[Solved] General / maybe legal advice appreciated

Hi CJH,

I know how you feel mate. It is hard. I even have arguments about hair cuts as well as who he sees and Ive not even got a partner. As for food. My son was in hospital and I took loads in (like you do) and her words were crisps are healthier then fruit and I was not aloud to give him any fruit. It was just because she took nothing in. They can be crazy. So I just stood my ground and when the nurses were there. Got the fruit out and gave it to him. Mainly because the moment he had a poo. He could come out the hospital. He came out the same day. I know the fruit helped. But regarding the hair cut. I just say ok well you can get it cut when you want.
I suppose what I am trying to say is. Pick your arguments. Does it realy matter about the breakfast? Both are good for you. But going on the wii at 6am I would say something and stick my ground.

What I did was try mediation firstly. You have to do this before or if you want to go to court. But you may be able to sort it out that way. Keep a diary and any messages you receive and send. Good and bad from both sides. The only way you can make anything legally binding i through the court system. Which I start in next week. The stress and upset is horid. SO I would advise try and avoid it at all costs. Because then the threats become very large.

It is best to always stay polite mate. Well try. I know its hard but if you keep a record of everything. It will help no end in the future.

Parental responsibly is 50/50. Saying that it is how far to you want to take it. I use the phase. 'When my son is in my care it is my parental responsibility to look after him'. In one of my diaries, I even keep a record of what he eats and volumes. Because I will use it in court. She used to ask me all the time what he was eating. So I just did the same back. I cam up with the excuse. I want to feed him the same sort of food, It has worked in my favor because she feed him connivance food. so instead I make healthy convenience food. and he loves it. but more important I have a record of her feeding unhealthy food and I give healthy food.

I hope this helps a little . There are loads of people on here that can help and support. Believe me I know 🙂

Colin

Thanks for your reply Colin.

Fully taken on board what you say about picking my arguments. You're right, and the details don't matter on certain things. I feel I have to bite my tongue far too often to prevent her from turning something seemingly trivial into a battle of opinions with the threat of being cut off from my child being the choke point. I am going to take your advise about keeping a record about these things, I can see it would be a help if things progress the way I think they eventually will. Politeness is something I pride myself on and the ability to keep my composure has been finely honed from my experience with my sons mother. Good luck with your upcoming court proceedings, it seems you have a good knowledge of how to handle the situation and conduct yourself. I'm sure only good will come of it for you.

Where I feel her expectations are unjustifiable I would like reassurance. What do I need to ask for her permission to do, baring in mind we're talking activities of a weekend and not life altering decisions nor things that would put him at any risk? An example would be a recent overnight stay during my usual weekend of custody at my partners mothers house on the coast, a couple of hours drive away. I let her know where and who we would be staying with in advance as a courtesy, but her view was that I needed her express permission to take him there. A text reads, word for word, "As his main carer all choices have to be cleared with me". Is this right?

You both have equal responsibility for your child. Weather you are with them or not. All my family live a couple of hours away.

Her wording is incorrect. She has the main day to day care but whilst your child is in your care. you are the main carer.

I would try a more diplomatic approach. Don't ask her, but more of we will be going to see our child's grandparents, i presume you mean your seeing them or if not Just a friendly text to say we are going away on this date and I will keep you informed with how he is and we got here ok and back (then I would ask the same back, It frustates my ex to be asked the same questions she asks me. But I have the problem of not being told. But in court I will be using this). More how you word it. Like I say its hard. I bite my teeth so many times. IF you get to go mediation you can express your thoughts and they should help. (My only advice with mediation is stick to your guns. You know what you want and you will need to compromise a little but go in knowing what you will settle for and make sure it is in your childs best interest)
It could just be miscommunication. It is never easy to communicate with an ex. If you do end up going to court this will be seen that she is being the awkward one. So be careful with your replies or your texts. She may just want to know what her child is doing and where but wording it poorly.

I dont really. I am worried to death, I've had alsorts of threats thrown at me. But these guys on here have helped and supported me. But honestly rest assured you are not on your own in this and it happens to so many people. But I do believe everything gets sorted in the end. It has to for your childs future as well as your sanity.

Colin

whilst your child is in your care. you are the main carer

It's such a relief to read that. I'm certain now that I've not done anything that could be seen as unlawful and I've got a much better idea of what matters I should and shouldn't argue the toss over in future.

There seems to be a belief that I don't care about our son the same way that she does, and a lot like your crisps and fruit, just wants to make decisions, irrespective of if they're for the best. You're bang on the money about poor wording. My ex is inarticulate and unable to think on her feet which I think is why she has begun to resort to threats when she gets flustered, rather trying to discuss things. The main problem is that it seems lately she gets flustered a lot more often and over increasingly irrelevant issues and sooner or later it's going to come to a head.

I wouldn't worry at all my friend, you've given me loads of help in those two posts. I don't see how you will struggle, just follow your own advice and you'll be fine.

Perhaps something in her life is changing and hasnt told you then. but its easier to take it out on you then deal with it. Woman mate. Unpredictable to say the least. but you just got to think you both love your child. So you got to find a way for there sake 🙂