[Solved] Heartbroken, devastated. Whats the next step?

Hi and welcome to the forum 🙂

First and foremost take a couple of steps back and chill, I can promise you this can and will be sorted out it's just going to have to take a little time. Now to combat making things worse please stop having bad communication with your ex if you can cut it all together and don't go back to her you are leading yourself wide open for further allegations so be very very careful indeed, you will be doing yourself no favours at all trust me.

For the moment the ex has the ball in her courts she can and will do anything to make your life a misery and she has free reign to, You're playing right into her hands so stop it 🙂

This sounds like a carbon copy of my situation and the children are the same ages as mine it's just took me exactly a year to see them again with a court order so FILL OUT THE APPLICATION FORMS NOW!!!! don't leave it till next week the courts take forever and the sooner you do it the better.

I think mediation is out the window as I presume there is bail conditions attached is this correct?

I'm amazed that it's even got to court to be fair, unless you are a major concern to the children don't worry you will be seeing them again.

Hi Slim, thank you for the reply. My head is all over the place. Cant believe this is happening. I will take on board everything youve said. My bail conditions are that im not allowed indirect/direct contact with my ex or her mother. Can i still send a application for a court order whilst on bail? I thought id have to wait until the current DV court case was finished? My solicitor cant believe its going to court either but my ex and her mum are really playing on this scratch/shove. The amount of lies they told in there statement is shocking!

Hi sorry to hear about this, unfortunately it's all too common that this pattern emerges with some Mums.

Slim has given you good advice. I would suggest keeping as much communication as possible in a written format so that you cannot be accused of saying and doing things that you have not.

I'm not sure about whether you will be exempt from mediation, you will need to check the legality of this against any conditions placed against you.

If you do have to attend mediation, if you can't agree with your ex as to the level of contact, that does entitle you to apply to court. Once a week isn't really enough, especially when a child is that young, they need short and regular sessions in order to bond with you.

Sending best wishes and good luck your way 🙂

Hi TopperLDN,

Welcome to the forum, you have come to the right place. Many of us are going through the same thing including myself.

Let me get straight to the point, you cannot bypass mediation. It must be attempted before you can make any application regarding children unless the child is in immediate danger then here you can apply for an emergency application where you wont need mediation, but obviously this doesn't apply in your case.

Look for your local mediation service and they will attempt to make contact with your ex to arrange mediation, if she fails to cooperate then the mediator will sign off your application which you may now use to start court proceedings. (make sure you have some money aside)

Bare in mind court proceedings is a long stressful process and can take up to a year sometimes longer to fully resolve. Also tensions between your ex and her family will certainly be very bitter at this point which will certainly affect the 9 year old. So only go down this route if you really have to. Refrain from contacting her no matter how tempting it is, as from many people here including myself it gives the ex ammunition to make further false accusations.

As crazy as it sounds your best option would be to try and work things out with her and her family as they are in full control since they have the children, let them vent at you if they like, just remain calm and collected and fully child focused. Time really is a healer maybe just backing off for a little while may just cool things down.

As for your second question, YES YES YES any contact is better then no contact and this way you can build on things over time as long as things go smoothly. Eventually trust will be built and she may allow overnight in the future, but don't mention it just now. As a rough guide, courts don't usually allow overnight contact until the child is around 18 months or older. So if the mother doesn't agree at this stage the courts certainly wont for now. As for your step child, it's a tricky one as its not your child and unless you have PR(parental responsibility) which im assuming you don't then this chapter is pretty much closed with the court. Just being real with you mate. Especially if the father is named on the birth certificate.

There's a chap on here, you will probably here from him soon who had lived with his step child for 5 years and still couldn't get anything from the court as the father was still around.

Good luck mate but honestly I think the best thing for you would be to try work things out with her, even it means being her lap dog for a while, at the end of the day its the kids that matter in these situations and fighting her head on will only make you more angry and stressed. But make sure you dont give up no matter what and if you do decide to go down the court route, as long as it may take, you will get access to your child as its the right of every child to have access to both parents

😉

Hi thank you all for your replies. My only concern is that if she did offer visitation for once a week, she wouldnt stick to it. I know 100% she wouldnt give me more access or overnight contact regardless of my daughters age. Id rather have a court order, start of slow and build on it over time if possible? I love my stepson but realise it would be almost impossible to get contact so my main focus is my daughter. I currently receive income support/carers allowance so im going to have to represent myself.

