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I am at the end of my tether with ex over access to my daughter.
My daughter is 2 1/2 years old. I found out my ex was pregnant after we split up needless to say that this part of my life was rather stressful. Once I got used to the idea that I was going to be a dad I wanted to be involved in the pregnancy. Originally agreed that my ex could pick the name as long as she had my surname. After not being aloud at the birth, when we went to register her birth my ex told me that my daughter would have her surname. Wanting to keep amicable and not jeapordise any access I agreed. Initially everything was fine but then after about 4 months she stopped access. I contacted solicitors who sent numerous letters and eventually was advised to accept supervised access. My ex claimed that I was an unfit father. Due to that on one occasion she had a wet nappy when I returned her (I live an hour away). And on another day returned her smelling of smoke (I don't smoke!). I accepted the supervised access which is 4 hours per week. (is actually normally 2-3 hours). This has been going on for 2 years now and each time I bring up more access and bringing her to my house to spend proper time with me and my family she says no maybe when she's older. I have since married and have a 3 year old stepson. Neither my new wife or SS have ever met my daughter and again when I broach the subject I am told that they don't need to meet her as they won't be a part of her life. My ex started a new relationship when she was 5 months pregnant (which is a same [censored] relationship), I dont think they live together but I know that they all go on holiday together and that she also sleeps over a few times a week.
I am at a point where I think the only option is to go through the courts. But having looked into the cost of a solicitor and fees just can't afford it. Having looked through the forum see that it is possible to do all this myself. I'm just advice on the process, likely outcome and costs. What I would like is to have my daughter every other weekend because my job entails working every other weekend.
Hi and welcome to the forum
Unfortunately, yours isn't an uncommon story. Your first step is to attempt mediation as a judge will want to see that you have at least attempted this, and it is possible that your ex will start to listen. The unfortunate thing is that, I believe, that this service can be a little costly - other dads may be able to help more with this. If mediation doesn't succeed, or your ex refuses to attend, then you can go to court for a contact order. The cost is around ΓΒ£200 for this, and that should be your only expense except time and effort. As you have no solicitor acting for you, the CCLC will be able to give you advice if needed.
I've looked into mediation but I knowmy ex wouldn't stick to the agreement
You have to at least attempt mediation these days before you go into court, and if you do reach an agreement, then you can get this written into a contact order. Yoji knows far more about this procedure than I do, and I'm sure he'll pop on and post some advice, so keep checking back here.
Hi and welcome,
actd is right if you don't attemp mediation first the chances are the judge will send you there and you will still have to go through it before you get any where.
and as he says if you do manage to reach an agreement the court can right it into an order for you so you'll achieve the same goal.
If you can't reach an agreement then at least you have been and tried so can explian to the judge that court is the final option.
Representing yourself isnt as hard as you would think and Yoji has posted step by step instructions so it's worth looking through them.
Hi frustratedfather,
Sorry to hear of your situation. As actd has said its not uncommon.
I have a few questions:
1) What contact are you getting currently? Is this regular i.e. (Every Saturday or Sunday)
2) What efforts have you made to re-assure Mum? This may seem a silly question, however there is method to the madness...
In relation to Court and Darren is correct but it is not strictly so regarding the Mediation. Somehow this myth that is floating round that you must attend Mediation (and tbh i generally peddle that Mediation will be an "expectation" rather than a "must go" when it comes to Court, and while yes Court will expect you to attend Mediation, or at least go for an Initial Meeting it is not something that is set in stone. If you have reasons why Mediation will not be suitable i.e. you cannot afford it or given your ex is a long way, your employer may not permit you the time off work every fortnight etc.
A few bits for you to consider now:
- If you qualify for Legal Aid, Mediation is usually free through a provider
- Sessions would otherwise cost between ΓΒ£50-ΓΒ£150+VAT per hour
- Write to your ex directly and or her Solicitor to state that you are wanting guaranteed access time. The pessimist in me says that this will be unsuccessful or refused.
- Next you will need to raise a Contact Order (C100) to the Courts... i really wouldn't bother with Mediation... there is a section in this C100 that covers mediation... a simple: "THE FATHER FEELS THAT MEDIATION AGREEMENTS WOULD BE BROKEN ON THE PART OF THE MOTHER AND HE IS SEEKING GUARANTEED CONTACT WITH [X] (Childs Name)"... therefore it is up to you to attend from the Court hearing provided circumstances in this post are met/not met
- A C100 costs ΓΒ£0-ΓΒ£200 + Other expenses (i.e. Travel, time off work as this needs to be held at the Court local to the Child)
If you do however opt for Mediation you need to be clear from the outset that: "Any agreement reached through Mediation will be brought back to Court to be put into a Legally binding Contact Order (Order of Contact)" It is important this is said at both the Court hearings and also to the Mediator(s).
If you have any further questions, please feel free to post π
Thanks Yoji
Currently i see mydaughter every Wednesday for about 3-4 hours. However this is subject to change. At present I have not seen her for 4 weeks. 1 due to not getting time off work. 2 weeks because she had measles. 1 week because I was unwell. As to re-assuring my ex. I'm not quite sure what you mean. I have gone along with all my exs requests and demands without question hoping that eventually I would get more time. She asks me not to go if i have a cold so as not to pass it on to her however she later throws it back at me if i stay away!
She is willing to leave her on her own with me while she goes shopping!
She claims that my house is too far away to take her and claims she is carsick.
Hi
One more thing - you need to keep a diary of all events, conversations, messages etc - it will be useful if you go to court.
Does your ex drive? If so, how come your daughter isn't car sick when with your ex. If she doesn't drive, then how would she know that your daughter get's car sick. As for staying away because you have a cold, that's a very feeble excuse - what's going to happen when she's at school - parents won't keep their children away if they have colds etc, so she's going to come into contact with a lot of it (and it's a good thing anyway).
Hi frustratedfather,
Once a week is not nearly sufficient in order that you build up a bond with your daughter. Especially for the hours you are stating.
In short if you are applying to Court a reasonable expectation in my opinion is:
Friday/Saturday overnight + a midweek contact. However of course you can apply for what you want... but be reasonable. You've already stated that your work may have issues or you have trouble getting time off work. Therefore maybe an element of reasonable access needs to be considered.
No if you have a cold you should still facilitate contact regardless of what your ex is saying. Don't worry if at Court/Mediation this is mentioned they will dismiss this off hand.
Agree with actd here too regarding the car sickness... its not unknown but highly unlikely your daughter at such a young age suffers car sickness. In fact i've yet to meet a parent who has told me that their ~4year olds suffer from car sickness.
Also i'd start the ball rolling with the Court Process after Christmas too...
Keep hanging in there and have a Merry Christmas π
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