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HELP ME DADS, PLEAS...
 
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[Solved] HELP ME DADS, PLEASE!

 
(@Scott74)
Trusted Member Registered

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing ok.

I need your help guys, and I really mean that. I don't know what I can do, and things are coming to the end with the Court Hearings and CAFCASS etc...and I've been screwed to the wall. I want to know what you guys would do in my situation, and if you can suggest anything that I haven't thought of. Maybe you have had a similar experience etc..either way, I am shortly gonna have to accept that my Children don't want to see me, and that is it. I will only have the cards/letters that I send them every week, and any presents, but no Direct Contact, until the kids grow up, until maybe they are Adults, until(if ever), they want to see me. All the time they live with their Evil Mother, this will not happen, let me tell you that for certain.

I got a Mid Way Report from the Domestic Violence Course that I have to attend, and it was fine, it didn't say anything really bad. Problem is that CAFCASS then had to write their report based on the other one, and what they stated was shocking. CAFCASS stated(out of nowhere) that I was "A Risk to the Mother and the Children"!!

The DVPP(people at the Violence Course) told me that they didn't know why CAFCASS had said such a thing, and that they did not feel I was in any way a risk to my ex, or the children. They wouldn't however, endorse me, or put anything down on paper to back me, or deny what CAFCASS had claimed. The Course(DVPP) said they would speak to CAFCASS the next day, to ask them what they were thinking of. They made out they were on my side. The following day, they had spoken to CAFCASS and said to me that perhaps I had misread the report, and read too much into the wording!? So I read the CAFCASS report to her, and she then said that maybe I should speak to CAFCASS, and not her. It was a flippin joke bro.

So, my ex no doubt has told my children there is an actual report from CAFCASS that states that I am a "Risk" to her and them. My kids, especially my 11 year old son, will now(understandably) be very worried, and scared of me. I believe my ex is kind of "Grooming" my son, in a very unhealthy and worrying way.

In Court, her Barrister(based on the CAFCASS report) even asks that the Non Molestation Order(that runs out very shortly), be extended, and it now also include the Children, because CAFCASS have stated they are at Risk!! Luckily, thank God, it was kind of explained that CAFCASS didn't mean I was a "Physical Risk"to her, or the Children, so they were not included in the Order. However guys(as you can imagine), the damage has been done to the Children, who now think I'm De Niro in Cape Fear!

CAFCASS have recommended that my cards/letters be sent to the CCI for a short period, so they can look at the cards with the Children, away from anyone, so they might feel more comfortable about writing back, but this is not gonna happen, they've been brainwashed. I though, initially, this was a good thing, and that a third party reading the cards to the kids could only be a positive, but I have now been told that all my future cards/letters must be sent direct to my ex, and I must also send a copy of them to CAFCASS(who will pass them on to the CCI). Clearly then, the cards/letters can be vetted twice, by Mother, and CAFCASS, before they even get to the CCI(Child Contact Intervention). Basically, in this way, I can never write anything even remotely personal or emotional to my kids(especially my son), so it perpetuates their hatred for me, as my cards are always jolly, asking about school etc and talking about the football etc. My son will wonder why the [censored] I act so cavalier and cheerful, and don't even mention anything about where I have been etc. Although I tell the kids every week how much I love them and miss them, my son in particular, after all his mother says about me, must be miffed by my lack of response to what has happened to him and his sister. Thing is, I'm not able to say anything, as she would never let them see the card, if I did. I'm stuffed.

So, if you guys were soon to be told that the decision was conclusive, and you would not see your 11 year old, and 6 year old for years to come, and that your only contact with them would have to go to their mother, your psycho ex, how would you feel? Also, once CAFCASS have walked away, whats to stop her destroying the cards/letters, as there is noone around anymore to make sure she is passing them on to the kids. I know nothing about them anymore. I have no idea what school my son will be going to in September, I've been wiped out of their lives, period.

I have a Solicitor, and Barrister, but the bottom line is, that if at the end of it, in September, my son still says he doesn't want to see me, then he and his sister will not have to see me, that's it. CAFCASS are liars, and totally biased. How can my 11 year old son have all of this put on his young shoulders, all the responsibility, all this power. This is abuse in intself. Meantime, I just get to sit here for 6 months, on top of whats already been a year. But, like everyone tells me, I've just got to write off the next few years, and hopefully be able to see the children when they're older. Great.

