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Background: 5yr old been separated since birth. 2 year court case wrapped up a year ago given a decent amount of contact time and shared parent status. Ex got together with someone in the first year and kept him hidden away until he started making his presence known during handovers. Contact started getting messed about and this was when I first applied to court. During the second contact application my daughter told me this man had touched her and told her not to tell anyone. Social services were contacted and I did everything properly however the investigation was a bodge up by SS and the allegation ended up being reversed by my ex who accused me of touching her. This ended up in a 6 week absence from contact until it was reinstated in the final hearing. I also found out through the SS that this guy was funding the court costs of solicitors and barrister to prevent access.
Since then, I have had to tread carefully. My daughter was left with the impression that if she told me something it will cause trouble and she might not see me. Any disclosures that were made freely to me before became highly unlikely and she would not mention this man to me for several weeks. I find it hard to believe she will tell me if it has continued.
Today is her birthday. A day that I had requested to have as contact. I picked her up crying, extremely upset and not wanting to come with me. This has only happened once before about two years ago when there was a lot of obvious brainwashing being done. So that was difficult and while I was at the door waiting this man turns up in his car. He says something to me as I'm waiting but my daughter was crying so I couldn't make it out. I finally pick up my daughter asking her what the problem is and start walking towards the gate (he is parked directly opposite with the window down). He says to me 'you're the problem' so I walk towards him and ask what he said. He repeats you're the problem and sticks his arm out pointing his finger. I push his arm away and he grabs my hand laughing. My ex comes out distressed asking what the [censored] we're doing just as I say you f**** paedophile how dare you touch my daughter. All this is happening while she is in my arms. I ask my ex why he is starting something and tell her to keep him away. He parks up just in front of my van and sits there smiling until I've got her in and we leave.
My problem is this guy obviously. This is the first time he's spoken to me. I've heard some strange backstory of him through the SS and there were some lies being told to my daughter during the court cases where she was said to have repeated some things about her elder sister that I allegedly said. There was also plenty of brainwashing against me and I couldn't pin-point who was telling her these things but I think it's obvious. I had to bite my tongue and accept the SS decision that nobody was abusing her as this removed the implication from me. I've also had to keep my mouth shut since the court case because I don't want to give an impression of a grudge. This is difficult now as of what I said to him this morning. I don't know if the ex will report this to her brief, she is usually keen to get letters sent to me, and i don't know whether this should be reported to the police by me. I have felt hopeless with this situation for a year now but I am still pretty shocked about what happened this morning.
I hope this makes sense. Any advice will be appreciated
Hi there
Feelings are very raw and I can understand how you must be feeling, but it's important that you steer well clear from this kind of confrontation, as you say she could twist this and use it against you. The fact that you had your daughter in your arms is all the more reason to avoid this sort of altercation.
You could try to head this off by speaking to the police about what happened and perhaps write to her solictor and request that their client makes sure that her partner is kept away during handovers in future, due to his abusive behaviour towards you, the obvious ill feelings he has towards you and his wish for a confrontation. Point out that its totally wrong for this to be played out in front of your daughter who was in your arms at the time.
Just as I was about to call the police I got a call from SS. My ex has reported it giving her version of the event which will probably implicate me a lot more than her husband. Now it looks like they'll be sending a SW out for a visit soon. Is writing the letter worth it now? I'm sure the solicitor letter will be getting drafted out to me as I type so if I send her solicitor an email letter tonight it will end up looking like a reply.. Is the police worth it now? It's going to be a case of he did it, no he did it with a 2 against 1 situation now.
I'm thinking today is going to be the last contact for a couple of weeks and I shouldn't be spending it looking at the computer!
...if you contact the police now it will look like [censored] for tat.
All you can do is to deal with the SW when that happens and put your version of events forward. As your ex wasn't there at the beginning she can't say what did and didn't happen.
Perhaps spend an hour writing a record of the events and then enjoy the rest of your time with your daughter.
At least if something like this happens again you will know what to do....I would still write to the solicitor and request that future hand overs happen without her partner being there because of the animosity that he has towards you and the distress this causes your daughter which needs to be avoided at all costs.
