[Solved] help over access

Hi Dangermouse,

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. It must be incredibly difficult for you at the moment and I understand how you must feel. I didn't see my little boy for several months last year and it made me miserable.

Anyway I'm glad that you've made your way to DadTalk. Welcome. You're amongst friends.

You mention that you're waiting for a court date. Can I assume that you've instructed a solicitor to act on your behalf? As you've probably been told contact is the right of the child, rather than the parent. And as your ex is the resident parent she can control the level of contact that you have with your child, but you can challenge this and ask for a court to intervene. The courts view contact with both parents as an important part of a child's life, unless contact poses some kind of risk to the child.

Clearly your ex is going to say that she has concerns about your illness and the court will no doubt require further information and request a report. Mental illness isn't a crime and being treated for it does not mean that you won't see your child, but it does mean that, initially at least, contact may have to be supervised whilst the court collects all the information it needs to make a decision.

Look after yourself and stay positive. The court process can be long and frustrating, but you're doing the right thing.

Filmmaker_1970

We're you married to your son's mother? Does your name appear on the birth certificate?

thankyou filmmaker1970 yeah ive instucted a soliciter just waiting for the court date now , i wasnt married to his mother basically we split up when she pregnant not my choice hers,she signed the certificate without me knowing about when she was going to to sign it so i wouldnt be on it very devious

Hi Dangermouse
A few years ago, I took custody of my girls and went to court to get a residency order, and get contact restricted to twice a month at a contact centre, and then later to get this reduced to once a month (my ex wasn't turning up to half of them, so getting it reduced just made this a legal arrangement) - I didn't lie to the court, partly because I simply wouldn't do that, and partly because the truth of her actions, and her alcohol addiction meant I didn't need to.
What this does mean is that I'm on the other side from where you are, so I can advise on the basis of I know what my ex did wrong.
Firstly, you say you’ve had a problem with alcohol – my advice (after you've spoken to your solicitor) is to admit that you have had a problem in the past, and that you have sought/are seeking help for it. I would say that the chances are that the court is going to ask for testing for alcoholism, so get the test done before the court hearing, and present the results to them – being proactive is even better than simply complying with a court request, and will show the court that you are acknowledging the problem and doing something about it. You are looking for (if I remember correctly) GGT and AST tests – the Trimega lab,amongst others, will do these test. You’ll need an interpretation of these results, I think that may be included in the tests, but also may be available on the website.
Secondly, I think it’s extremely likely that the court will expect contact to be supervise at first, so find the contact centre, and find out when their contact is – my local centre is twice per month, and there’s another that’s every week, so have a word with them and see how often they would be able to take you if you are referred, then take that to court and say that you want that as a starting point – it’s supervised so your ex can’t object that your son is in any danger. The court could ask for initial contact to be observed by CAFCASS, so again, suggest this yourself before the court asks as a gesture of faith.
Contact centres are generally only supposed to be a short term solution (though my daughter has been going for over 5 years now), so try to draw up a timetable for reducing the need for the contact centre. Realistically, I don’t think you can expect time alone with your son for a long time ahead, but you could suggest short periods away from the contact centre after a few months, with this time increasing each month until the contact centre becomes a handover point only.
Long term, you could try to get overnight contact with the condition that your parents are present – that gives the court an extra safety measure, and also means that your son has contact with his extended family, something the courts would certainly be happy with.
If you can draw up a long term plan for a contact order, it may reduce the necessity for you to go back to court for a variation, which will keep your costs and your stress levels down. Whatever the court does rule, make sure you stick to it to the letter, and that you don’t miss any contacts that you are allowed unless there is an very good reason and you have given as much notice as possible.