Peace, S74

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Topic starter Posted : 18/03/2017 5:20 pm
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

I'm so sorry to hear this... you've been asked to jump through all these hoops with no progress seeming to be made. I wish these women could be made to understand the damage they do by lying and manipulating the children and courts in this way, and yes, be punished for it!

You still have the final hearing and you need to present a strong case, this is your opportunity to question CAFCASS on their recommendations and your barrister should present case law to back up why your children aren't old enough to have the final say, or be given the power to decide on contact with you, when there is some signs of parental alienation ...this is tantamount to abuse.

Look at the Welfare Checklist and apply it to your children and their situation, you need to do your research and give your legal team firm instructions on how you want them to present your case.

I suggest that every letter you write, you keep a copy and place it in a keepsake/memory box for your children. Even if you are pushed out of their lives at the final hearing, you can still expect indirect contact, if your ex decided to wield her control and deny even this contact with your children, at least you will have duplicated everything you sent, ready for the time that you are reunited. You can put photos and gifts...anything that you want really and it will be an enduring record of your love for them.

Some estranged dads open an email account and write to their children this way, in the hope that one day they can share them with their children. You may be limited in what you can say in the cards and letter that are vetted, but no such limitation exists if you choose to do this. I would say that you shouldn't bad mouth their mother, as awful as she has behaved, she is still their mother and they will love her....it won't help to attack her when you are finally reunited, trust me I know this from experience.

I wish I could be more constructive, you just have to see this fight to the end and do all you can to show the court that it is in your children's best interests to have you in their lives.

All the best

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19/03/2017 7:05 pm
(@Scott74)
Trusted Member Registered

Hey Mojo,

Thanks for the support, and the suggestions, I will do as you recommend.

I am so worried about the kids, and the harm my ex is doing to them. In stead of giving the children emotional support at this difficult time in their lives, she is really damaging them, and I said it before, it's grooming, especially of my son. I think I would be horrified if I were a fly on the wall in that house one night. I know her, and I know what she is capable of. My son will be receiving compliments and treats, and tickles etc in return for his loyalty. When I lived there, I would discover very disturbing things were taking place whilst I was at work at night. The one common denominator was my children having to do things to their mother, in return for staying up late etc.

Sometimes I would see their mothers back was literally covered in felt tip pen. Every colour you can imagine, her whole back, covered with squiggles. She would tell me it was none of my business, then cover herself up. I would ask the children, and they would tell me that they 1) Had to draw on her bare back to stay up later. 2) My son had to hold her second biggest toe, and pull it, making it click(which is really awful if you don't like hearing clicks etc). 3) My son would have to use a fork, or some tweasers, to scatch his mothers back, making it sometimes bleed. At the very least, it had to be done hard enough to leave scratches all over her back. When ever I confronted her about such things, she became very short with me, and would make out to the kids that I was starting about something. I wasn't, I was just concerned that the children were performing acts that should only be performed by an adult partner, and even then, it shouldn't be like they should have to do it either. Very odd, very disturbing. Sadly, the children would no doubt deny any of this now. They don't stand a chance against her. If I didn't, they certainly don't. They cannot see what she is all about, and perhaps never will.

The Hearing I just had, was another Dispute Resolution hearing. They keep adjourning it, and they have now booked another Dispute Resolution hearing for September, and another hearing(possibly a Final hearing, over two days), a few weeks later. Before Septembers hearing, the DVPP will provide another report based on my attendance at the Course. CAFCASS then submit their Adendum report, and this will have their final recommendations regarding Direct Contact with the Children.
As far as I am concerned(not just because ive spent £10k already), but once I see the CAFCASS report, and I go to the September hearing, then that is it, and I have no intention of going to any other bs hearings, if their recommendations are for no direct contact, as there is no point. Even my Barrister agreed. As long as my son doesn't change his mind about seeing me(which surprise surprise, he won't), then I'm stuffed. My daughter then, will also not have to see me, as they realise she will get stick if she sees me, whilst her brother does not. It is totally unreal. CAFCASS have time and again, ignored me, and not replied to my emails. They didn't even want to see the last conversation my son and I had via text, which proved that we were close, and tender toward each other, initially, after my ex got me to leave the family home. CAFCASS never paid any attention to that very significant fact, and never met with me to see the text?