Sometimes it can be the only option to apply for a Child Arrangement Order.

As you're in receipt of benefits you will be entitled to Legal Aid for Mediation and an exemption from the court fees so that should help a little, you will need a form EX160 for the court fee exemption. .

Plenty of Dads on here self rep, have a look through the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, lots of great info to be had there.

There are 2 good helplines to call for free advice, Coram Childrens Legal Centre and Families Need Fathers. FNF also have branch meetings around the country where you can go to get advice and meet other parents in your situation. They are usually run by McKenzie Friends, MF's can be an option for when you're self repping as well, some work for free, there's a list on the FNF website, they do vary in quality as they're not regulated but if you do your homework and get a recommended one they can be helpful.

There's a really good book by Lucy Reed called The Family Court Without a Lawyer, it's a bit pricey at 17.99 but is excellent.

In addition you can ask questions on here and someone will always try to help, we're a friendly bunch 🙂

Yeah I'd agree with 1626 go for the order, You don't want to be a puppy dog to your ex to see your daughter, it's sould destroying pandering to their every whim then they just stop contact again at their will, I tried it with my ex and I completely regret it now as it just prolonged contact with my girls, from what you have explained she seems to change with the wind so I'd be straight on the phone to a mediators and get the ball rolling what you have said you would like to happen is fine and easily doable with a court order, I wouldn't make an issue over the overnights and the courts will push for that in time the main ting is get an order asap 🙂

Thankyou so much for your advice. I genuinely feel that taking the legal route is my only option. She did the same with my stepsons father. I read a sticky called how to represent yourself in court created by yoshi i think? Very inspirational. I think im going to be a regular on this site so look forward to gathering more information and sharing my experiences with you all (:

Exactly what im thinking Slim. Shed definitly cut contact at some point and that would prolong contact with my daughter when shes older.

Maybe im getting a bit ahead of myself but lets say the courts granted me a contact order, started me of slow, would i have to go through the whole process again to get the access increased? Thanks.

Hi there

As your bail conditions state no direct or indirect contact that means you can't speak, write or phone her or her mother and because of this you should be exempt from mediation, discuss this with the mediator. You will still need to contact the mediator so that they can sign off the C100 form that you need to apply to court with. As you are on benefits you will qualify for legal aid to cover the mediators costs and a fee exemption from the court fee, to apply for this yo will need form EX160a. Here's a link to the mediation service

www.nfm.org.uk

At the moment there should be no contact whatsoever between you and your ex, which makes it difficult to arrange contact. If your parents are prepared to contact her to arrange contact and pick the children up and drop them off then I would advise to try and arrange this whilst your application is being processed and you are waiting for your first court date. If she agrees to this then she can't turn round in court and say you are a risk to the children, or demand contact take place in a contact centre as she has already agreed to contact in your home.

You can mention that you would like contact with your step son on the C100 form, it won't hurt your case to do this...as Slim has found out it is difficult to accomplish but after court she may agree to you seeing both children anyway, as has happened in Slims case.

Whatever you do, stick to your guns in court and don't accept any undertakings as far as the assault charge is concerned, if you are innocent then you must fight the charge. If you have to accept an undertaking then agree but insist that it is noted you are not accepting the charge as you are innocent of it.

Here's a link to the FNF meetings that 1626 mentioned to you

www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/local-branch-meetings

Good luck

Yeah I don't think mediation is a possibility because of your bail conditions as NJ said run it pass the mediator first but get on it now today the sooner you get the ball rolling the better, as for the case of ABH contest it left right and centre at the end of the day the courts are going to be more interested if you're a threat to your child not the mother in law.

It's not a case IF they grant you an order it's more like WHEN the courts bend over backwards for a Father to see the child it's the law and they stick to it like glue.
Your case sounds just like mine my ex done the same to my step daughters father, I battled my hardest to get an order to see her too but I was fighting a losing battle and they didnt grant me any contact but the ex has thawed on that and let me see my SD first and foremost concentrate on your child I carried on fighting for my SD so I knew in my own mind I had done my best by her.

I took the line of no contact with my ex I blocked her on FB changed my phone number and severed all lines of communication for me that worked out best as it completely stops anymore allegations I too waited until I got a court order, it was the hardest thing I have ever done but I'm so pleased I've done what I've done as I've got a solid order in place now and the ex can't do jack about it 🙂