It seems to me that your ex is going to continue to make this difficult for you, as she's been fairly obstructive from the very begining. I'm not going to lie to you Dangermouse, it's going to be an uphill struggle a lot of the time, but focus on your little boy and endure. You will find the strength to deal with this, especially if you make sure that you surround yourself with people that love you 😀

I'm sure that the court will appoint a CAFCASS officer to your case and, given that your ex will bring up your medical history, they'll probably request some kind of medical report that assesses your current state of health. This is standard practice in these situations. It can, and probably will, drag on. So prepare yourself for that. Think of your little boy and suck it up. In terms of your quest for parental responsibility the court will no doubt want to establish that you're the biological father and a DNA test will be ordered.

What has your solicitor advised? ACTD has made some excellent suggestions. I would imagine that whilst reports are being prepared your solicitor may ask for an interim contact order. Your ex is going to try and stop this, but I think the court will likely grant you supervised contact. Ask your solicitor if he/she feels it's reasonable to request 2-3 hours contact every other week to begin with. The court will tread cautiously so contact is is likely to take place in a contact centre, but at least it's regular contact and something that you can build on.

As a further point what I said above - when I was going to court, the cost to me were averaging around £4,000 per hearing with preparation and lawyers time in courts. Anything you can do (such as having any tests possible done in advance) to reduce the number of hearings will reduce your overall costs considerably. There is no harm in telling the court that you would like to get everything sorted out in as few hearings as possible to keep your costs down.

As a further point what I said above - when I was going to court, the cost to me were averaging around £4,000 per hearing with preparation and lawyers time in courts. Anything you can do (such as having any tests possible done in advance) to reduce the number of hearings will reduce your overall costs considerably. There is no harm in telling the court that you would like to get everything sorted out in as few hearings as possible to keep your costs down.

What an excellent suggestion!

hi i was in court last week the ex was there with her new chap trying to antogonise me didnt work niether did her posting pictures of the two of them together but heres the question cafcass have not phoned me nor have they interviewed me the only contact was a quick shake of the hand two minutes before i went into court is this normal ? my soliciter thinks so but i feel im being stitched up . the case has been put back till the end of january whilst i have a psychiatric test done on me i feel wornout and fed up

Hi,

Considering what you have said about yourself, I would have expected your ex to raise this with Cafcass, and that the court and cafcass would want a lengthier discussion. They may be waiting until the evaluation you are having, and then depending on the outcome of this, the judge at the next hearing may order a full report from Cafcass. Having said this, procedures have changed since I went to court, so it might be worth having another word with your solicitor, and possibly giving Cafcass a ring to ask them about it - I certainly would not expect them to do a report without speaking to you.

Hi dangermouse,

This is quite unusual of CAFCASS to just greet you "with a handshake" 😕

Agree with actd that owed to the fact you have an ongoing condition so to speak the court will always have to err on the side of caution. A range of tests will occur.

The best policy with CAFCASS is to be completely honest. Refrain from badmouthing/bashing as CAFCASS can and do include their take on your stance in reports...

One thing i would also say is that if you do not have PR you could also look at having this raised throughout your application... if it is turned down you can apply for PR independently and this can be done without the need of Solicitors.

had the phychiatric report done it came back really well they said i was present fine and recommended by them to get supervised access iniatially was in court last week the judge by what he was saying wanted to grant access but caffcass hadnt done there report or were even present at court it was adjorned for two week which as led to being put in the middle of next month.

they also want a drug and alcohol test i expected this but her team who are organising it are stalling im sure so that they can get another delay.

as im a artist to go with his presents i thought he would be able to keep them and look at them incase this goes wrong for me i drawn two pictures one of my son and one of his mother and i explained on the one of his mother "this was your mother when we first met " i ment nothing by it except that it was the first picture i had of her.her and her team are saying that that im talking about her in the pastense like im going to do planning on doing something to her this is utter nonsense i would never harm her i tried to do something nice and it backfired it in hindsight was a stupid thing to do if i had drew a pic of my gran id have put something similar like this was gran in 2000 but now once again they are questioning my mental health.

yesterday a stand in soliciter mines away told me this could potentially rumble on until november

what more can she do or throw at me ?

i think is is going to kill me ive lost over 4 stone and im losing more as i never feel like eating and im smoking more that always a sign with me of increased stress.