The SW contacted me after she had spoken to her manager about this and they decided not to take action. They said to me I'll get a letter about it and that as this is an ongoing thing I should take legal advice. I told them I expect the mother to cancel contact regardless. I'm supposed to have my daughter this weekend starting at some point today - usually a school pick up but this is the only contact date on the order that doesn't have a specified time.
This morning I get a text from the mother cancelling contact. She says my daughter doesn't want to come which is strange because at the handover yesterday afternoon she didn't want to stop cuddling me and saying goodbye. My ex says she wants to get to the bottom of this and has offered to swap contact for next weekend or make up the missing contact next week, I replied asking her politely to reconsider. She is also willing to meet up and speak with me next week and wants to do this with our daughter there.
Obviously we have to talk about her partner so that has to be done away from the child. I haven't said anything to my ex about him yet and no reports have been made by me. I've not received any solicitor letter either.
I'm not sure what she is playing at. On the surface it seems very reasonable but 5 years of experience makes you ultra-cynical. I guess I will have to follow her lead on this otherwise I will look unreasonable, I doubt she will reconsider or even reply to my text.
The issue though is with her partner. Verbally abusing me in front of my daughter, a debatable assault, his response to me calling him a paedophile was to laugh at me. He then made a threat of 'I'll be seeing you' as he turned his car round and parked in front of me and sat there smiling as I put my daughter in the van. I took no notice and made sure she was calm before we drove off but he was clearly trying to provoke me. And this is the first contact I've had with this guy since he's been in my daughters life for over 4 years! I've not said anything about this to her or her family, only the SW so far. My daughter saw that this man was laughing at us whilst she was upset but because of previous brainwashing events I don't know what to say about this.
I've fought my way without making allegations or reports and when I did get the SS involved last year they failed miserably. Everything is so heavily biased to the mother that it seems pointless to start making calls. I've not written the solicitor letter yet as I need to make sure I say the right things and I am questioning how much a letter will rock the boat now that the ex has made a long reasonable-ish text cancelling contact
Turns out she did reply and it was another reasonable text so I acted accordingly and agreed with her proposal of meeting to talk this week. I also said there were things that needed to be discussed away from our daughter. I got no response.
The next day, Saturday afternoon, I get the police at my door wanting to question me because the family (grandparents apparently) got them involved. The allegation made against me is that I threw a punch at this guy and missed him. Bear in mind I am holding my daughter at this time, it seems ludicrous but that's the state of play. The police said they'll be getting in touch with me early this week. This will likely be a NFA unless some dodgy witness appears from nowhere.
I've still not sent a letter to her solicitor and I've not received one yet. Is this worth doing right now considering the ex is up to her old tricks with the local authorities?
Writing a letter to her solicitor at this stage serves to have a paper trail, if you return to court you will have evidence that you tried to resolve the situation without a return to court. It's not unreasonable to ask that her partner stays away during pick ups to prevent further problems, as it impacts badly on your daughter.
Try and keep all communication with your ex in writing, as this provides a record of what has been said etc.
Yeah I know what you're saying and appreciate your comments a lot. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
It's not been the best start to the year and I keep losing myself in between staying calm and present or sticking my head in the sand. I've wanted to try and keep it reasonable not just for record of it but to try and improve things even though I know deep down it's not going to happen. If anything, a meeting with the ex is either going to ruffle one or both of our feathers or it'll be a sticky plaster on a major structural fault.
so I've deliberated until now and the meeting is today at lunch. I could either fire off a letter this morning or hold on to the draft and send it after the meeting as confirmation of what we talk about. I had this idea telling her what I expect and what I'm going to write a letter about would come across more amicable but putting it in b&w it seems more hostile!
So recording today's chat would be advisable then? I'm sure she'll be expecting me to as I have done, or bluffed that I have, at all other times in the past.
Well hopefully you can discuss the issue of her partners attendance at hand overs and agree for him to be away when it happens...not for anyone else's sake except your daughters.
If you can reach any agreements, there's nothing wrong with writing a letter of confirmation afterwards., stating as such. If your meeting goes to plan you could mention at the end that you will put what has been agreed in writing for clarity.
As far as recording the meeting, that's a matter for yourselves, if you record her without her permission you couldn't use it as any part of your evidence should you go to court.
Best of luck for your meeting. π
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