I will say one more thing, and it got me thinking. I asked my Barrister(after the hearing), if he could recall any similar cases to mine, and their outcome? He said that there was one that was "Burned into his memory". He said there was a father, quite similar to me, a loving father. There had been a split with the mother, and it was unpleasant(like my situation). Unlike my situation, CAFCASS wrote a report that recommended that the father see the children. To all intent and purpose, this man won the case, and was gonna see his kids, and should have been over the moon with joy. On leaving the court, this man thanked the Barrister for all his efforts, but told him he was "walking away". The Barrister was confused and sked what he meant? The Dad explained that he was so worried how the mother would treat the kids, now they were going to see their Dad, that he would rather walk away from them, and save them the constant mental abuse regarding their father. He knew his ex so well, and what she was capable of, that he made that decision to walk away. I realised then, that my Barrister totally gets my ex, and it isn't just because I am paying him. He's my third Barrister to date, and the only one who really recognises what my ex is all about, and how she works. I don't want to walk away from my kids Mojo, but by God, I fear for those kids. She has no moral compass, no limits.

Cheers, S74

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 19/03/2017 9:42 pm
(@a1dad2be)
Reputable Member Registered

scott i just feel for you m,ate,, keep going, keep going,

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20/03/2017 2:11 am
 Yoda
(@yoda)
Famed Member

None burned on his memory? I'm sorry but there are a wealth of cases that can be used as case law for Parental Alienation. A final hearing is your best opportunity of challenging CAFCASS if their recommendations do not change & a good barrister will be able to tear a biased report apart so that the judge can make a fair decision. There is also the option of asking for a Family Assistance Order or a Cafcass Monitoring Order at the end of the proceedings so that the court involvement doesn't end at the final hearing.

Wishing you all the best

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20/03/2017 12:50 pm
(@Scott74)
Trusted Member Registered

Hi Yoda,

I hear what you're saying, but I just don't believe(based on everything up until now), that anything would go in my favour. Surely, if my son still says he doesn't want to see me, then the Court isn't going to go against what CAFCASS are telling them. I just don't believe that anything my Barrister says, will influence the judge. I am so tired of this whole process, and the waste of money, as I have not got anywhere so far. So if I go to the Dispute Resolution Hearing in September, then again to a two day hearing(supposedly the Final Hearing), I will have paid all but £3k, and for what?

I had a look at the Orders you said I could ask for at the Final Hearing, and these have to be agreed by everyone, and there's no way my ex is gonna agree, nor CAFCASS.
I have fought this all the way master, but surely the writing is on the wall. I cannot justify going to a Final Hearing, when apart from my Barrister, everyone is against me.

Best Wishes, S74

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 20/03/2017 5:51 pm
(@Scott74)
Trusted Member Registered

Cheers A1, I appreciate the support.

S74

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 20/03/2017 5:52 pm
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

You'll never know if you give up before the end...it's not uncommon for a case to turn on a sixpence; when it all seems to be going one way and at the end things turn around.

You're emotionally drained and fearful...I completely understand how that feels, take some time out, recharge your batteries and you may find the strength to see it to the end. You're on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment...don't make any rash decisions.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20/03/2017 11:46 pm
(@Scott74)
Trusted Member Registered

Hey Mojo,

I hear what you're saying, maybe you're right, but I really think that come the hearing in September, if my son is still saying he doesn't want to see me, and CAFCASS is supporting this, then I have to accept defeat. I have had no life now for a year, and it has made me unwell. You're right, I am totally drained by it all, and I have had enough.
Maybe I will change my mind, but I think not. I've got to start living my life. I can't change the perception my kids have of me, and I am sick of begging, which really is what I have been doing. I lost, I knew I would, but I tried. My son is now stopping me from seeing him and his sister, and regardless of the reasoning behind it, it has sealed my fate. I love my kids more than anything, but there is no more I can do. I have to rebuild my life, and I will always be there for them, but they have to want me too. Even if they can't speak out(if they wanted to), I am powerless to help. I need to accept this hand I have been dealt, and it doesn't mean I have to like it. Best Wishes, S74

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 21/03/2017 8:15 pm
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