks she Denys me access to my kids
Constant money demands. Bills, loans, bits for the kids even though I paid maintenance. It left me with no money for 2 weeks every month but she demanded still. Sometimes I had to use my credit card just to satisfy her and then I could see my children
Her mum and Nan being abusive at the door when I went to pick kids up or drop them off also on 2 occasions my children were ripped out of my arms screaming for me due to them not wanting me to have contact
Using threatening behaviour when I didn’t jump to commands “ do as I say or their will be consequences”
Calling my parents child abusers because they smacked me as a child. Not overdoing it but just chastising.
During my new relationship she even tried to split me and my partner up by telling me to choose between my kids and her due to her believing my partner was violent even though she isn’t.
I just really need advice on what I could do legally or any other means to stop this as it is affecting my children and my partners children. She’s even stooped as low as attacking my mum in town and also a few days ago shouting child abuser in town at my mum in front of my partners children. The littlest child of my partners is 4 and my daughter is 4 and they love each other so much to the point they call each other sisters. When I got into town my partners 4 year old was in bits saying she couldn’t see grace anymore because of my ex.
Any help would be much appreciated.
You definitely need to get control back of your own life. With regards to maintenance, I think it's worth you opening a case with CMS (check the CMS calculator first to give you a good idea of what you'll be paying - don't forget to input that you have your partner's 3 children at home you are also financially responsible for. Opening a case will cost you £20, but once this is set up, you are not liable for any payment outside this at all, so you need to be firm about this (you can buy you children anything you want to, but that's at your discretion). If your ex is abusing your mother of other family members, then they need to report her to the police when it happens - she needs to understand that she can't continue to get away with this behaviour.
If she restricts contact, then go for mediation straight away and if that doesn't work, then you need to look at going to court.
Most likely she's acting this way because she thinks she can and because you are happy settling in your new relationship.
If you have any of the emotional abuse in writing then that's gold fella....If not then consider recording any handover for your protection.
Most smartphones have a recording app these days.
Avoid face to face confrontation with her if can be avoided....I would personally ask for handover to be in a neutral public venue and i would record them.
You are liable for maintenance of the kids as actd says.....that's all you have to provide, she gets child tax credits for everything else.
However, it's up to you if you want to contribute any extra towards clothing, holidays etc...
I would get everything down in writing with what you should be paying and tell her anything else is at your discretion and if she prevents further contact due to extortionate demands then you may seek legal advice regarding contact.
If she kicks off then it's mediation MAIM before you can apply for a child arrangements order. C100 form
Don't be a doormat unless you have to.
Hi there
This is a sorry state of affairs for you, I can completely understand how you have been worn down by your ex's behaviour and demands, effectively you are being held to ransom, with your children being used to make you do as she demands. The behaviour she displays is akin to narcisstic personality disorder, it's unlikely to improve.
Her controlling behaviour is unhealthy and will impact on your children, it has already started with her attacks on your mum, when she had the children with her... actd is absolutely right, this behaviour must be tackled, if it happens again I urge you and your mum to report it to the police.
Once you make a stand you have to expect that things will get worse, and be prepared for it. It's likely that she will stop contact once you start any kind of action, such as mediation, but don't let that prevent you from your chosen course. Her behaviour will get worse as she tries to regain control.
Limit communication with her, don't put yourself in a position where she or her family can intimidate you. It's better if you can keep all communication via text or email. Keep a record of everything that is said to you, or effects the children and the rest of your family.
Contact a mediation service, here's a link
www.nfm.org.uk
Arrange an appointment with a mediator and talk through your issues and what you would like to happen, the mediator will make contact with your ex and ask her to attend... it will be at this point that she will react and stop contact, you will need to be strong and purposeful, but we will advise and support you as much as we can.
Any questions, please don't hesitate to ask
All the best
First of all Thank you for all your help.
I have attempted mediation and she didn’t attend, I am currently in proceedings of going to court and my court date is in 2 days time. We have involved the police who aren’t doing anything as she denies involvements and they put it down to [censored] for tat.
I’m wondering if during my child arrangements order in court it would be benefitting to enlighten them to her ways because I know for a fact she’ll fight for sole custody and make out how horrible I am.
My 2 children love me to pieces and once my 4 year old daughter tried to confide in me about how nasty her mum is but she was stopped by her mum who said “she’s 4 years old and is too young to know what she’s saying”
It’s difficult and stressful but I’m prepared to go the long haul for my children so they have me in their lives and to reunite them with my partners 3 who they love very much.
I may even request supervised visits just so I can prove how much they love me and to just be able to see them again.
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