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Hi there! I joined this site a long time ago but never got round to saying hello.
I've been building a new life after breakdown, career collapse, separation and then divorce. Finally on the up I think, I hope!
I haven't seen my young sons for three years, though I do have weekly telephone contact. I'm now, tentatively, hoping to establish proper contact. Any advice or guidance on how to go about it would be very welcome. And if I can offer any advice from my experience, then I'll do my best!
Thanks.
Just discovered that I had posted before, over a year ago! I think my memory has suffered! Anyway, the message is still the same.
Hi and welcome (or welcome back) to the forum,
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What issues are you having trying to establish contact, give us some detail and we can try and help.
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GTTS
Hi and thanks for replying so promptly!
I think it's more of a confidence issue than anything. When I had my breakdown and my wife initiated divorce etc, she really went for the jugular. I was in no shape to defend myself and she cleaned me out. Because I was ill and had no confidence, I believed all she said about me. Public humiliation led to a deep depression which I am only just out of. For a long time I believed my sons were better off without me. I don't believe that anymore. I have some confidence back but I know it is fragile, so I have to be careful. I'm hoping not to have to go through court etc, my boys are 14 and 11, so I suppose I should contact my ex directly and see how she feels about the situation.
There are no legal reasons why my sons should not see me. Yes, I was hospitalised and treated for depression and anxiety, but I am much better now. I'm even doing a little supply teaching work and have had all the disclosure/barred list checks done. I think I just need a push in the right direction and I want my sons to know they have a dad who loves them even if he has moved away.
I'd be grateful for any advice even if it's a kick up the [censored]!
Many thanks
Hi There,
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It seems like you have been through a lot but you are out the other side now.
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The first thing I would do is contact your ex and ask her about having some time with with them, start of small to start, maybe say you would like to take them for Sunday lunch somewhere, you could even make it a family thing with your folks if that's an option, it would be less stress on you and the boys if you have others there, it won't leave you stuck with what to say if that makes sense.
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And from there you could start with trips out for a kick around at the park (if they are into football) or anything else that they would be interested in, if you managed to get the lunch sorted you could ask them what they would like to do if you could arrange it with thier mum.
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It's good that you manage to speak with them regularly so they hopefully won't feel like they have been left with no contact.
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If you are on speaking terms with your ex, maybe next time you call to speak with them, either speak with her before or after you have spoken with the boys, if after don't mention to the boys you are hoping to take them out or that may back fire as your ex may feel "ganged up on" try and be as flexible as possible to start with to see how the ground lies, if your ex isn't willing to entertain you taking them out, then suggest to her that you both attend mediation so you can be open and discuss your views in a calm place with a 3rd party present to keep things on track.
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Hopefully you will get somewhere through either talking with your ex or through mediation, but if that isn't the case you do have the option of the family courts who will hear your case and help you gain something better than you currently have, you can go through court alone and self represent and we can help you through that with advice and guidence.
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The one thing I would say is that if your ex becomes hostile towards you after you ask for some contact, try and keep all contact just with the boys, contact mediation and they will then invite her to attend, if she won't then they will give you a form so that you can apply to court, if you continue to try and contact your ex (if she becomes hostile) she may try and get an order against you for harrasment, we do see this quite often and it can slow things down greatly if you end u in court even if the police drop the claims.
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GTTS
Hi and thanks for your advice. Apologies for not replying sooner.
It's good advice and I appreciate it. I'm going to ask to speak to my ex next time I phone the boys, see how she feels about it. Then, all being well, start off small. Give my boys chance to get used to the idea, after all, they have not seen me for three years so it's going to be a bit strange for them. If she will not co-operate then I'll have to see about mediation. So, go gently I think.
Fingers crossed and thanks again!
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